Hey dudes...I still exist. It’s going to be slow going for a bit, but I hope you bear with me.

in depression •  last year

I can say with comfortable certainty that lately things are going as well as they are poorly. It’s happening simultaneously, and I honestly haven’t done the best job dealing with it.

Self-care is something not to be overlooked. However, it is something I have perpetually overlooked most of my adult life because I don’t care too much for myself, and so that caring for myself didn’t seem like it made much sense.

I’m working on that little by little.

I have been writing songs.
I have been playing shows.

The EP is mastered and now I’m trying to work to get the album printed for release around the new year.


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Image Credit @jasonrussell

This photo sums up pretty much how I feel lately. Pensive, nervous, and consumed with way too many thoughts.

I’ve been smoking cigarettes again, which is terrible and counterproductive to my aim to work on my voice, and also counterproductive to feeling like I’m getting somewhere in my life. So these things just rack up and I get so down on myself and I don’t even want to leave the house unless I have a show.

Anyway, I haven’t really wanted to just throw all of that out to Steemit for a number of reasons. First of all, there are people who know me in real life and this is stuff that I have kept bottled in my entire life. It’s surprising to some of them, and it makes me feel, in turn, like I’ve let some people down by being fucking depressed.

So. I’m working on it. I’m not gone. My powering down has had nothing to do with my absence, but more from a literal financial perspective being that I am persuing creative endeavors full-time...still...and who knows for how much longer.

Winter time isn’t great for booking musicians in the Midwest. Maybe a mild winter will bring more folks out to shows. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have to admit failure and try something else.

Sorry about the negativity. I’m having a rough time. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I just don’t want to let anyone down, and I don’t know what to say, and it’s just rough right now. I’ve not been a good friend. I’ve not been a good person to myself, either.

I hate October, but I love all of you and wanted to touch base after a relatively lengthy conversation with @jasonrussell who has been reminding me regularly that I am missed, and that makes me smile a little in an otherwise gloomy headspace I seem to be navigating lately.

I’m here, and I care, and I’m not gone. It’s just been too much of my own brain lately. I hope you are still with me. You are all in my heart and on my mind always.

I swear I’m going to get back to this. For the better part of a year, Steemit has really been my feel-good place, and sometimes when I get in this place, I leave my feel-good place so I can throw gasoline on my emotional fire and see just how shitty I can actually feel. I’m too old for that shit.

Love you guys. I’m here. I’ll be here more often. I promise. Thank you to @jsantana for the messages on other forms of social media, along with my friends from home (looking at you, too, @rockchickjen) who have been encouraging for me to come back to the fold. I didn’t really leave...I’ve just been in my head for way too long.

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I was looking at your account just yesterday, to see if you had been active here. I've missed seeing your posts. I hope your situation gets more to your liking. And know that the woods and nature are always there for you! There are mushrooms now, too.

We all love you jesso!! Come to the happy place....

Yeah it must be tough to put yourself out there.
Dealing with depression is something I deal with it long time ago. Let me share this with you.
The cause of depression that scientists become to realize is all because of inflamation in the body, it could be anywhere. The body then produce citokain protein that is the cause of deppresion. Stuf that deal with this look up for whm. Or look at my post how to become superhuman that I wrote a couple of days ago. There are number of things to deal with it. Good luck :)

We've been waiting with open arms!...

but really... Cheer up my friend! I struggle with self-loathing at times too, I am by far my own worst enemy. Keeping a positive outlook is not easy, but if you slowly learn to love and appreciate yourself, things will brighten up around you!

I wish you the best of luck in your creative endeavors!

Although you don’t owe anyone an explanation, I’m glad that you’ve decided to share this. Seasonal affective disorder is a very, very real thing and I know that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I wish I had some special words of encouragement but I’m lacking them right now. Just know that you are loved, respected and admired by so many. You take care of YOU. And if you ever do feel like reaching out, you know where to find us. So many hugs, my beautiful friend ❤️❤️❤️

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I have a big helping of seasonal affected disorder attached to my clinical depression, so I know what that's like. The depression tricks you into thinking that you're not likable or that you're no good at anything, or that you're a horrible person, or sometimes all of the above. The thing you need to remember, even though it's hard to remember sometimes, is that depression lies to you in its despicably subtle way. Don't believe all the things that your depression says to you. I know this is difficult because I deal with it every day. Don't let it win.

Aww sweet pea... No one is disappointed in you. Depression happens and never really has any reasoning behind it. I know you feel like you've let everyone down but you haven't. If anything we all think more of you for posting this. I hate showing my darkness but I've learned that it's the only way to find any sort of solace when I'm at my lowest. That and writing... Because when you lay it all out, you find others who are fighting a similar battle or ones who have been through it already. And in some small way, it helps. But then you think "maybe I sound whinny or pathetic". But in all truthfulness, you find those special ones during these times. The lifers, the always there for you ones, the real ones, and the strong ones who aren't afraid to admit their weakness too. And then you realize that's it's worth the darkness. I truly believe that it's just part of self growth... Or at least I hope. 😉 Just remember that we all love you. I hope it gets better for you, and I hope you find some comfort in these last few months of this year! I love you Jesso! You're such an amazing soul! 💚😘💞 P.S.: sorry so long...

Much love your way. I would write more but it is too early in the morning and I haven't had much coffee. I had been wondering about you but was afraid you were just super busy and didn't want to add to that. I'm happy to see you coming back, even if it is slowly and gently. We all deserve some gentleness from time to time.

Much love your way. I would write more but it is too early in the morning and I haven't had much coffee. I had been wondering about you but was afraid you were just super busy and didn't want to add to that. I'm happy to see you coming back, even if it is slowly and gently. We all deserve some gentleness from time to time.

hey! cigarretes are the worst way, im smoking since 14... also you're a singer, no? like me, stop smoking (that goes for you and for me) you can! (that too!)