Unstable
This Word Describes Me Best Right Now
I have suffered from depression for a long time but I am deeper in its grasp than I have been for years. I have reasons, more than I can name. It makes me lethargic, steals my joy, colors my perceptions, and clouds my thinking. It leads to really bad decisions.
The worst part of all this is it is self reinforcing. I know what the solution is. I have to get up. I have to take action. But the depression keeps me still and the stillness keeps me depressed.
Recently, my cloudy perceptions led me to do something stupid. I was a part of something awesome and I threw it away. I didn't do this because I didn't want to be a part of it. I did it because I was trapped in a kind of circle in my mind. It is all rather complicated to explain to someone who isn't living in my head.
I probably alienated a few people. I may have permanently damaged a few relationships. I generally looked like an asshole. What makes it all really stupid is I could have avoided all this if i had talked to a few people and been honest about my mental state and where my thoughts were leading me.
Now What?
Hopefully something good can come of this. After I jumped to full retard I was really embarrassed. This may have woke me up. I was forced to examine how stupid I was being. Once I faced that I had to try to pick up the pieces. I don't know if I was successful and I still feel like an ass. I doubt I could be an ASAPER again. Honestly, why would they want me to? I've proven myself to be an ass. Also, I would feel awkward. But the important thing is, I finally got off my ass.
This is the first post I have written in quite a while. I have posted a few songs and beats here and there, but I have written nothing. I just couldn't... Knowing this also amplified my depression. Now though, I am back. I'm done taking this shit laying down. I have a life. I have loved ones. I have valuable relationships. I'm not going to let depression steal all this from me. I'm not going to let depression take the income I can generate on Steem away from me.
I Am Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other
Ultimately that is the silver bullet that kills the monster that is depression. Action. Followed by more action. Even if what you do fails. Even if you do something stupid. Depression can not win if you simply get moving. I am moving now and I don't intend to stop.
If you like what you read here then please give it an upvote and a resteem. Follow @wdougwatson to keep up with my journey to freedom.
Until next time, Keep Steeming!
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Hey @wdougwatson, you will always be part of the @asapers, we appreciate you for what you can give and don't hold what you can't against you. I understand depression and have often found myself lost in a sea of shit with what seems as no way out.
Great work on writing it down and getting it out, I find it helps me to do the same but always find the starting part hard. It's funny how we stop doing the things we know can help us get out of where we have fallen.
Your Awesome and yes you do have loved ones! Chin up and see you round the blockchain & Discord :) Talk anytime.
You and @hitmeasap have made me feel like a goober. lOl. Also, I'm pretty sure feeling that way is a good thing.
THANKS. :-)
It’s so awesome to see someone react like you do @insideoutlet, without judging people for mistakes they make, but appreciating them unconditionally.
Very courageous of you to share this.
And I feel truly honored to have read it.
"Many sincere thanks placed at your feet, Sahib."
RE: Your Post
Been there, done that - and then some!
Keep up the workouts.
Then ponder this:
Depression is based on lamenting the past, while anxiety is unnecessary worries about the future.
But each of those terms is an illusion.
Your time is always NOW. The past is just a NOW you remember and the future is just a NOW you envision.
Enjoy NOW.
Namaste,
JaiChai
Firstly, this is the first time in my life anyone has unironically said Namaste to me. Secondly, thanks for you kind and wise words.
Kudos for having the courage to write out your feelings. Depression is a mean beast that doesn't allow us to think clearly...even when we know what we need!
Yeah, it has a way of steamrolling over common sense.
Thanks for your comment.
Try not to beat yourself up for being depressed. That is a vicious circle. I know giving that advice is counter intuitive since it is hard to stop yourself from doing that to yourself - I know, I do it - and some people will then even beat themselves up for beating themselves up, but you don't have to. I don't know exactly what happened but it wouldn't have been that bad that you should be beating yourself up about it even if you feel that you deserve it - you don't. Brains and especially overthinkers' brains just punish themselves that way.
It's good you are doing something to overcome the depression. You said you have suffered from it for a long time though. Have you tried getting help? Sometimes psychologists or psychiatrists can help quite a bit. Sometimes being human they can say the wrong thing and make it worse etc but sometimes they can help, especially if you don't even really know why you are depressed / anxious etc in the first place. I've been both helped and negatively affected by psychologists before but the one that helped helped a lot. I haven't seen a psychiatrist before but I will be seeing one in a couple of months so I can't comment on psychiatrists but that's for a different reason anyway. I don't know how much financial help you get where you are getting access to mental health practitioners but I found a psychologist did help me in one of my worst times so I thought I would suggest maybe it might help you too if you can manage to see one. I'm not doing perfectly now but I'm doing better than I was and I definitely benefited from the one that helped me. Keep in mind, when they do help it can help a lot, but they aren't all perfect either. One recently dismissed concerns I had as something trivial (and a fault in my character) and actually restarted doubt and negative self talk in my head that I had stopped inflicting on myself previously. You might encounter stuff like this and it is harsh but it is worth it if the next person you see is the one who helps you work everything out and actually helps you. Just something to think about. I know you might have already gone through this process, but I just wanted to suggest it in case you hadn't and it might help.
I have mixed feelings concerning psychologists/psychiatrists. I have had good psychologists who really helped, but I had a very negative experience as my first experience with the mental health industry.
I was institutionalized against my will for almost a month when I was 15. During this time I was diagnosed with a combination of borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. These are classified as "basic personality disorders" they are akin to sociopathy and untreatable. For this reason, I thought for years that I was basically a monster. The entire experience was quite traumatic and truly I'm not over it to this day.
I also disapprove of the industry habit of prescribing pills with dangerous side effects that are often worse than the condition you are being treated for. So far all psychiatric medicines have made me worse.
I don't believe all mental health professionals are bad, I just have trouble trusting them due to my past and this is a serious hindrance to actually getting help. So far, the only thing that has helped me is introspection, goal setting, and action.
All that being said, I do appreciate your comment and your sincere attempt to help.
That sounds like it would have been hard. I have heard of bpd before. It has actually popped up before on the odd occasion I have thought "What the fuck is wrong with me?" and googled what I was experiencing / my "symptoms". It would be hard being institutionalised and I can see why that would turn people off of seeking people in same profession to help them. I have researched foster care before and I want to do respite foster care (taking care of foster kids about a weekend a month to give the normal foster parents a break or taking in foster kids while the normal foster family goes on holiday if the biological parent's said no to the kid leaving the state etc) and I've read some pretty saddening stuff about it and I do feel sorry for some of the kids as some do end up stuck either being institutionalised or in state homes because no foster family can handle their behaviour (which is a result of what they have been through). It's a sad world sometimes and I'm sorry to hear you had to go through what you did and I don't blame you for having trouble trusting mental health professionals.
I don't trust all of them. This last person made me feel like shit about myself temporarily and then once I realised she was wrong, just made me feel angry that she made me feel that way. The person I saw before was good and helped me a lot. The person I need to see (the actual psychiatrist not psychologist) I am hoping is good because I'm in the opposite boat - without a diagnosis, it suggests the issues I'm having are a fault with me and my personality and I just fail at it all. It's a reflection on my personality and myself and my ability to just manage life - to "adult" if you prefer - if there isn't anything else to cause it, but I think there is. If my first experience was with the person I most recently saw and I didn't have the experience of working with the other psychologist, I wouldn't give up because I feel this is something I need to be assessed for, but I would be less trusting of the profession in general, so I get how people get distrusting of them.
As for medication, I think that comes down to a "it's complicated". In my potential situation, reading people's stories it seems like the pros outweigh the cons, but I would personally prefer to medicate "as needed" (which apparently some people do) if I was allowed rather than constantly as there still are cons some people experience, like reduction in creativity and "not feeling like yourself". I have a cousin with the same thing I suspect I have and he was medicated as a child and he hates medication. I don't know his reasoning, but he is adamantly against it. I would be hoping for cbt, medication and strategies to manage the symptoms in my case. I think medication would help if I'm right about what I'm experiencing but I wouldn't like being given no strategies other than medication. I think there needs to be a wider approach to these things than just "take these". Medication isn't always the best strategy and it isn't for everyone.
Sorry to hear about your depression and your past. It's good that you are working your way out of depression by keeping on and not letting it beat you. I don't understand what it feels like what you've been through - I can guess but I haven't experienced that myself so I don't know -
but I do understand the issue with trusting them. I hope what you are doing works for you and helps you.
Hi @wdougwatson
Thanks for your honest post.
Believe it or not, it made me feel good to read it. It made me realize that I’m not the only person in the world who is getting stuck going around in circles in his own mind.
I know what it’s like. I’ve been battling depression for a while now, and these last few weeks, I actually manage to be happy again. To laugh out loud, without the dark clouds that used to be there all the time.
And it is like you say, my healing process started the day I stopped thinking about having to take action, and actually took action.
It sounds so easy now that I write it, but it sure isn’t. It’s one step at a time, and sometimes a step back. When that happens, the negativity starts to spread again, it’s a struggle to not let those negative thoughts win. You are not a failure if you try (and miss).
I know it doesn’t help a lot (been there, done that), but still I want to show you a couple of positive points, and congratulate you on those...
First, you wrote this post. You got off your ass and took action!
Second, you made a bad decision, and you cared. You care about the other people, you care about yourself.
Keep moving, don’t stop. Make sure your head can’t take over.
Print this page, and hang it up somewhere. Read it, even at times you think it’s all BS: read it until you believe you can fight again. ‘cos you can, I can, we can!!!
Excellent comment!
You almost reach the threshold for motivational writing there dude.
I think it is also important to remember that we will probably fall again. When we do, the answer hasn't changed. In alot of ways this disease is like alcoholism. When alcohol controls your life the answer is always to not drink. Even if you just got drunk, not drinking is what you have to do first.
Similarly, when you fall into the haze of depression the answer is always to get moving. Even if you haven't cleaned your house in a month and you have been sitting in the dark for a week, put one foot in front of the other.
Thanks again for the solid comment.
Keep Steeming, and keep fighting.
Thanks, you too!
I will probably always have the tendency to overthink everything, risking to get cought in those downward circles in my mind.
I only recently realized that this is a talent, which can be just as well be used for the good. (I’m struggling a bit with language barriers here - lol)
I mean, I have the power to ‘brainwash’myself until everything’s negative and nothing matters.
(Not-so-)Simply turn that upside down and use it for positive things... the power is there, it’s about how you use it (for now, that’s only the theoretical part. I still need some exercise and time to be able to put it into practice)
I also learned that it helps to be more open. Like you did in your post. You could have kept your thoughts inside, making the situation worse in your head, but then you wouldn’t have known about how @hitmeasap and @insideoutlet are not judging you as you were yourself.
And it’s one thing to be open to people, but to be this open in public... that’s courage, man :0)
A great way to stop depression is to have purpose, in the military we called it "spiritual readiness". This is not to be confused with religion, but just to have hope for the future and meaning in your life. If @asapers gives you purpose in life, get back on it! It's giving you purpose bro.
I saw you upvoted one of my posts and I was curious to see who liked it and found this. Sorry I can't upvote you because it's too late. But your post resonated with me.
I know about depression. I see it as an energy spiral that can go up or down. If it goes down too far you lose the energy and ability to climb back up. Like priming a pump but you don't have anything to prime it with. I've been there and it's horrible.
And what I did is what you describe - one foot in front of the other. Every day I did something - it didn't have to be a big thing. Wash clothes. Next day fold them. Buy groceries. Next day cook something. Answering the phone counted! Eventually I found joy again and tried to be extra aware that I didn't let myself sink that low again.
But I did and at least I knew the steps to take to climb back up. And it didn't take as long.
I hope you do start posting more - I'll be following you!
Wow so much information to digest, understand and re-read.
Thanks for sharing and educating!
If you have a minute to check out one of my posts: https://stееmit.com/@tarik143/santal-indigenous-ethnic-groups-and-their-biography I will be forever your fan!
Thank you!