When Living for Yourself Becomes a Death Sentence
When Sarah turned 21, her parents became concerned about her marriage and began seriously looking for some good proposals for her. While she wasn’t yet ready for this new chapter, her parents did not really think her sentiments matter and made no efforts to take them into account either. She didn’t have any liking for any guy her age and wasn’t involved in a relationship with someone either. She just wanted some more time to explore herself and pursue her passion of painting. While she didn’t have any big goals like becoming the Da Vinci of her country, who knew she could have been amazing if she were given the chance to explore and nurture her skill.
After 10 months of struggling with finding a nice proposal, a good one came through and was eagerly accepted by Sarah’s parents. The guy was good looking, earned well, lived separately, had a nice family background and seemed decent enough to treat Sarah well- what more could she ask for, thought her parents. So they accepted the proposal and began her wedding preparations. After 5 months, she bad adieu to her life as a single woman and began a new journey with a complete stranger.
While Sarah did not Ahmed at all and had just talked to him twice over the phone before their wedding day, they started to get along well in a month. He was a nice guy and took care of her. The days went on smoothly and each day Sarah’s routine was to wake up before Ahmed, prepare his breakfast, wake him up, serve him breakfast and have tea with him and then do laundry, cook food, do the dishes and a few other chores before he returned home. While all of this was fine, Sarah yearned for something more from within.
One day she finally told Ahmed about her desire to pursue art seriously and get enrolled in a painting program. Since she had a few hours at home to spare when he was at office, she thought he wouldn’t be much bothered by this idea and would let her pursue her passion. Little did she know that her one tiny request would ignite the monster hibernating underneath Ahmed’s skin and would turn her smooth life into a chaotic one.
Ahmed was completely appalled by the idea of Sarah stepping outside his house and told her he preferred his wife not becoming distracted from the household duties and him by anything else. Seeing his intense reaction, Sarah immediately apologized to him and dropped that idea. She didn’t bring that up again, but somehow it triggered Ahmed’s irrational concerns and doubts.
From then onwards, if Sarah was ever late in serving him dinner or forgot to put enough salt in the meal or didn’t come running to him when he called her once, Ahmed suspected she was painting. Soon his invalid suspicions turned into doubts and he thought Sarah was sneaking out of the house to go to painting classes and even insinuated she was cheating on him. All of this was becoming too exhausting and unbearable for Sarah so she decided to get to the root of the problem.
After some digging up, she found out that Ahmed’s mother was a painter and had abandoned his father and Ahmed when he was 5 and had eloped with her boyfriend from college. Seeing Sarah’s inclination towards the same art, triggered Ahmed’s hate for his mother and made him fear that Sarah might betray him like his mother did.
The past about Ahmed’s mother did not come up when his proposal came for Sarah. His father and aunt brought his proposal and told them his mother had passed away when he was young. After finding out the real truth behind Ahmed’s suspicions and irrational behavior, Sarah tried to connect with him on a deeper level so she could help him out. He was a nice guy and her husband so it was natural for her to feel sorry for him and care for him.
However, Ahmed did not take this gesture happily too and when he found out Sarah knew the truth about his mother, he accused her of trying to bring shame to him. For 5 years after this incident, Sarah tried living a happy life with him and encouraged Ahmed many times to go see a good therapist, but every time her efforts ended in vain.
After crying, praying and hoping for a miracle that would make Ahmed sane and mend their strained relationship, Sarah finally decided to let go of all the pain and hurt and part ways with him. She knew how Ahmed would react and was sure that he would accuse her of cheating on him with someone. She had become well-aware of him by now.
Sarah’s parents were unaware of all the chaos in her life till then since she never opened up to them. However, enough was enough and Sarah knew she couldn’t take it anymore so she finally opened up to them and told them of her decision. While she knew how Ahmed would react, she never thought her parents especially father would behave in the same way. Instead of understanding her pain, they encouraged her to make truce with Ahmed somehow and focus more on having a kid because with a kid in the equation, things would automatically become better.
Sarah was completely baffled and disturbed by their response and it was then she realized her parents cared too much about what the society would think and not about her daughter’s well-being. Sarah had taken enough of the crap Ahmed had thrown towards her in the past 5 years and now she knew how she would be treated in her parent’s house after getting divorce from Ahmed so she decided to do what she wanted on her own.
She left Ahmed’s house one day while he was at office and stayed at a supportive friend’s house. That friend helped her get connected with a good lawyer and also assisted her in finding a good job.
It took Sarah several months to slowly settler herself, get divorce from Ahmed and find a good women’s hostel. She did try to meet her parents a few times, but each time she showed up at their place, they ridiculed her and closed the doors on her. Her life after divorcing Ahmed wasn’t that bad, but her parents made it seem like a death sentence to her. Her relatives stopped seeing her. If any of her family members saw her on the road, they would turn their back on her and many of them labelled her as an adulteress too.
It has been 3 years since her divorce and Sarah is now living a happy, fulfilling her life. From the savings from her job, she paid to take a painting class and is now working as an intern with a reputable painter. She is finally happy with her life and although she went through a lot, she does not have any regrets. She tried her best to give her 100% to her marriage and to her husband, but maybe things were meant to turn this way for her. She does not plan to remarry, but she does plan to use her art to encourage women to fight for their rights since there are hundreds of women in her country that have gone through a lot more than she did and have been abused in ways she cannot even begin to imagine. She aims her heart to encourage parents to think more about the well-being of their kids too instead of worrying about what people will say.
The story that you read above is a fabrication of my imagination, but is inspired by the many heart wrenching stories and experiences of both, women and men who live in abusive and unhappy relationships mainly because of the norms set by the society.
Parents forcing daughters to get married as soon as a good proposal comes in and forcing them to stay in an unhealthy marriage even when she is clear she doesn’t want that is quite norm here in Pakistan. Even with education levels improving in the country and people understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, there are many people who prioritize the taboos set by the society instead of the happiness of their loved ones.
If a woman is unhappy in her marital life, the first advice that she receives by her family is to have a kid with her husband soon enough as if this is within her control and as if she can have a child in less than 9 months. There are many couples living poisonous lives together who could have parted ways in the start, but were forced to have kids to stabilize their relationship. Paying heed to that advice, they had kids and things became messier for them. Not only did they kept spewing venom on to each other but brought in kids too and traumatized them.
This is quite prevalent here and not only this, but women who do look out for themselves are often labeled with heinous names that I don’t feel like writing here.
When my mother decided to part ways with my father because their relationship had become abusive, she met a lot of backlash from her father too. My father was cheating on my mother, even hit her a few times, doubted her for things she never did and stopped taking care of our household expenses when she eventually decided to end things with him. She had survived all of this for 17 long years but when her eldest daughter (me) turned into an adult and the other 3 kids were mature enough to realize what was going on in her life, she finally decided to take a bold step forward for herself.
Luckily in her case, her father soon supported her and she was able to end a poisonous relationship that was eating away on her happiness. However, things don’t end this way for many women here. My aunt (mother’s sister) was married to a man who was already married to another woman and had a daughter with her. My aunt’s marriage to my uncle was a love marriage and she wasn’t aware of his first marriage. This truth dawned upon her on the 3rd day of her marriage and since then life was never easy for her.
She had the option to part ways with her, but thinking that she’ll become a social stigma for her parents, she decided to continue with it. Soon, she discovered my uncle had a bad habit of physically abusing his wives and became the victim of his many beatings. She survived everything and went on to have 2 kids with him, but even after everything she did for him, he did beat her and abused her when he wanted to. She didn’t have enough courage like my mother to fight for her rights or maybe she was too much in love with her husband or maybe she knew she won’t be able to earn on her own like my mother did and didn’t want to financially burden her parents. Whatever the reason was, she lived in a poisonous relationship till my uncle took his last breath.
My uncle is no more- he lost the battle to cancer so I feel a little bad exposing his other side, but I feel I need to write about this just to share with you the many painful experiences women here go through only because they fear they will become a burden on their parents if they decided to stand up for their rights.
I so wish more women could muster the courage to stand up for themselves and really pay attention to what they truly need from within. They need not give in to the pressures of the society and to the faulty cultural norms. They need to look out for themselves and the same goes for men in unhealthy relationships too. I know of a man who was married to an abusive woman and he didn’t end her marriage with him because of his kids. So men here too go through a lot, but the percentage is less as compared to that of the women victimized here.
When I say people need to stand up for their rights and draw a line between a healthy and unhealthy behavior in a relationship, I don’t mean you should end your marriage over a petty fight with your spouse. No, that’s not how relationships work. But you should also be able to point out when your relationship becomes controlling and abusive, and if you do fear you are in one, please don’t pressure yourself to keep up with it. Even my religion Islam gives women the right to file for divorce if they are not happy in their marital life.
This post came directly from my heart so writing it has made me a little intense and upset but that’s okay. These are valid emotions too and experiencing them is fine as long as I don’t allow them to take over my mind. The purpose of this post is to highlight how hard it is for people particularly women to fight for their rights and to follow their heart, and even encourage people to look out for themselves and be their allies first. Hope this helped you out in some way. Do share your thoughts in comments below.
Love and light,
Sharoon.
I am a proud member of #thealliance
And I am also a passenger on the wonderful @ecotrain. Do check it out for some truly amazing content.
Oh, my dear. I think your writing is becoming better and better as you reveling to us something which is so important to you personally and the world you live in.
I support your idea of women standing up for their rights. I meet and talk to so may of them and it seems abuse is an international thing and not only in countries like Pakistan.
I think it is so important to have supportive circle around you especially women who can understand all the pain and feelings. I hope that there will be more people like you ready to support and share there wisdom and love to women who was hurt. Nothing more is so beutiful when to see when women is taking her new path to living a happy life and start "shining".This is my favorite thing to see%)
I love you so much for that you do and hope we soon speak%))
Image Source
How sweet is coming to this lovely comment! Thanks for all the kind words Sasha. Yes, you are right it is everywhere and because I live here and am aware of the things going on here, I feel it is on peak here. And yes, we need to have a supportive circle around us that helps us grow and shields us from all the rubbish thrown at us. Hoping to talk to you soon enough. Love you more!
That is a beautiful write up...quite emotional...Superb...Though, Women forms the other half of society, she does get the ill treatment from the overpowering half of society. It can only be overcome by creating strong foundations of society right from the childhood, Be it male or female.
Sab se pehle thank you for reading this long post. Bari mehnat ka kaam hai lambi cheezein parhna and yes himayun u r right, women often don't receive the right treatment. Luckily, there are great men like you who understand that :)
Hahaha...aur woh b raat ke 2 baje...lol
Hahaha jee bilkul isi baat pe yeh fridge apka hua like they do in game shows :P
I wonder if they really giveaway such and such things...too many bikes and all...Eidi sab kailiye... :D
I think they do. This is the sponsoring companies' way of lowering their taxes so i guess they do waise you never know pardey k peechay kya hai ;)
Jajajajaja....Why don't you attend such show. Rewards are for sure.
Shauk nae hai
This is a very sad but realistic story. And I totally understand that especially for close minded Asian society.
I have seen many of my own schoolmates who had the problem; they were instilled with the idea of the "circle of life" for a woman was just find a husband, have kids, obey her husband and be done with it.
One of the saddest part is for a man to behave adultery is totally fine while a women is not, is the poison of the wrong minded men are more superior than women society that has been engraved into the minds of enclosed families for centuries; while the truth is both men and women are equal in the eyes of God but yet very different (and not higher nor lower from each other) because of their unique abilities God has given them.
When either side appreciate the other's capability and none abuse their own choice of freedom, then a harmonious family can be achieved.
The key is to trust each other.
upvoted
ps: thank you for sharing your parent's life as well.
Thank you for the kind words and yes, it is sad to see different rules for men and different ones for women. Sadly, this is found everywhere but is prevalent in the South Asian and Indian societies the most.
I know how painful that was to write, I was teary reading it. Thank you though for sharing it. I hope it at least one woman identifies with it and seeks the help and support she needs to live her dreams and not put up with emotional abuse, or any kind of abuse for that matter.
Yes, very very painful. Opening up about wounds that are semi-sore and semi-healed is never easy, but it was something I felt I needed to share. Thanks for being around and being so supportive <3
Awesome post as ever. I think divorce is frowned upon and it makes it very difficult especially women to get out of bad relationships. That being said, I hope society changes over time
Thank you! :D Yes divorce is frowned upon and even more than that, the courage to live your life according to what you want or even desire to think for yourself is frowned upon which is sad but yeah, I too hope for better times and I'm sure they'll come. For that, the change needs to start with ourselves first.
Very impressive story. It sad to see how unfair life is for so many women, denied basic human rights people in other parts of the world take for granted.
Exactly. The treatment is terrible with women, but there are some lucky ones who get the support of loved ones and who find love in the right places. Thanks for stopping by :)
Nycc post
Please my post vote https://steemit.com/love/@elmligy/20171114t181718439z-post
While I did upvote your post cos the photo was nice and cheery, I strongly advise you not to ask for votes like this. You have all the potential to do well here like everyone else. Just create good quality stuff and it would be best if you choose a niche that you feel connected to and focus on it. Talk to people on discord; read their posts and leave meaningful comments on their posts to encourage them to visit your blog but please don't ask for votes like this since it turns you into a spammer and spammers are often flagged here. Best of luck! :)