I'm BACK!

That's right, your resident mad scientist is here to show you how to treat that special someone (or yourself) to a sweet surprise for Valentine's Day! So haul out those leftover containers from all that buffalo dip you ate during the super bowl. (You did save those, right?) and get ready to make a gift that anyone with skin will love!

Single? Think this post doesn't apply to you? Well that's where you're WRONG meatbag! Exfoliation is a surefire way to keep that great template of flesh totally smooth and silky, giving it such a golden radiance and wonderful smell that it will attract potential mates from miles away! And you don't need to spend 12 bucks on a tube of some fancy department store brand golp when you can make it all yourself for about a dollar a batch!

So let's get straight to it! First we start with the final product, to get ourselves pumped and to know that it's possible to make it to the end:

^{OOoooo....Pretty}

Then for that sweet ingredients shot:

^{The toaster isn't necessary, but you never know when it'll come in handy.}

You're gonna need:

• 1/2 Cup Sugar
• 1/2 Cup Epsom Salt
• 1/2 TBSP Coconut oil
• 1/2 TBSP Honey
• 2 TBSP Vegetable Glycerin
• A few drops of essential oil
• Soap Dye

NOTE: So much of this list is flexible it's crazy. The coconut oil and vegetable glycerin can both be substituted for nearly any kind of oil, from olive oil to crisco. Wanna make it from bacon grease? Be my guest. It'll provide the same benefits and you can skip the essential oils to keep that sweet smokey business intact. Soap dye is completely optional, as is the honey, and you can substitute epsom salts for plain old table salt if you want. No biggie here.

What To Do

OK, now, I'm making a double batch, so I doubled up on everything in the pics. You do you fam. Let's get started and put some salt in there:

^{Don't use rock salt unless you're attracting a dalek to your spa. EXFOLIATE!!!}

Then some sugar.

^{If you have the big grain raw stuff then use that instead.}

Crush any large lumps of sugar and salt. You don't have to get all of them, we'll be blending this later, but big clumps are easier to take care of right now before any liquids are added.

Now for a big scoop of coconut oil. You can go heavy here if you like, melon ball it for all I care. That shit is amazing. If you're doing just one kind of oil, read on before performing this step.

^{So satisfying to scoop}

Start slow with your oil. If you're only using one kind of oil, start with about 1/2 the amount listed and work your way up. Here I've started with just 1 tablespoon for the double batch. You don't want to dissolve too much of the sugar and salt mix, you just want to soften it a bit.

^{Using medical grade anything makes me happy}

Again, start slow with the liquids. Next we move on to the honey. I'm serious about doing half of everything up front, just in case. Waste not want not.

^{Sugar...awwww honey honey!}

Essential oils. Here you're going to have to be careful. If you know the amount you want and have some experience, then you already know how much you need. Otherwise, start with like 2 drops and work up. Depending on the scent, you can easily overpower a batch. For this double-batch I wanted a strong aroma, and used a total of 10 drops of eucalyptus oil.

^{Calily, if you want more product placement, call me, we can make a deal.}

Now start to mix that stuff. I used a large spoon. You're not trying to blend it, or scramble it like an egg, but gently combine it. Just fold and mix and press and squish. You want to get the consistency of damp sand, not soggy but enough that it will fall apart in clumps. I ended up adding the other half of all of my liquids, then some. Total there's about 6 tablespoons of liquid, counting the honey, coconut oil, and glycerin combined, for the two cups of dry salt and sugar.

And here you can see the rough clumping. Seriously, it should be damp, not wet. Less is more.

Now, those cans we spoke of. I hope you've been saving them, because there's more to come as far as their never ending usefulness. For now we're going to fill those cans up, throw them in a sammich bag, draw hearts and love notes on them, and give them away to your neighbors (Because we are kind and neighborly folk dammit. These are cheap and wonderful and anyone who puts up with the sounds of experimental death ray construction across the street deserves to be pampered). Be warned, however, that because they contain sugar, you should store them airtight in a cool, dry place. You don't want to see naked cockroaches shaving their legs in your sink first thing tomorrow morning, trust me.

^{Someday I'll find a lid that fits these. For now, there's zip-lock.}

BONUS ROUND
Wanna go the extra mile for V-Day? Grab yourself some red soap dye and add a few drops. (Some people will say it's ok to use food coloring for bathtubs. This is dependent on you, your bath tub, and how your food coloring is sourced. I don't recommend it. Bath dye is cheap and way safer but to each their own)

Mix it up and BAM! instant impressive skillz.

^{Why is there less in this container than just a couple steps ago you ask? Because OH MY GOD I AM SO SOFT NOW SMELL MY ARM ISN'T IT WONDERFUL YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS ahem ...no reason.}

Have questions? Did you try it out? Are you an alien with an interest in global conquest? Comment below! I try to reply to every comment as soon as I see them!

All images by me and hosted on Imgur.

This is educational information and any opinions expressed herein do not replace professional medical advice. If you are ill, see a suitably qualified medical practitioner.