Remembering my childhood

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious that other kids would pick on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other kids for picking on me when I would also pick on others but saw who I was within it as just defending myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how vulnerable I felt as a kid that I must make a name for myself as not being someone who is vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang out with the cool kids and do what they do so that I wouldn't seem vulnrable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing down from the cool groups at school even when the behaviour needed to seem cool was not treating other's as I'd like to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I let my childhood form into selfish behaviour that I blamed on other's seeing myself as the innocent victimized one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing what kind of home life the other kids must have had that they acted the same way I did even though they all had good in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others showed me I have to let go of all ideas of myself and embrace who I am unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how supressed I was as a kid and remain to this day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I've always been deeply supressed all my life.

When and as I see myself blaming my supression on the other kids for making me afraid to not fit in if I didn't supress my expression, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have always been supressing my expression it only got worse the more I refused to forgive myself, thus, I commit myself to take self responsability off my resonating experience of myself which came up clearly before I reached the grade in school that I finally gave up and went into total blame and confirmation of other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much entertainment I've used to supress and block out my real experience of myself as total anxiety and discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting how much of my childhood I lost to the discomfort of supressing myself and never facing my anxiety more then what I blamed them on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how many hours of television I watched hiding from myself thinking I was achieving victory over my supression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how many hours I've spent playing video games believing I was being victorious over my supression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I can see right into my shit that all I've done is pile up shit hiding from the actual injustice I see outside as equal to inside.

When and as I see myself angry at seeing the reality of consquence for not facing up to my own shit but hiding in illusion, I stop, I breathe, I realize the shots still piling I'm just getting better at managing it, thus, I commit myself to face up to my shit as my role in this demon self destructive system through living the word total self love.

I commit myself to utilize self love where I never used self love.

I commit myself to utilize self understanding where I judge myself instead of understand where I'm coming from.