A Solid Example of Going off on Tangents

Today was one of those days again. The 'bad' ones. Well, not especially, it just barely qualified is all. I did have this flood of negative emotions, but what saved it is I had the mind enough to I try and get rid of them logically.

For example, I've been feeling a lot of regret lately. Regret that I didn't work hard enough, that I had plenty of opportunities but never used them, which has eventually led me to whatever unrest I'm feeling. I, my friends, focused on being rambunctious, something I'm not even inherently good at!

But is that justified? I think somewhere in my mind, I have sheltered this concept that if I had worked hard, I wouldn't have any problems. But don't successful people have problems too? Then that means I need to correct my line of thought. I guess it just means that by working hard, I maybe wouldn't have this particular set of problems, I'd just be exchanging them for another set of 'em.

Regret is such a weird feeling though, it sucks out all productivity from you, all the while distracting you to the fact of what you have already lost, or think you lost. And because you're distracted, you lose the present moment's productivity too, only to regret it in the next one. See? It's an ugly cycle. I think I need to change the way I think, and rewire my brain for me to get rid of this emotion.

And then the lately constant low self-esteem. I just feel like I'm not good enough, that there's no point in continuing whatever I'm doing. This is another major blackhole in the productivity area.

Earlier, I'd literally go knocking on doors of friends. It was the same sketch over and over again, I'd tell them my problem, they'd respond with something sympathetic, which in turn would increase my self esteem by a few numbers, and I'd collect these statistics and move on with my bag to the next friend. Not to mention, this activity took a minimum of 50 friends to function, a number which certainly did not manage to deter me, it being a hopeless task. I came to see the loophole when I realized I needed better numbers, as there were inconsistencies in the number of friends that could be available at one time. My self esteem wanted quick results, it was like a bad boss. I needed to replace the labor-force, but with who?

And then it occurred, I could replace 50 of others with just 1 of me. I would work on just 1 of me keeping it together, for being for myself, instead of focusing on the remaining variables. I read somewhere that it would be extremely screwed up if we talked to somebody else the way we talk to ourselves, nobody else would tolerate it, so why do we? So it was settled then. I was going to be nice to me.

What about the much-needed dialogue? No problemo, I'll talk to myself. Need any words of encouragement? Look no further than the mirror. I'd effectively solved 25% of my problem. This doubles as a project I can take on, too, doesn't it? Working on myself. Being the best I can be. Oh how glorious it sounds!

Now comes the main part. This activity, however pleasant and wonderful the result of it sounds, needs constant effort.

It needs constant vigilance from my part, there can be no slip-ups. Every second is important, every second is a whole new scope for a better me. I cannot procrastinate anymore. And none of it scares me. I'm going to do it. Definitely. For sure... Tomorrow, maybe?

Source : my blog at mariamsafoora.wordpress.com