Talk to Strangers: educate children

Today, my family went to a garden party of my wife's boss with his family and 150 of their closest friends. Quite a few of my wife's ex-colleagues were there and I have met a few of them at the odd event before. My daughter has never been around so many people but was quite happy to sit in the lap and observe.

I spend quite a lot of time watching her to try and see what her interests may be. What I have found is, she is very observant and also very interested in testing how things work, including her parents. Watching her watch this group was interesting but it reminded me of a few stories from long ago.

The first one is when a girlfriend introduced me to a group of people she classed as extended family and to their leader. It was a type of commune situation with a religious subtext. I met him, shook his hand, spoke a few words and that was it. A few months later, my brother met the same guy, shook his hand and a few words. Later, I asked my brother what he thought of him but continued to say what I thought. In unison we said, Pedophile. We found out later, after I had broken up with the girl, that indeed he had been charged years earlier and had paid to have it go away.

So, what did my brother and I both see in the guy? Nothing. But, we both got the same feeling from him and that was one of danger and to be cautious. We were both adult men so there was no fear, just curiosity.

A few years ago, I was having Salsa lessons at a school here in Finland. The teachers were great dancers from around the Latin world and decent teachers. Suffice it to say, they had no trouble finding dance partners. I didn't know them all but there was one teacher that when watching him at social events, was off. He was good looking, in good shape, danced very well and was friendly and flirty.

I mentioned it to some of my female friends including my now wife and they said 'He is nice, harmless' and some implied I was jealous of him in some way. A few months later it came out that he was heading up a ring of a few of the other teachers and they were having sex with, filming and then blackmailing women into doing some quite horrendous acts. Not just women, the youngest were 15 year old's. Many of them. Some of these women are friends. With video evidence, they were convicted, but not for long enough.

No one wants to think about something happening to their child or wife or friend as it is a horrible situation but, not thinking about it doesn't stop things from happening. In my view, there should be preparation at the very least. Preparation of potential victims and the best preparation is that which will help avoid getting into such predicaments in the first place.

Now, my brother and I were not molested as children, what we were when young was experienced around adults. My father used to give keynote speeches at large conferences around Australia and we as young children would have to sit and listen. Not to the speech, to the entire conference. We would see the other children through the windows out playing but, there we were, silently listening and watching.

We met many many people and even without knowing it, experience starts to observe, categorize and recognize traits that are incongruent with each other. But, this can go on without being overly conscious at the time which means when something doesn't fit, it feels wrong. Perhaps it is a gaze held too long or in the wrong direction, maybe it is a handshake or tone of the voice, maybe the body movement or something about the way they dress, it could be anything. But, the feeling arises, the muscles tense slightly and the intuition says, 'be careful'.

It may be nothing of course but being careful should never be frowned upon when it comes to physical safety, especially of those one cares about. But, one must recognize the feeling and then have the power to override the social programming to be politically correct and polite or prove one is not afraid.

A few weeks ago I started writing about violence, anger, murder etc as I find it very interesting and ultimately useful as I want to help my daughter not become a statistic. There are many posts I have ongoing around this topic and as fortune would have it, yesterday, I came across a Sam Harris interview with Gavin de Becker who wrote 'The gift of Fear'. I don't read much but, this will likely be my next read.

I have only listened to a part of the interview still but something he said reminded me of this post and my own thoughts. 'Teach your kids to talk to strangers, but look for strangeness'. His reasoning is that seeing the strangeness will raise the alarm to move with caution or avoid altogether. I recommend for those with kids, and especially women who are so often the victims of violence, to have a listen to this Sam Harris podcast.

Now of course, one isn't going to send their child out alone to learn the necessary tools but one can be present while the child asks the time from a random person at the bus stop and then ask, 'what did you think of them?' I am under the assumption that the book itself will give some concrete practical examples to help develop a sense for recognizing and how to then act around strangeness.

I have been a people watcher as far back as I can remember and even when a young teen would happily sit in a café alone or with friends and watch customers and shoppers go about their day. I think that this partly stems from having to sit quietly in those conferences as at those times, I would look around at all of the other attendees and watch them too.

Today, when we were driving the 200 kilometers back from Helsinki, I asked my wife about one of her colleagues. I had met him only very briefly before in an office hallway but today I spoke to him for a minute or two and watched him as he spoke with his friends. He is well spoken, intelligent and has a bright career.

My wife said he is nice, a little strange. 'How so?' I asked. She thought for a moment and said at times she feels a little uncomfortable around him but couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was but, he is always friendly and nice.

The other thing that was mentioned in the podcast is 'Nice, doesn't mean good'. The same words I have said to many of my friends over the years. The reason I watched this guy was he happened to be sitting across from me at a table and, when we arrived my wife hugged him as she did all of her colleagues. And, as she turned to speak to another, his gaze on her was a split second too long and there was a flash of cruelty in his eyes and he bit the inside of his lip.

He is likely a predator that preys on women. Not necessarily in an illegal sense, most probably in the conquest sense, but there is no happiness in the act, there is something darker. Of course, it is very possible that I am wrong but, do you think you would leave your teenage daughter with him on the odds that I am or would you proceed with caution?

Would you want your children to be able to recognize these kinds of things? I do. This may not be very politically correct to judge people this way but at the same time, it may be individually correct to be able to identify the signs of trouble at least enough to prick the ears up and pay attention to the environment. It isn't pleasant to think about but, it isn't pleasant to deal with if something happens and even worse if it was preventable but the reason it wasn't stopped was because of avoiding mental discomfort.

For me, this is not about being afraid, this is about practical empowerment and the tools to act when the hairs on the back of the neck start to stand on end. Unfortunately in a lifetime, daddy isn't always there to protect a child in person so a parent must prepare a child for when they are alone. A sheltered environment is not always possible.

Taraz
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