I'm a Sh*tty friend & Prob I'll Die Alone... But I'm OK With This (Pt.1/3)

in essay •  8 months ago  (edited)

Before I went to sleep last night, I saw one of those FB notifications from a contact that shows how long two people on the social media platform have been friends for. I knew them both, but one of them, I used to call a best friend. I haven't talked to him for YEARS.

What happened?

But first... let me be clear out some things before you get the wrong idea:

Do I care much? No. Do I miss him? Neither. Wanna start talking to him again? Not really. Am I a sh+tty person and gonna die alone? Most problably.

IMG_20190114_185605618 (2).jpg

And before you start putting me in your douchebag list let me explain. Hopefully I will clean my name.

Look, I KNOW I am a terrible, terrible friend to have... Not because I do bad things to you, drain your energy, insult you or by any means take advantage of you. No. I don't do that... In fact, if you do that, you're an *sshole. Thank you, next.

I am a horrible friend because I really suck at maintaining contact and interest. I will not call you to have a small talk, I won't chat with you through FB messenger, I will not text you (maybe just in your birthday and xmas). But if you call me or write to me, I would definetely take it where we left off. Could be years ago, but I'd answer as we just met yesterday. I'd be really happy to hear from you.

Call it a social disability that I have.


What happened to my friends?

I used to have a nice squad, you know, we attended school togeteher until highscool, we even started going to the same University! But now I am fairly likable 30 years old lady who has read a few books and watched a shit ton of weird movies enough to maintain an interesting conversation... who happens to have an only friend.

The dilemma relapses in this simple premise: If I don't even care to have more friends rigth now why do I started to ask myself what happened to all those people I used to love so much?

Shocking. Let's take a trip back in time.

On my first class of my first semester of University, a teacher told us something I'd never forget. He said: In the next five years you'll know your best friends for life, you could be sitting next to your bestman or bride of honor".

Bitch, where?

Now I am looking around and the only friend I could trust my life with... well... I do hope so... is this chubby mess I got stuck with since we were six years old. 24 years later, we're still togeteher hanging from time to time to do absolutely nothing... but together.

Good old friendship y'know. Call me provincial.

But seriously, I couldn't sleep thinking why all this people I cared about, are now gone from my life... for good? Here are the stories of how I lost the people I used to call friends (maybe I'd find some mystical answers after all this. Keep ypur fingers crossed):

Lux wrote me a letter in this diary I used to keep back in 2003 when I changed schools

1.- Let's start back around 1995 when this new girl got into our school. My friend and I took care of her immediataly even when she was very different from us both, tho. Why? because we were pure-heart children, that's why.

Let's call her "Lux".

By the time we were 12 or 13yo, my bestie and I were into music like Garbage (meaning the band, not actual garbage), The Cranberries, Tv shows like Daria, movies like The Crow, rock & semi grunge attire. All those "edgy" things that impresionable pre pubescent kids would love to do to angry their parents. But Lux was more like the blonde-piggy-tails-SpiceGirls-lover she would definitely become later on.

Still given the differences in style, we hung together a lot, we had chemestry, we loved Buffy: The Vampire Slayer big time, she spent a lot of time at my place and she even joined me to a family trip, he had lot's of fun... and all of the sudden, BOOM! puberty hit us way hard; and she spend more time with her Spice Girls dopplegangers squad (literally they started to impersonate them on daily basis). It was a slow and progressive goodbye...

Long story short, we grew very different from each other and when I left that school at 14... I really never spoke to her again.

I think from Lux I learned that you can find a friend anywhere, it doesn't really matter how different they are from you. She was a nice kid, grew up to be kinda wild tho.

Last thing I heard about her was at my last "normal human" job: my boss once mentioned her name and proceeded to tell the sad story. They used to work with her as a freelancer... It didn't go well. She even recomended a woman that was completelly out of her mind to work with us full time. All ended up with cops, let's leave it at that.

This is one of Tris doodles I keep in an old diary

2.- Rigth when BFF and I where about 13, one of the outsider girls in our class started to hang with us a lot more... I don't even remember the reason but, hey! Jump in!

She was TOTALLY different from us from the start, but the fact that we all made drawings anime style (I know, don't judge me) really got us togeteher. Let's call her "Tris".

Tris was the quintessence of a good girl: all pink outfit -head to toe-, mini skirts, glitery handbags, heels and supper glossy makeup. I mean, gloss was HER THING, ok?... And I only mention this because at the time I was at my Limp Bizkit phase: wearing sneakers, cargo pants, band shirts and a red cap all the time, you can figure how different we looked from eachother.

Triss was very sweet and nice girl so we used to hung a lot at my bestie's... to be honest, I don't even remember what we used to do when we were togeteher. I mean, what do we had in common that kept us as friends through those years? Beats me.

I mean... I knew her parents, I knew her brother (who happened to be this candy eye), she knew my family... we were pretty close.

Another of Tris' doodles on my diary

Ages of fun a happiness passed by and one day, we witnessed a terrible view: Out of nowhere she started making out with one of our guy pals... why is that terrible you migth ask?

Well, this dude was SO NOT for her (he was kinda a dick head, but that's another story for the chronicles), they were very, very... VERY unlike: he was one of those metalhead idiots (not that is too important but he was like 6', 300 pounds and had a crater face) and she was well... this Barbie doll.

Obviously that relationship ended up quickly and messy (I do not know the details; BUT I could give my rigth arm that it was about sexual preferences. He was a creep, ok? Nevertheless... cannot be sure. I don't really know if I want to be sure... ever).

The problem with Tris seemed to be that we didn't quit talking and hanging with her stupid ex, so... that was a farewell for us, I guess. I mean, he was our friend too, what should have we done?

Years later I ran into her at her brother's graduation (he attended classes with another of my case study friends: Number 10). Now made of plastic and wearing a large load of hair extenssions -not that is a bad thing if you like that sorta things, by all means- I remember she told me that I looked "SO DIFFERENT" at the time... which it was funny because she was the one that had gone under the blade quite a lot. I just had my hair straightened.

Never heard from her again.

From Tris I learned that we need to be very communivcative and open with other people through the hard road.

Elza and me maybe in 2005

3.- Wow, a lot happened in freshman year! Back to 2002: A "problem girl" got changed to our class. She didn't know anybody that much... and she was kinda (very) weird, so we took her in as well. We were already the weirdos so... it made sense. We'll cal her "Elza".

What was good about Elza it was that she was really funny and liked to party, she was loud, unapologetic, and always said what was on her mind with a big smile on her face. My mom loved her. She thaught me a bunch of cool things... things that only cool kids would know... not this nerd, of course. We talked about what her other friends were into like boys, booze, sex... but my mom didn't loved her for that, of course not.

I do admit I was a big d*ckhead about her friends, I didn't like them and I made fun of them a lot (somehow I don't think this was the reason for our "break up", tho). But just with time... we stopped talking. Just like that. We just took separate paths, I guess. Last I heard from her she was a mamma.

Elza thaught me that EVERY person is valuable, you just have to give it a chance they migth surprise you.

Beth, other girls and me at a school event

4.- When I was 15, I left my school. I wanted to study art, philosphy, latin and literature, so I ended up in an all girls school ran by nuns. Spooky, rigth?

It was hard to leave the people I knew since we where kids, but I just had to do it, and as a matter of fact it ended up being really good 2 years of my life. In there I got accepted real quick by a lot of cool girls... that I never have spoken to after we graduate... yeah, them too.

But I became a good friend specially of one of those girls for those two years. Let's call her "Beth".

Beth was kinda different from the others. You see, most of the girls there wanted to be all grown up women already (and looked so much like grown ass women). They partied hard a lot, had lots of boyfriends, where rich daddy's girls, and well, they were quite gorgeous and popular.

Me?... I was an akward huge potato... and Beth was too... only smaller.

All girl class of 2005

Sadly Beth had some family and self steem issues so we talked about a lot of depp sh*t quite often, still she was always smiling and was very energetic. Her best quality was her innocence and how much she was willing to live her girly childhood without shame, even if the other girls where in the fast track. We took our time, play it cool, had our own speed.

**As usual, a boy ruined our further friendship... but not in the way you think. **

One day, we went to the movies to see Constantine (yes, I'm that old!). I brougth my brother along and he dragged his best friend with him. Beth got all head over heels for my brother's bestie... The problem? He was a jerk.

IMG_20190114_184943957 (1).jpg
A letter Beth left in one of my diaries

Knowing what was going to happen before it even happened, I told her I really didin't wanted to know anything about their relationship since, well... he was a total idiot with girls. I don't think she liked my lack of support, but I really wasn't interested in all the upcoming drama. Some years later I found out that things went bad with those two... mostly it was sad and weird but still everything went straigth to hell.

Because of Beath I learned to be true to myslef, always be proud of me, of what I do and like because it makes me who I am.

We graduated and never, ever, ever got in touch again. A more mature me would have stayed at her side to give her some piece of advice. Sorry, Beth.

Four friends done... six to go... what do y'all say. Am I that bad?

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