RE: Talking Mental Health | Vlog #22
This is such a hard topic to talk about in person. Glad you feel comfortable to get it out on Steemit. Very honest video, difficult for me to write any kind of meaningful reply but I feel compelled to. Death is a hard one and really do I feel for you. My Nana is 90 and very close to departing. I'm bracing myself and know it's going to be very hard. It's an inevitable part of life, yet as a western society we don't talk about it at all and perplexes me that it is still some kind of taboo, both with death and depression. We should be embracing life and living it as best we can. I hope you have found your own way of dealing with your Grandmas passing.
Within the society we've created I've found many people don't even listen when you're saying, "I need help. I'm not ok". They're just waiting for their chance to 1-up you with a "better" depression story. So strange and disconnecting. First time I've ever really understood how someone could leave this life is when I discussed my own dark place with 2 people I love and got no feeling at all of help. Not sure what I was expecting but maybe even a hug would have been nice. I walked away thinking, I have to deal with this myself whatever it takes or I may as well kiss the Earth, smile at the Sun, thank the Universe for the sparks of amazing beauty I had experienced in my life and just leave. I also didn't even realise I'd begun down that path until it was brought to my attention that I was "losing my happy". Honestly, you're lucky you have a friend to talk to cos I had literally no one and still feel that way, but it's ok. I deal with it because I find strength through the love of my children and also in helping troubled youths and knowing they've dealt with a massive amount more hardships than I have, so in a round about way it helps me by helping them.
The rejection of everything is a hard one too and I understand on some level what you would have dealt with (or maybe still dealing with). I stopped art, stopped exercise, stopped Steemit, disconnect with friends, just wanted to go live in the rainforest with nothing to worry about. I self-medicated with copious amounts of weed which while I felt was helping I know now it was just clouding my mind. Even when I was high I would say to myself, "This mental state is just an illusion, you must deal with life's hardships with a sober mind". Enjoy the plant in a happy state, don't use it as a medication (for me). Haven't touched it in over 6 months now.
If you're interested, you should check out Living Everyday Zen, by the late Charlotte Joko Beck. I've just finished listening to it on Audible and it is very helpful to understand how to see things, accept them but then let them go without reacting. Let life just 'be' and don't hold onto the story and illusions your mind creates. You understand this already I see, just as I already did, but it really helps hearing it from a lifelong Zen teacher and tells me anyway that I'm not alone and there is a path of contentment which can help you deal with this challenging experience we call life.
Jeez... so sorry for the wall of text. If you ever need to talk about anything you know where I'm at. Namaste :)
I appreciate you a lot more than you could know. @spaceginger.
It has really been lovely to get to know you over this short period and just knowing the depths of conversations we can get into reminds me why this community is so special and it truly means a lot, so thank you.
I had this thought a lot during the last months of last year. Not only was I dealing with the death of my grandma but there was a lot of death around me with good friends having to deal with it in their own ways. It was intense because death is a huge part of life and occurs every day yet we never talk about it and we never talk about how to deal with it. I would like to say that I have a more mindful approach about death and understanding that things exist very strongly outside of our interruption of reality and I feel my grandma with me all the time and it is comforting. But I do have slight regrets about our time together and there are things I wish I had done differently. It made me realise how fragile life is and how things can change so quickly so we should always make the most of every moment. But I guess that's what can be so terrifying, when you are confronted with death you realise that you are not really living, that there is always more that can be said and felt and done and it really tests you to move out of your comfortability. I don't want to live with regret but sometimes I am more terrified of dealing with my ego in being real and raw with the people around me.
And I have definitely experienced that feeling of sharing with others and feeling a disconnect to their response. The fact that we don't talk about death makes it difficult for people to empathise with the experience. That's why I think it's important to talk about it and things like mental health because it gives an opportunity for people to better understand. And sometimes something as powerful as a hug or just the presence of someone with you can do amazing things - it's just that simple reminder that we are not alone.
I am grateful because I do have amazing people in my life. I have connected deeply with people from all over the world through travel and now my journey on Steemit but I have been pretty alone in my immediate environment and sometimes it can be hard to reach out to those who are so far away even though we know that they would do anything to support us. It is an important lesson to learn though about moving through life on our own, as much as we are connected, we are alone in our internal experiences and perceptions and there is beauty in working with ourselves to create and live the life we want.
It's a pretty amazing thing that you can use your relationship with your family and the things you experience through your work as a reflection of what you want to create for yourself. I've always felt that giving loving to others helps us give love back to ourselves. And in relation to your experience with smoking, I also understand. I have been there before and it only added to my stress and anxieties. I choose to use weed as a tool, something that adds value instead of clouding my experiences.
Also I would definitely be keen to check out this audio, it sounds like something I would be very interested in. You have mentioned briefly before that you feel at times a bit alone but just know that here you have friends. Like I said, so far I have really appreciated our conversations so I am always up for a chat if needed. 💗
Thanks @neeqi, I feel blessed to have people like you in my life even if it is virtually. I sometimes feel like some people come into my life as a manifestation of my own reality. I wish I had people close in real life to converse with, stare at the stars and ponder life. I've been quite distant from people during my lifetime as I never feel I can just let it out and be a human being without judgement. I guess I've just always been a square peg amongst round pegs or something.
I think about death almost every day. Not in a negative way but in a way that reminds me to really see the colours, hear the music, taste the sweetness, feel the coolness and warmth, dance like no one is watching... just try and appreciate every single thing that this life offers. Like really appreciate every single thing, from smelling a rose to ripping off a bandaid, really experience it all. We go through life oblivious to the amazingness surrounding us every day and it takes work to truly see it. I believe everyone has an innate fear of death which clouds reality and probably would never be true to themselves, real and raw because of fear. I remember a quote from Bill Hicks, something like, you have a choice between fear and love. I chose fear for many many years. No more. Love it is, all the way from this day forward, no matter what. I know I'm going to die one day and there's no way I'm finishing this life without loving as many people as possible and loving myself too.
Funny, I've thought for a while that weed is a tool to be used with respect and for a reason, just like a psychedelic experience. For me anyway I feel they're meant to be used for learning and growing. I would love to have another experience one day soon but in the rainforest and with someone cool that I can be totally at peace with. I've always done it alone and I feel like it would be amazing to share with another like minded human being. I remember speaking to my next door neighbour once when I'd eaten some psilocybin and it was by far the most beautiful interaction I've ever had with a human being in my entire life. She probably just thought I was weird as fuck 😆 I enjoyed it though and for the first time I understood, 'We are One'. I talk about my experiences with those close to me but they have no interest and I just feel sad like they're missing out on such an amazing human experience.
You're a very special person @spaceginger and at times I can understand how lonely it can feel to walk the path of awareness and self discovery when it seems like those around you are disconnected. But all I can say is don't lose hope, because you are not alone and if you can continue to see the world with the realness of your eyes, with the beauty of every moment and with the choosing of love over fear, those who resonate will see that. Also don't forget how our impression can have an effort on those around us. You never know, your children may be the very immediate people that you seek to experience this with. I can understand that they are still young but children are not yet tainted by the structures of the world and they have an amazing ability to show us how to perceive the world around us, that we seem to forget as we grow into adults.
I hope you have an opportunity in the future to smoke with someone in nature and talk about the joys of this universe. Manifestation is a powerful thing and you can set the intention and know that all things are occurring just as they are suppose to, in the very moment they are suppose to, with your highest good in mind. And with that you may never know what will present itself. 💛