There is this great tool I forgot to talk about last time that you can use when you're looking for the things that you're attached to. And that is the word SHOULD. It's a magic word that when it comes out, it'll show you what you're attached to.
Let me give you an example, “There shouldn't be this much traffic.” Where did that idea come from? Why are you attached to that idea? This idea that you're attached to is going to cause you nothing but pain. I'll give you another example, “He shouldn't have talked to me that way.” May or may not be true, but it is what it is. It happened the way it happened and the idea that you're attached to is what's causing the most pain.
Here is a really damaging one. “You shouldn't feel that way.” That's going to cause all kinds of problems.
You can scale this from the small like, “I shouldn't have burnt myself on the toaster,” where you're just literally beating yourself up. Or to the grander scale like, “Our president shouldn't be doing those things or our world should be more intelligent, more loving, more whatever. This just breeds stress.
It creates conflict within and conflict in your interpersonal relationships, conflicts at your workplace. And then you'll more than likely be pointing the finger at everybody else is being like, what's wrong with all of these people around me? When really you're the common denominator in it all.
Awareness is key, using the word should is a big indicator but to unravel those attachments, you can literally ask yourself, “Is that thought true?” It comes from one of my favorites authors, her name is Byron Katie. She does what's called The Work and she starts to investigate these thoughts. When you say the word should, you're literally arguing with reality, but the good news is you lose that argument 100 percent of the time. So you are faced with, do I want to change the thought behind this and make myself a little bit less stressed, a little bit more at peace or do I want to hold on to this idea that things should be different and cause a massive amount of problems.
Are you getting worked up over something that is out of your control? We get so worked up over things that we have absolutely no control over, like the traffic. “The traffic shouldn't be this bad. It's only 2:00 PM.” Can you change that? Can you change control that at all? Not really. So can you get worked up over it? Yes. Can you also take a deep breath and maybe turn on some Dr Dre and jam out in your car which will maybe change your mood? Maybe it's just as easy as a little bit of Dr. Dre?
One of the greatest psychologists who ever lived was a man named Victor Frankl and he said the last true freedom that any of us will ever have is the freedom to choose how we respond to a situation. And that's exactly what @ogc and I are talking about. When you have the awareness, you know it's the thoughts and you know that you have the ultimate freedom of choice to maybe you get in your car and you turn on Dr. Dre then you start laughing at the traffic instead of getting angry. Maybe we have a little party in your car instead of stressing and road raging thinking the things should be different and that's just with traffic. I mean I imagine how many other places it shows up in your life.
So I hope the things that we're talking about resonate with you in a way that before you start to yell at yourself or someone else about, you know like your kids. Before you go to something violent, even if it's just to yourself, maybe you take a look at the ideas you're attached to and consciously make a choice to change them.
Don't should on yourself.
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