I love my boyfriend very much; a lot! But I still feel that something is missing… cute cards; silly little gifts… surprises from time to time… romance in general!
He says that he is not that kind of a man and when I protest, saying that I miss the romance, his answer is: “nothing I do would be enough for you”.
He doesn’t understand that I don’t want the gifts themselves but to know that he thinks about me and that he cares about our relationship!
I am hopeless. Should I give up or fight for what I deserve?
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You are describing a situation of a feeling of lack that many people experience in their relationships; they feel neglected, unloved or emotionally unsatisfied. Many relationships begin with a huge BANG where two people give and receive love but then during the months and years to come the mutual nourishment disappears. When this happens the easiest and most immediate way to get a remedy is by trying to get reassurance from the spouse. When they cannot or don’t want to give us the emotional food, as with your boyfriend, we get confused and hopeless. We cannot see any solution or way to compel our spouse to change, to give us what we need.
But this process is natural and should be considered a gift for you because any lack that you suffer in your life is a reflection of a blockage in yourself. When you, for instance, hold back from nourishing yourself or when you can’t find the inner source to support you, then you will summon events and experiences from reality to reflect that deficiency inside. The “reflection principle” will then guide you to look for the solution inside. Let’s examine a practical tool that you can use to check and transform yourself –
Make a list of all the good things in your relationship. Then, in another column list the bad things in your relationship, those that you would want to change. Make sure you write everything and do not skip even the small and “silly” issues that bother you. Then, focus for a while on the good things, savor their energy and good feelings, smile while you read them and feel the excitement bubbling up.
Then, focus on the first thing that bothers you and begin to work with it. Talk with yourself and ask to know why it bothers you until you reach an answer that would reflect a psychological trait in your personality. To clear this up let’s examine a specific example.
Something that bothers me in my relationship: “my spouse watches too much TV and doesn’t care about me at all”
Question: “why does it bother me?”
Answer of first degree: “because it means that he doesn’t care about our relationship; that I am not important to him; that maybe he doesn’t love me anymore”
Question: “and even if that is true, why does it bother me that he doesn’t love me?”
Answer of second degree (that comes from deeper places in your thinking process): “because in my relationship I want to feel loved by my spouse and wanted by him”
Answer of third degree: “ because his love for me makes me happy, makes me feel great, exhilarates my senses and illuminates my day”.
Question: “why does my spouse’s attitude towards me make me feel that great?”
Answer of fourth degree: “because I believe that my happiness and joy are the result of attitudes from society; meaning, how an outer element treats me”.
And here is the heart of the matter: the realization (the “Ah-ha” moment) that if you changed your belief your reality would immediately reflect that change. When you realize that up until now you have nourished yourself on the outside rather than on the only stable and reliable source, that is yourself, then you will know how to solve the lack in your relationship.
In two words I can say that it’s an issue of self-love. When you love yourself everyone around you will reflect that love in ways you could never even imagine.
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