Inside the head of someone feeling depressed

Part of me doesn't want to write this. After all I originally came on to Steemit to earn some money. Then I tweaked it slightly and thought I might be able to share some wisdom.

At this point in time I am just using it as somewhere to talk about how I am feeling.

On the brightside I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday.

However I wanted to share with you a brief insight into how one's brain can be a constant source of demotivation during a normal day.

Let me be clear. I have no intention of hurting myself at this point in time and it isn't a cry for help. This is just some of the things I have been thinking about today.

I wont hurt myself as I have two kids. While they don't live with me I understand that it might impact them for the rest of their lives if I were to do somethign drastic. Because of that I wont.

However, here are some of the thoughts I have had today

1. Wonder how I could hang myself without it hurting?
2. Why am I so tired?
3. Why can't I be grateful for the things I have?
4. Why do I push everyone away?
5. I've had all this therapy and still I can feel miserable.

Writing it down actually takes some of the power away. And also increases how it might seem like crazy talk if you don't have thoughts like that.

It's not so much that I want to destroy myself. I just want to stop feeling sorry for myself and gain some of the motivation I once had.

I am aware that the negative thought patterns were embedded by my parents when I was young. I am also aware that once I had these negative views, my view of the world was shaped through that view.
So looking for things to reinforce my already negative beliefs.
Nowadays, as I've attracted so much disappointment in my life, I can "prove" how life has been a failure up till now.

Yes I've had some great times I guess. But the good times just don't feel like they outweigh the bad.

I know that this is just a feeling, an electrical inpulse in my head. That if I thought differently about life then life would be different.

I know this, yet, I do nothing.