Tootheses-thesis (Desk with teeth) : Request from @suesa

Tootheses-thesis.
An item of furniture worthy of the name, if a desk could speak, would yours talk words of knowledge and insight or would it curse and shout insults? Do you need a desk for long hours of writing, or is it your ultimate gaming hub? No matter what the activity the Tootheses-thesis is your go-to desk. Your ultimate companion, the party member you've always desired.

The first installment of many. What type of wacky ideas can you come up with? Let me know in the comment box below what you'd like to see and I'll try my best to come up with the goods!