Contest: "Can't Sleep..." ?
Although she was exhausted, she had great difficulty falling asleep. The storm that night continued unabated. Flashes of lightning filtering through the window illuminated the room at every instant; that was no bother.
It was the deafening sound of thunder that had her terrified; ever since she was a child she had always found it unbearable. A phobia she had inherited from her mother and had unfortunately passed on to little Susy, her eight-year-old daughter.
However, feeling her little body asleep next to her was something that brought her a little peace of mind. They had each other to keep each other warm, and most of all, hearing her snoring was something that gave her a little peace of mind. “At least you're asleep,” he thought as he cuddled her.
The weather report for that night, never mentioned the storm that suddenly broke out. “They always get it wrong, I don't even know why I pay attention to it,” she mentally said to herself. “Why does it always have to rain when Robert isn't home?” she questioned. “Oh my God, please,” she asked after hearing a thunderclap that gave her goose bumps.
The tum tum of her fluttering heart, was a reflection of the panic the heavy downpour caused her as it poured down on the roof. So many things went through her mind until physical exhaustion finally overcame her.
-Mom, I can't sleep. Can I sleep next to you? -Susy's voice woke her up.
-Yes, honey..." she answered instinctively, still asleep.
A few seconds were enough to react. The shiver ran through her body immediately: her skin bristled and her blood froze. Unconsciously she froze, unable to react.
-Mom! Give me a side, please. -Susy asked.
“Impossible,” she thought, “Then who's next to me?” she wondered. Gripped by fear, she hesitated to lift the sheet to make sure. She was sure that Susy was the one beside her. Her snoring, her small body and the warmth emanating from him were irrefutable proof of that.
-Mom! -Susy said as she touched his shoulder.
He opened his eyes wide and after a flash of lightning saw her standing next to the bed. “My God, what is all this?” he doubted the reality.
Finally she decided to lift the sheet and next to her slept a little girl who, although not Susy, was the same age and build as her, only her hair felt different. A new flash of lightning allowed her to distinguish the girl: it was not her daughter, it was herself.
That image of herself made her wake up abruptly from the deep sleep she had fallen into: it was just a nightmare. Susy was still asleep beside her; her tender face reflected security.
- Royalty free image generated with Gemini.
- Invited @solperez, @paholags, @cruzamilcar63 and @venecineaudio.
- Contest: "Can't Sleep..." ?.
An interesting take!
It’s quite close to the original story/prompt… The explanation that it was just a nightmare adds a nice little twist.
But what if there was another angle?
Imagine if Susy wasn’t real at all, just a doll that kept haunting her dreams. Or maybe Susy existed once, but only as a memory, and what she sees beside her is the shadow of her own childhood self. That would give the story an even darker, more mysterious edge. ;)))
0.00 SBD,
2.19 STEEM,
2.19 SP
Greetings my friend. If the truth is that you can also give an interesting twist to the story through there. You could even consider that Susy is an imaginary childhood crumb who has returned after a strong psychological problem. The options are multiple my friend, however in the end I decided to explore something like a common phobia (sometimes it's surprising how many people we end up knowing who are afraid of thunder) and build the short story from the psychological terror that it can generate to the sufferer of the phobia.
Although being very honest, I confess that I have written very few lines in the horror/horror genres.
0.00 SBD,
0.19 STEEM,
0.19 SP
You have done an excellent job!
Se dice que pasamos toda la vida, reviviendo traumas de la infancia. Y ese tema lo has abordado en tu relato. La niña estaba al lado de la protagonista no era más que una proyección de sí misma, de sus miedos, de esa fobia a los truenos, que nos hace ver cosas que no son.
Me encantó leerte. Te deseo suerte.
0.00 SBD,
0.19 STEEM,
0.19 SP
Gracias amiga. Espero que tengas tiempo para hacer tu entrada. Saludos
Excelente relato, amigo. El recurso de la pesadilla funcionó muy bien como dato escondido hasta el final; más que todo porque supo crear una gran tensión dramática que nos mantiene como lectores a la expectativa de principio a fin. Éxitos.
Gracias amigo. Es un gusto leer su comentario. Me gustaría tener la oportunidad de leer su entrada, bueno eso sí se anima a participar. Yo espero que si.
¡Holaaa amigo!🤗
Despertar en esa circunstancia, es para tener un infarto fulminante jajajaja... Me imaginé esa escena y, mi piel se erizó.
Excelente relato amigo... Te deseo mucho éxito en la dinámica. Un fuerte abrazo💚
Gracias amiga. Es grato saberlo.
Espero te animes a participar. Me gustaría leer tu entrada, se que tal vez se te podría ocurrir algo bien.
Curated by: chant
You have a knack for stories like this.
Hola @wlin.
La madre se desdoblo en sus sueños al ser ella misma la pequeña que yacia a su lado. En un sueño proyecto su fiobia a esos truenos y a la vez se asusto doblemente al darse cuenta que Susy estaba parada al otro lado de la cama. De verdad que lograste sobresaltar al lector y lograste llevarlo eficazmente a la pesadilla de la madre.
Excelente historia. Un gran saludo!.
Gracias amigo. Es muy agradable de leer tu apreciación de la historia.
Fantástico amigo, capturaste mi atención desde el inicio, y construiste una historia que impacta. Hubo momentos en que sentí estar dentro de la historia. Éxito.
Gracias amigo. Es un gusto leer su comentario. Trate de escribir una historia vivida, que se sintiera la experiencia en el lector, creo que me salió bien.
Saludos.