The Death of a Hitchhiker – Part Four

gonzo (68)in #marijuana • 8 years ago (edited)

I awoke to a terrible banging on the door and someone screaming “Electric Jesus.”

Ryan greeted me with “Happy fourth of July,” but I just starred trying to figure out where I was. I got out of bed and helped load everything into the van. We went back to the room to do a final inspection and then they pulled the lid off the back of toilet tank and flushed the toilet.

They quickly began urinating into the toilet tank while laughing like little kids. Ryan was laughing so hard he could barely talk when he tried to explain “The next person to flush it will only make it worse” and then doubled over with laughter. They even let Kenny get involved after he said “I need to take a shit.”

When we got in the van Andy began smoking pot

and passed it to me while saying “Happy fourth of July.” I took the joint and began smoking it, in a show of solidarity and the idea of hallucinating on the fourth of July sounded fun. Jeff stopped me from passing it to Kenny by saying “He gets it last because he is going to lip the fuck out of it.” As we got on the road I began to notice how sharp Kenny's teeth were.

The voice in my head became louder and sounded like it was coming from an external source as it said “Don't let him fool you! He's been playing dumb this whole time, lying in wait.” Kenny's fangs began to grow and the voice said “Look, he's a Cannibal!” I immediately yelled “Is Kenny a Cannibal?” and they began to laugh.

The voice was not convinced

“Are they laughing because this is a silly idea or because you have uncovered their secret? You need to test the waters, put your pinky finger in his mouth.” The thought was too frightening so I said “No,” but the voice continued “Don't be a pussy, the pinky finger is expendable.”

Then I had a vision of Kenny eating my hands and I looked up at Kenny to see him smiling in acknowledgement as if to say “You finally know what I am.” The voice screamed “Test Kenny you Pussy!” I realized that the voice was right, I would rather loose a pinky finger than the whole hand.

I began touching my finger to Kenny's lips,

but Kenny had mastered the art of concealing his true intentions for so long that he wasn't about to blow his cover for just a simple pinky, he wanted the whole meal. Kenny protested by squirming back which would have convinced most, but not me.

I could see through his ruse, so I said “Hold still” as I began rubbing my finger along his gums. The voice was screaming “That's the wrong finger, you fucking idiot!” I quickly pulled my index finger from his mouth and Jeff said “Stop, you don't need to test him.” The voice became alarmed and said “How does he know about the test, is he psychic?” Jeff laughed and said ”No, I'm not psychic, you weirdo.”

I let go of Kenny and began using telepathy on Jeff,

“Look at me! Look at me! I fucked your mom last night! If you turn around and look at me, I will...” but the test came to an abrupt end when I saw that we were parking and there were cops on either side of the van staring directly at me. I could tell that they had been waiting a long time for me and the panic set in as I said “Was this your plan all along, to hand me over to the fucking cops?”

Jeff tried to trick me into going quietly by saying “Calm down, we're just getting some breakfast. What do you want to eat?” So I pleaded with Jeff “That thing with your mom never really happened, I was only trying to get your attention. Please don't hand me over to them.” But Jeff continued to play dumb “What?... What do you want to eat?” I realized that his mind was already made up and maybe he was feeling guilty and was actually offering me a last meal, so I sadly said “Chicken biscuit and hash browns.”

I watched as more cops and an ambulance pulled in

and I said “Guys, I'm not sick.” Then I heard the voice say “You will need the ambulance after the cops are done with you.” So I asked “What are they going to do to me?” And Jeff said “It's just your food, take it!” I grabbed the bag and slowly ate a hash brown savoring every bite and prolonging the inevitable. But then out of nowhere they had a change of heart and we drove out of the belly of the beasts, leaving the cops behind.

We ate our breakfast and continued deeper into the country until we stopped at a makeshift antique store,

that was on the side of the road. Andy said “Be cool in here,” but I wasn't cool at all. I was nervous to go in because it reminded me of one of those Mexican shanties that washes down the mountain every time it rains. As we walked in we were greeted by a scary old woman that offered to help us find stuff.

I screamed “No thanks,” while rushing past her and I heard the voice warn me “Look out! The roofs collapsing!” I saw a black flash to my left and I jumped into a fat man wearing camouflage overalls who made a demonic frog sound, that knocked me off my feet. The voice said “There is nothing there, it's all in your head.”I got up apologizing to the man “Excuse me, but that camouflage is something else, I could barely see you,” thinking I was clever.

I quickly walked the isle to get away, ignoring all the crazy stuff in my peripheral vision

until I saw an old Monopoly game from the 1950's selling for ten dollars. The voice reminded me that money has no place on this trip and how can I hitchhike with an antique Monopoly game that will not even fit in my bag. So I loudly asked “Does anyone want a Monopoly board from the 50's for ten dollars” and Kenny said “Lemme have it,” taking the board.

The voice said “Look at what you have done, that poor Monopoly board,” so I yelled “Shut up!” Everyone in the store stopped and began to stare at me. The voice yelled “Fucking, do something! They think your crazy.” I panicked, turned to Kenny and said, “Stop saying Electric Jesus.” Then Kenny yelled “Electric Jesus” like a true friend.

Andy pulled me outside to smoke a cigarette

and say “I don't mean to sound like an Asshole, but you gotta calm down and stop saying weird shit. We are about to go next door to buy fireworks and we can't have a maniac running around yelling that the building is collapsing.” I realized that despite all my efforts to act normal, I was failing miserably so I said “I am trying to hold it together, but the pot has me hearing voices and seeing crazy shit, can you stick with me and help me out?”

Andy said “Just calm down, I never heard of anyone hallucinating off pot before.” Then the voice said “You see, I told you that it was all in your head. You're not really hallucinating, you pussy!” As we walked next door I mentioned the hallucinations to Jeff and asked for some Oxycodone to help calm my thoughts and he was happy to share.

The fireworks store looked more like a grocery store

and it even had grocery carts, which they were taking full advantage of as they loaded them with thousands of dollars worth of fireworks. They were getting endless amounts of bottle rockets, giant packs of mortars, rockets on a stick and packs of roman candles that were filled with ten mortars per candle. Whichever brand the owner said was the best, Jeff had to have a lot of it and the owner was thrilled.

The voice began raising some interesting concerns “Who would shop at Crazy Bob's Fireworks? Who would trust a guy named Crazy Bob? Holy shit! Crazy Bob is missing some fingers!” I looked down and realized that the voice was right, but Andy said “Shut up! You're doing it again.” Jeff asked me “What are you getting?” and I said “Grape Pop Rocks” while holding up the pack of candy.

“Do you even know whats happening?”

Jeff asked with a worried look on his face. “Oh yeah, this is just in case we go over any mountains, it will help me pop my ears.” I replied. Jeff looked at the candy and said “Good thinking, but don't just get one pack, get a box so we can all have some.” I put a box of Grape Pop Rocks in one of the carts and went out side to smoke a cigarette and to avoid seeing visions of Crazy Bobs lost fingers.

After the shopping spree we had to remove all the mortars from their cases and reload the entire van to get the fireworks to fit inside. Brown paper bags filled with fireworks were everywhere, this was no longer a van, it was now a two ton hollow point bullet, loaded with idiots for maximum devastation.

As Ryan cranked the van Jeff pointed at a billboard for a flea market that was ten miles in the wrong direction and said “Let's go see if they're open today.” Andy turned around and asked “Would you hand me some blankets and cover all the fireworks back there?” As we passed the blankets and covered what we could, Jeff lit a Cigar and said “Steven get him” while pointing at a Mexican that was walking on the side of the road.

The van slowed to a crawl as Steven lit the mortar and tossed it out the window at the Mexican.

The fuse sparkled extremely fast and then the mortar began to smoke. The Mexican bent over to inspect the smoke and I screamed “No, don't touch it!” Then it exploded creating a giant ring of fire in the grass all around the Mexican and he began to run away as fast as he could. I watched the Mexican for miles hoping that he would stop running to see that he was alright, but he never did.

The voice said “That poor Mexican was probably on his way to work and here comes these idiots throwing bombs at him.” I felt horrible so I opened a beer and asked “Do you guys want a beer?” hoping to change the subject, so maybe they wouldn't shoot anymore fireworks at people, but there was no stopping Jeff.