I read that whole thing because I think you want to be heard.
"My insides out, my left is right, my upside’s down, my black is white. I hold my breath, and close my eyes and wait for dawn, but there’s no light."
if you wrote that, you're a genius so you have at least that going for you.
Plus you can look at yourself in the mirror according to what you said, a lot of "normal" people can't even do that. I see them every day, they can't even make eye contact with me.
Don't beat yourself up, there is a giant umbrella corporation working behind the scenes reallocating (stealing) the fruits of our labor and spending it to make us feel that way so every minute you don't kill yourself is a giant "fuck you" to them.
If you're not feeling troubled or depressed then you're not a rational person.