THE SUPER BRIGHT LOUD HAPPY FUN DISTRACTION SHOW! - Episode 2

The latest and greatest game show to keep the wage slaves neutralized!

Scene:  A raucous crowd cheers.  Spotlights, strobe lights, and neon sparkles dazzle.  A smoke machine mystifies.  Stepping onto the stage, a clownish version of a ken doll, Captain Smiley, struts around to greet the adoring onlookers.  This is the live, international broadcast of……

The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show!

Captain Smiley:  Greetings, all you millions of laughing lunatics out there! Welcome to everyone’s favorite prize-pumping spectacle, The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! I’m your host, Captain Smiley!

Crowd chants “Smiley, Smiley, Smiley!”

Captain Smiley:  Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants, a husband and wife from Marathon, Florida, Mike and Martha Malaiseberry!

Mike and Martha hop and bounce onto the stage and cackle rampantly.

Captain Smiley:  Mike and Martha, go ahead and introduce yourselves to the GMO-fed populace out there!

Mike:  I’m Mike, I’m on welfare right now, and I like fast cars!
Martha:  And I’m Martha, I work a dead end job at a convenience store, and I like to buy fancy stuff I can’t afford!

Captain Smiley:  Hey, that’s great! (rolls eyes) So what brings you to the show?
Mike:  Well, cap’n, I got laid off from McDonald’s a few months ago, so we’re desperate for cash.

Captain Smiley:  And coming on a game show was the best thing you could think of to raise cash! That’s great, Mike!  Ok, let’s not keep the world waiting. Let’s play! In case you need a reminder, here are the rules! You’ll have to pass 3 tests, which could be in the form of trivia, a question, or in the form of a dangerous and dubious task.  If you pass all 3, you win a million violence-backed federal reserve notes! If you don’t, well, you get a lot less! Are you ready?!

Mike:  Bring it on, cap’n!

Crowd roars with delight…..

Captain Smiley:  The first test is trivia.  What team won the Super Bowl last year?

Mike jumps up and down and shrieks.

Mike:  I got this! I got this! The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl! I was really drunk, but I remember!

Captain Smiley:  Is that your final answer? Martha, do you trust your husband’s answer?

Martha:  Usually I don’t trust him, but I figure he knows more about foozball than I do.
Captain Smiley:  Football, you mean. 

Mike:  That’s just how she talks, cap’n.
Captain Smiley (grimacing):  How charming.  Anyway, yes, that is correct! The Patriots won the Super Bowl last year!    

A loud, reverberating bong noise echoes through the crowd.

Captain Smiley:  Oh my! You know what that obnoxious noise means, Mike and Martha? You get a bonus question! If you get the right answer, then you’ll be playing for 2 million violence-backed federal reserve notes, instead of a million!

Crowd goes wild, strobe lights flicker chaotically…..

Mike:  Ahh! Oh my god! I might have a heart attack! Wow!
Captain Smiley:  The question is, what team lost the Super Bowl last year?

Mike (huge frown):  Aw, cap’n, that question ain’t fair.  I was drunk.
Captain Smiley:  You’re allowed to guess, or perhaps Martha might know?

Mike (looking disdainfully at Martha):  Aw, Cap’n, she ain’t the brightest bulb on the tree, if ya know what I mean. 

Martha (swings fist at Mike):  Look who’s talkin!
Captain Smiley:  Time is running out.  I need an answer.

Mike:  Aw, hell, I dunno.  Atlanta.  How bout Atlanta, cap’n?
Captain Smiley:  Wow! A lucky strike from Mike! You’re correct! The Atlanta Falcons lost the Super Bowl last year!

Sirens blare, a jumbotron flashes a giant 2 million in red letters, and the crowd goes nuts.

Mike (jumping up and down, cackling):  I wasn’t as drunk as I thought! I wasn’t as drunk as I thought!   

Martha kisses Mike on the cheek.

Captain Smiley:   Ok next up is a task.  I’ll tell you what it is first, and then only one of you will have to do it.  Miss Robota, bring out the item necessary for this task, please. (motions to a humanoid female robot, his assistant, called Miss Robota)

Miss Robota brings out a cart with a full blender.  A large plastic bag is next to the blender.

Captain Smiley:  Ok, I need one of you to volunteer for this task.  Only after one of you commits will I tell you what the task is.

Mike:  You’d better do this one, Martha.
Martha (hands on hips):  Why? 

Mike:  Cuz I’m 2 fer 2, so you’d better step up!
Martha:  All right, cap’n, I guess this one is all me.

Captain Smiley:  That’s great Martha! Ok, you’ll have one minute to drink that 32 ounce garlic, blueberry, kale, peanut butter, cayenne pepper, and roach smoothie from the blender!   

Crowd releases torrent of gasps.

Mike:  What’s the bag for, cap’n?
Captain Smiley:  For the vomit, of course!

Crowd groans, oooos, and ahhhhhs.  Martha turns a very unnatural shade.

Captain Smiley:  Look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to chew!

Mike (slapping Martha on back):  Look there, baby, you even got your very own barf bag.  Just think of all the stuff at Wal-Mart we can buy when we get that money, honey!

Martha steps up to the cart.    

Captain Smiley:  You’ll have 60 seconds to drink the entire smoothie.  The time will start when you take the first gulp, Martha.    

Martha picks up the blender, slowly puts it to her lips with two shaky hands, and takes a reluctant first sip.

Captain Smiley:  Start the time, Miss Robota!   

Miss Robota presses a huge red button and a jumbotron reveals a 60 second countdown.  The crowd chants exuberantly “Mar-tha, Mar-tha, Mar-tha!”.  Martha is taking small sips and is on the verge of tears.

Captain Smiley:  I don’t recommend sipping!
Mike:  Remember, cap’n, she ain’t so bright!

Captain Smiley (chuckling):  That means a lot coming form you, Mike!

Martha is now taking significant gulps.  She comes up for air.  The timer on the jumbotron reveals 20 seconds left.

Mike:  Come on, baby! Get it done and I’ll take ya out for a real special dinner at Applebees, I promise!
Captain Smiley (sarcastic):  I’m sure she really wants to hear about food right now, Mike!

Martha’s queasy face plunges back into the blender and she starts powering down gulps again.  The jumbotron continues down to 5…..The crowd chants in unison….”Five, four, three, two!” Martha slams the empty blender down vigorously. 

Captain Smiley:  Wow! She did it! Can you believe that? What people won’t do for fraudulent paper!   

Martha pukes violently all over the stage.

Captain Smiley (upset):  Oh no, Martha, that’s what the bag was for! Robota, get her to the medic in back and make sure she signs that waiver!

Miss Robota ushers Martha gingerly off stage.

Captain Smiley:  Ok, Mike.  It’s up to you! Two million violence-backed federal reserve notes are on the line! And who knows, if that smoothie has its way, you might be single soon!

Mike (glowingly exuberant):  What a day!

Captain Smiley:  Ok, for the two million, Mike, here is the question.  You’re really lucky today, because it’s multiple choice! The question is…...

What is war? Is it:

A.  Organized murder, destruction, and plunder   

OR

B.  Beating bad people for freedom and safety

Mike (sweating profusely, exhaling with great relief, and cackling):  Whew! That’s easy, cap’n! War is beating bad people for freedom and safety! Letter B! Letter B! Oh my god! Two million big uns! All mine! All mine!

Captain Smiley (feigning sympathy):  Oh, I’m sorry Mike, that is incorrect.  War is organized murder, destruction, and plunder!

Crowd collectively awwwwwws with fake remorse.

Mike (dejected):  But cap’n, that ain’t what they tell me on the TV!

Captain Smiley:  That’s too bad, Mike.  We do have a great consolation gift for you and Martha, if she pulls through.  It’s a lifetime supply of Raid! (sarcastically) It kills insects, but don’t worry, it can’t hurt humans!   

More fireworks and strobe lights ensue…..the crowd cheers riotously…..

Captain Smiley (turns to face camera):  That’s it for tonight’s show! Stay tuned for more distractions! Until next time, world! 

Top image is from wikimedia commons

Thanks for your time and attention!

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