Should be against the rules to put that nice story in the middle then reprimand me after I am all choked up :)
I nice perspective taking it from invalidation, and I feel I have done this at least 10 times today already. Heck, I do it as a knee-jerk reaction to anything that even remotely sounds like someone trying to impress their feelings on me.
I can't help but think that there is a fine line between being self-critical and in fact invalidating your own self-worth. I really enjoyed your post and it did feel like an extension to a recent DM exchange, especially the beginning to do with emotional inhibition.
Like you say it is a deep topic, it is so ingrained in who we are as people that self-correcting can be very difficult.I guess we could look outward to how we affect other to validate that we are changing ourselves.
Oh @penderis, trust me when I say that I learned a tremendous amount from writing this post.
You are so right in saying that it is so ingrained in our culture as a people - I don't know how to undo these patterns in societies but it's rampant. Perhaps more education on emotional intelligence? Build the person up from the inside so that they can better communicate and deal with emotions as they reach adulthood.
I think that what you are describing in your personal experience is a little bit of 'putting up boundaries' which is a healthy response but maybe involves a different way of communicating it ;)
I was reminded of a personal experience I had a few years ago in which there was some event going on in our lives and a friend of mine offered to be an ear. I did respect her wisdom, but the thought of burdening her (or anyone) with a problem is not something I like doing...at all. I am a great listener for other people and I had helped this friend through a difficult time not too many months earlier. And then she said something really potent to me, "You know, sometimes allowing others to share in your burden with you is a gift to them as well." I had never thought about that aspect of it - that denying a friend to be a part of my burden was invalidating to her just as well. I'd like to say that I have improved in this area, but I just repeated this pattern the other day.
So we are always learning and growing. I think the important point here is just expanding our awareness a little more.
That is so true, I have found the same, where not allowing someone to help actually hurts them and I could see that they were then wondering or struggling with the thoughts. Maybe I don't trust them or the connection is a lie in itself. It felt as though I had personally affronted them and made their feelings seem to be of no worth.
Yip, boundaries. I like those. :)