I can say with comfortable certainty that lately things are going as well as they are poorly. It’s happening simultaneously, and I honestly haven’t done the best job dealing with it.
Self-care is something not to be overlooked. However, it is something I have perpetually overlooked most of my adult life because I don’t care too much for myself, and so that caring for myself didn’t seem like it made much sense.
I’m working on that little by little.
I have been writing songs.
I have been playing shows.
The EP is mastered and now I’m trying to work to get the album printed for release around the new year.
Image Credit @jasonrussell
This photo sums up pretty much how I feel lately. Pensive, nervous, and consumed with way too many thoughts.
I’ve been smoking cigarettes again, which is terrible and counterproductive to my aim to work on my voice, and also counterproductive to feeling like I’m getting somewhere in my life. So these things just rack up and I get so down on myself and I don’t even want to leave the house unless I have a show.
Anyway, I haven’t really wanted to just throw all of that out to Steemit for a number of reasons. First of all, there are people who know me in real life and this is stuff that I have kept bottled in my entire life. It’s surprising to some of them, and it makes me feel, in turn, like I’ve let some people down by being fucking depressed.
So. I’m working on it. I’m not gone. My powering down has had nothing to do with my absence, but more from a literal financial perspective being that I am persuing creative endeavors full-time...still...and who knows for how much longer.
Winter time isn’t great for booking musicians in the Midwest. Maybe a mild winter will bring more folks out to shows. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have to admit failure and try something else.
Sorry about the negativity. I’m having a rough time. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I just don’t want to let anyone down, and I don’t know what to say, and it’s just rough right now. I’ve not been a good friend. I’ve not been a good person to myself, either.
I hate October, but I love all of you and wanted to touch base after a relatively lengthy conversation with @jasonrussell who has been reminding me regularly that I am missed, and that makes me smile a little in an otherwise gloomy headspace I seem to be navigating lately.
I’m here, and I care, and I’m not gone. It’s just been too much of my own brain lately. I hope you are still with me. You are all in my heart and on my mind always.
I swear I’m going to get back to this. For the better part of a year, Steemit has really been my feel-good place, and sometimes when I get in this place, I leave my feel-good place so I can throw gasoline on my emotional fire and see just how shitty I can actually feel. I’m too old for that shit.
Love you guys. I’m here. I’ll be here more often. I promise. Thank you to @jsantana for the messages on other forms of social media, along with my friends from home (looking at you, too, @rockchickjen) who have been encouraging for me to come back to the fold. I didn’t really leave...I’ve just been in my head for way too long.