CHANGE The Way you SEE Yourself

I know it's been a little bit since I've posted anything truly motivating or inspirational. That would be, I haven't been feeling that vibe lately. I have been in limbo. Trying to not let depression in type mode. So it usually means a little bit of withdrawal and trying not to think.

One of things I do is just watch mindless stuff on YouTube. I came across this video and it struck a chord in me. This was something I could completely relate to. There were many similarities to my relationship with my father. Granted I didn't have a barn to clean out and my dad was not a workaholic. Mine was an abusive alcoholic. I completely understood when he talks about trying to gain his dad's approval and no matter what he did he never got it. Only find out later on. He didn't need it. It is amazing how one person can walk into your life and help you change how your see yourself and how you life can expand from there.

So getting a little personal here. Yes my father was an abusive alcoholic, thankfully never sexually (I think that would have been easier to deal with) I was not the correct sex. I should have been a boy. I had once incident I knew where he tried to kill me. I was 31 years old and he actually had his hand around my throat and started to squeeze. All I did was stand there and stare him down. I refused to choke or gag. Then he stopped. I screamed at him to finish it because it is what he wanted. His response was 'Your brother would never forgive me' Nice, huh?

Just like I had incidents from my childhood I had blocked. Some of those have been opened up in the past year. The first one was I was around a year old. I was sitting in front of the TV watching Sesame Street. I remember a loud bang but that is it. I barely remembered Oscar being on the screen. I found out from my mom. My father had been 'cleaning' his gun (it was a .22 revolver looked like an old cowboy gun with pearl grip) in the chair behind me and it 'accidentally' went off. The bullet hit the floor less than 2 inches from me.

The second one was probably a year and half later, my brother was born so I know I was around 2 years old. Still same place, we hadn't moved. It was a 2-story home. It had dark colored carpeting (I want to say green but it could have been brown) on the stairs and it had a wrought iron railing. At the very top of the stairs was the bathroom and the room right next to it was were my brother was. I don't remember how I got to the stairs, I remember feeling hands on me, I remember falling and tumbling and each time I rolled over I saw my father standing at the top of the stairs with his arms crossed watching me. When he came down the stairs he picked me up and yelled at me to stop crying that there was nothing wrong with me.

Then just the normal alcoholic crap, dragging me down the hallway by my hair to beat my ass because I had said I wanted to go home. He punched a hole in the wall, because I would not sit there and watch football with him. Hand prints on my butt that my mom would ask about and could never explain along with deep bruising on my arms and shoulders. Never showed up to any of my softball or soccer games, but made it to all of my brother's. Funny... I played and my brother was the benchwarmer.

Finally, I decided it was not a healthy relationship. He wouldn't do anything with my children only his 'wife's' child and his children.' They didn't get phone calls or birthday and Christmas presents. I was done. I was not going to allow him to treat my children the way he treated me. If he wanted to be part of their life or mine then he need to try. Needless to say, he didn't. It's pretty bad when my step-brother lived 2 miles from me, they would go see him but not once came to see me or my kids. At that point I called it quits. I told him that as far as I was concerned he no longer existed. I listed all the reasons why, the abuse, the attempts on my life, the lack of caring for his grandchildren. That I was putting and end to his abuse of my family. Everyone thought I was nuts. 'You'll regret it if something happens.' 'You'll beat yourself up when he dies because you didn't fix this.' It wasn't up to me to fix. I tried. He didn't want it fixed. So up until the day he died, I was never good enough for him. I had no remorse of my decision. It's been 2 1/2 yrs and still it doesn't bother me. I've been told I'm cold and heartless. I had to do what I needed to do to take care of ME. That was the key thing all along I never knew I needed to do.

I know this was not my fault. It was all him. I truly am at peace with the decision I made. It lifted a stress and deeply seeded pain and I was finally able to start working on healing.

If you struggle or have struggled with parental approval...watch this video, it is worth the time. There is a book I was able to download. When I finish it, I'll do a mini review.

I know it's been a little bit since I've posted anything truly motivating or inspirational. That would be, I haven't been feeling that vibe lately. I have been in limbo. Trying to not let depression in type mode. So it usually means a little bit of withdrawal and trying not to think.

One of things I do is just watch mindless stuff on YouTube. I came across this video and it struck a chord in me. This was something I could completely relate to. There were many similarities to my relationship with my father. Granted I didn't have a barn to clean out and my dad was not a workaholic. Mine was an abusive alcoholic. I completely understood when he talks about trying to gain his dad's approval and no matter what he did he never got it. Only find out later on. He didn't need it. It is amazing how one person can walk into your life and help you change how your see yourself and how you life can expand from there.

So getting a little personal here. Yes my father was an abusive alcoholic, thankfully never sexually (I think that would have been easier to deal with) I was not the correct sex. I should have been a boy. I had once incident I knew where he tried to kill me. I was 31 years old and he actually had his hand around my throat and started to squeeze. All I did was stand there and stare him down. I refused to choke or gag. Then he stopped. I screamed at him to finish it because it is what he wanted. His response was 'Your brother would never forgive me' Nice, huh?

Just like I had incidents from my childhood I had blocked. Some of those have been opened up in the past year. The first one was I was around a year old. I was sitting in front of the TV watching Sesame Street. I remember a loud bang but that is it. I barely remembered Oscar being on the screen. I found out from my mom. My father had been 'cleaning' his gun (it was a .22 revolver looked like an old cowboy gun with pearl grip) in the chair behind me and it 'accidentally' went off. The bullet hit the floor less than 2 inches from me.

The second one was probably a year and half later, my brother was born so I know I was around 2 years old. Still same place, we hadn't moved. It was a 2-story home. It had dark colored carpeting (I want to say green but it could have been brown) on the stairs and it had a wrought iron railing. At the very top of the stairs was the bathroom and the room right next to it was were my brother was. I don't remember how I got to the stairs, I remember feeling hands on me, I remember falling and tumbling and each time I rolled over I saw my father standing at the top of the stairs with his arms crossed watching me. When he came down the stairs he picked me up and yelled at me to stop crying that there was nothing wrong with me.

Then just the normal alcoholic crap, dragging me down the hallway by my hair to beat my ass because I had said I wanted to go home. He punched a hole in the wall, because I would not sit there and watch football with him. Hand prints on my butt that my mom would ask about and could never explain along with deep bruising on my arms and shoulders. Never showed up to any of my softball or soccer games, but made it to all of my brother's. Funny... I played and my brother was the benchwarmer.

Finally, I decided it was not a healthy relationship. He wouldn't do anything with my children only his 'wife's' child and his children.' They didn't get phone calls or birthday and Christmas presents. I was done. I was not going to allow him to treat my children the way he treated me. If he wanted to be part of their life or mine then he need to try. Needless to say, he didn't. It's pretty bad when my step-brother lived 2 miles from me, they would go see him but not once came to see me or my kids. At that point I called it quits. I told him that as far as I was concerned he no longer existed. I listed all the reasons why, the abuse, the attempts on my life, the lack of caring for his grandchildren. That I was putting and end to his abuse of my family. Everyone thought I was nuts. 'You'll regret it if something happens.' 'You'll beat yourself up when he dies because you didn't fix this.' It wasn't up to me to fix. I tried. He didn't want it fixed. So up until the day he died, I was never good enough for him. I had no remorse of my decision. It's been 2 1/2 yrs and still it doesn't bother me. I've been told I'm cold and heartless. I had to do what I needed to do to take care of ME. That was the key thing all along I never knew I needed to do.

I know this was not my fault. It was all him. I truly am at peace with the decision I made. It lifted a stress and deeply seeded pain and I was finally able to start working on healing.

If you struggle or have struggled with parental approval...watch this video, it is worth the time. There is a book I was able to download. When I finish it, I'll do a mini review.

https://www.goalcast.com/2018/02/16/rock-thomas/