Is it Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Never to Have Loved at All?

This is the ecotrain question of the week.

I'm not sure if everyone is feeling it, but there are quite a few of us going through major transition right now. The world seems to be sort of a shit show at the moment in fact. I've seen a number of serious tragedies over the last month. A lot of death, a lot of separation, a lot of pain. What I'm saying is that there has been a lot of loss in my world lately. A lot. So much so that the separation between me and my husband is not the biggest thing going on.

So I want to take this question out a little bit and widen the scope from the traditional focus on romantic relationships. I guess this is also partly because I am so done with those. One time I asked my Nana if she ever considered remarrying after my grandfather died, and she said, “ooooh heaven’s no!” I never understood that until now. I'd rather chop off my own fingers than be in a relationship. Ok, that's a small exaggeration, but I have no interest in all that hassle. I'm over here loving on me, myself, and I at the moment.

Even now. Even after all that. My answer is still yes. It was worth it. All the years of grief and frustration were totally worth it.

Now it's easy to think that's because we have kids, but that isn't the whole story. For sure we stayed together longer because we have kids, but even without the kids - still worth it.

I think there are a couple of things that make this so.

• First, our relationships grow us. Tremendously. I had a friend once who said the whole reason she couldn't get into Jesus was because he never married or had children. She felt someone in that position could not possibly know anything about, or help her with, her life. I have grown leaps and bounds over the last few years. It wasn't pretty. It was often painful, but it was growth. We moved through hard times of all kinds, and we made it to the other side, including the other side of separation. One of the greatest things we learn is how to move through challenges, how to love more deeply, less conditionally, and we get better every time.
• Second, the feeling of being in love is about as close as we get to really feeling God. That joy/bliss/ecstasy/elation is, I think, close to what God feels all the time. It gives us a touchstone. Knowing what that feels like allows us to expand that feeling to others.
• Third, it's what we are here to do. Obviously this is my personal opinion. I don't think we are here to learn anything. I don't think we are being tested. I think God wanted field agents/playmates to experience emotions, physicality, the juiciness of life, etc. I think we are here to love and play. I think God delights in seeing us blissed out. And grief and pain are part of the process. There is no joy without pain.

One word about divorce, separation, and breakups: they are not failures! Staying in misery is failing. People grow apart. It happens. There is no reason to be miserable or think you need to feel shame or guilt about moving to another chapter in your life.

Like I said at the beginning, I'd like to expand this out to other relationships. I have a good friend who lost her life partner from a motorcycle accident. She also lost two of her three children. One to SIDS and another to cancer at the age of 13. I don't know anyone who has lost more than her. I'm not sure how she keeps going, but she's amazing. I'm pretty sure she would never trade even one minute of her time with any of those three. As I get ready for number two child to move out, obviously that's nowhere close to the grief of losing a child, but it will be incredibly painful for me. I will grieve, probably a lot, but there's nothing even possibly possible that would make me want to go back and never have kids. It's been the most beautiful blessing in my life. That's what makes the pain so intense. I'll take that pain every day of the week because it means I get to be a mom.

This also all goes for friendships. I've had a number of friendship breakups over the years. Wouldn't trade a one of them. I always learned something about myself, and those breakups always followed lots of fun times.

There is no yin without yang, no happy without sad, no connection without loneliness. That's how it works.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Do check out @ecotrain! It's a wonderful community full of love, passion, and excellent writers.

Much love, y’all!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

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