the exit nightmare
I call it the exit nightmare; the dream that God throws onto me that has all the bells and whistles of a warning. I hate getting them but they are vivid enough that I would be a fool to not pay attention.
I started the new year by purging my photo collection of R. I thought I had done a pretty good job thus far but there is room for improvement. I don't want to delete EVERYTHING. I want to account for moments well lived even though R turned out to be a toad. I felt no regret and plan to delete more photos when I have time. Too much to do, like LIVE, enjoy my family and friends, write, and play the piano.
My photo library pronounced that I loved him a lot. I want my library of pictures to simply say, I once loved...
Not every relationship gets an exit nightmare. The Universe decides in gorgeous terrible ways when I need one. Having just returned to Los Angeles, I thought I can finally enjoy sleeping in my own bed. Instead, I got a nightmare and it sat with me these past couple of days. My brain was full. I had two dreams to write of and I've not written since before Christmas.
The nightmare took place on a Christmas Day in a small mansion in the middle of a pretty place. I wasn't warm to the place. It's attempts at being charming and elegant fell short. The house was not the place to be for the holidays. No tree, holidays lights or decorations. I wanted to leave. I was dreaming in monochrome; sepia. There was no color and Christmas was missing.
R was dressed festively; sepia bow tie and Santa hat. He had family members there with us and they were in their own world. They were leaving the home to celebrate Christmas elsewhere. R insisted that I stay behind....alone and in monochrome.
It was a nightmare that told me to let go.
I had wanted to be inspired in my waking life and see a path so I could look past mistakes. Mistakes happen. They are for learning and being better. But there wasn't enough inspiration to fan any hopeful happy dreaming into my subconscious. The exit nightmare was ignited.
His New Year's Eve dramatic texting and posting photos of him with another was quite the lighter.
It's a new year. I listen to my dreams and nightmares.
Still waiting for the windfall.
JNET
Embrace the painful truth of what is and do not force it into what you would prefer. What was held many treasures that deserve proper honor for the value you found in them, despite the pain that knowing they are forever past now is a foundation. You simply must not devalue the validity of your truth then. It would devalue your worth to do so.
I'm sorry things fell the way they did. Seems that is the way of things sadly.
Thank you for the voice of comfort. I've been mindful in my purge process. There are many happy memories and photos left that I will enjoy reminiscing over when I am old and gray. I'm not a fan of failure and though I've had my "exit nightmare" I've been spared from the pain R suffers. Regret is a much more bitter pill.
I'm in a better place than he is.
My exit nightmare imparted me with a sense of freedom. The "nightmare" is over. Now to see and live life in full color.
Happy New Year!
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