The power of music with depression and my memories of the past

(I created this post on the 29th of May 2020)

Music is special to most people. For me personally, I would die inside without music. Making music, singing, listening to music, each of these activities are special and liberating to me.

Music is infinite, in the melodies, the lyrics, the emotions the bands, singers and songwriters put into their songs. Music can change your mood, make you feel understood, take away loneliness. It can make you melancholic, it can make you think of positive things, good friends, or bad experiences.

Music has always been a part of me. I have songs that remind me of the most horrible times of my life, songs that make me remember a friend, songs that remind me of loved ones that are no longer with us, songs that remind me of wonderful parties and gatherings with friends.

Today I am listening to songs that remind me of the worst time of my life, I haven’t done this in years and it is the first time, since I am no longer suffering from depression, that I dared to listen to these songs.

At first I had mixed feelings, but I realise I no longer break down in tears. It hurts a bit and I feel a little uneasy and sad. But I don’t really feel anything about the events that happened at that time of my life, what makes me uneasy and sad is the fact that back then was the last time I saw my dad in person.
I had a feeling I wouldn’t see him for a long time afterwards, but it has already been 14 years. One more year and it will be half of my life since I have seen him. I could never have imagined back then, that it will be so long without meeting up with him.

As you know I have mentioned my father before and yes, I have had a very complex and challenging realtionship with him. I used to love spending time with my dad when I was small, so small I don’t remember. Then I wanted attention, followed him around as good as I could, went to work with him sometimes before I was old enough to go to school. He was strict and mostly didn’t have the patience to play board games with us, I started to stand up for my brother and rebell against him. I even had a period of time when I was afraid of him, although he never laid a finger on me.

When I was a teenager I broke free and did what I wanted to do, no matter the consequence. I ran away from home a few times and when I was 13 my dad left the country to work in Kuwait. (that had multiple reasons, but I will get to why in a much later post when I will reveal my life all in one series of posts)

When I was 15 we left to move to kuwait, I did not want to go at all. My friends even tried to help me escape from my parents to live with them and not having to leave the country… I thought about it, but I could not leave my mom behind, so I stayed. We lived in kuwait for about 4 months, although for me it felt like half a year.
During my time in kuwait I wasted alot of time and energy trying to hate my father, but that was just a result of the pain of not being able to reach him. I thought if I could hate him, it would never hurt again and I would free myself from the connection I have with him. What an idiot I was, the bond we share through our blood, through his temper that is a huge part of who I am, can never be undone. The fighter he has made me…. All that can never be ignored and those ties can never be severed. (And I would never want to do that now, I was a hurt little child in the body of a teenager at that time)

I am listening to bands and songs from back then right now.

It is fascinating how a song can remind you of smells, or places. Listening to “Creed – Bullets“ for example ALWAYS takes me back to one memory. Sitting in the car driving through the desert from the airport to my dads work appartment. I remember the smell, the light of the sun, the heat, and the exact scenery. Back then I did not know that this one car drive, would be the start of the worst experience in my life.

I am making this post right now, for various reasons, for one to talk about it, but also to remind everyone of the power music holds over us.

If a depressed person listens to depressing songs, lyrics or songs that remind them of a horrible experience, it will bring you to a downward spiral. The songs will continue and you will find yourself trapped. If you are depressed and listen to uplifting music or songs that remind you of positive things it might help, but it can also backlash if it’s too positive for your mood. If you listen to music that is rather neutral and then switch to more positive songs for you personally (it does not all have to be positive music, for example if you listened to a quite depressing song but experienced a wonderful kiss or something similar, then even if the song is depressing it will have a positive impact on you).

I wish I knew if posting song titles is allowed. I will just risk it, if I am not allowed to then please someone tell me, I will edit my post and take all the songs mentioned out.

Here is an example of my personal way of how to drift from a personally destructive song to a positive one. I like to listen to Creed, I can start with “Bullets“, feeling horrible, then go to the song “What if“ which is more empowering for me and then go over to “One“ which I just love and makes me feel wonderful.

Pay attention to what you listen to and what it does with your emotions and state of mind. Music is all around us. Music is so powerful and amazing that I have no words to describe it. I can no longer live without it.

I hope you appreciate my posts and that they may help you. I am no longer depressed, but I will someday post my life here, all of it that I remember. I have never written it all down, but it needs to be written down one day, to truly leave it in the past for good.

My past has often tempted me to become depressed again, but only if I give in to it and choose to let the depression in again, can it reach me. People who have been depressed can free themselves from depression, but this does not mean that you get rid of the illness easily. You have to change your mind, change your trail of thoughts and control your thoughts. If you do this, you can train your mind to be in a stable state. If you maintain that stable state, your mind will never fall back into a depressive state again.

Only you can free yourself from depression and keep your mind and body healthy. Only you can protect yourself from depression after going through the hard and long road of recovering and finding yourself again.

Don’t worry, that does not mean you need to go this path alone, but you need to change your mindset and that can only be done by you. I will help you along the way and hopefully also some of your friends and family will assist you aswell!

Have a lovely day everyone!