On Healing

My thoughts tonight were a lot on trauma and healing. After many blows to my life, I sank into a dark depression a few years back. I felt that I had lost my place in this world.  I had a house but my sense of home was gone. I had fantasies of riding my bicycle into traffic, but knew my kids needed me more than I needed death, quite honestly.  Every day of life was the most extreme effort of will I have ever had to muster up.  Life as I knew it was over and my future was uncertain. I screamed silently in my head and the days were a fog.  I couldn't see a way to mend. I felt I had died and some cruel joke left me stuck inside this hell in my head. 

I shared with people closest to me what was going on and how I was feeling. This left me feeling worse most times. The thing with depression is that while in the throws of it, its scary. I desperately needed for someone to come sit down in the hole with me for a while. I needed to feel protected and supported. Everyone told me to just reach out, but in the middle of my hole I was sitting in, it was all I could do to keep the dirt from sliding in and burying me. I was incable of reaching out. I'd leave calls unanswered and texts I read would quickly slip from my mind. Well meaning people would tell others with emotion I perceived as shaming me, that "that's just Julie. She horrible at responding".  In my worst moments I think I scared people. They didn't want to see me hurting and sitting in this hole, so they would try to pull me up out of the pit by trying to heal my thoughts and feelings with silver linings and fair and rational assesments of the situation. It was like having your near lifeless body pulled out of the hole by your arms and dropped back in when they didn't know what else to do. I know the people trying to help loved me, but they wanted me ok ASAP. They wanted to push me past the discomfort. The discomfort and the pain they saw in me was hard to watch. It was harder even for me to experience! I think it made them even a bit fearful for me. When fear sneaks in, people don't always realize they are acting as much to make themselves ok as they are to make you ok. And sometimes, it's not time to be ok. And not being ok is.....ok. 

We are so quick to quiet uncomfortable feelings. Our feelings and other peoples. But what if the feelings are part of growth?  Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying to unpack your bags and live there in your hole. I'm saying, what if we sat in the hole, paid attention to what we feel, and stay safe while we make our escape out of hell plan? What if the people around us just sat in the hole with us and kept us from feeling so alone And let us direct our care, as long as mistakes in our czre plan  weren't life threating?  Coming out of the hole while still in extreme pain is like setting a wounded animal loose on the community. They are going to go find a spot to hunker down and try to heal or they are going to feel as if any attempt to put them "where they are supposed to be" as a threat to them while they are vulnerable. Instead, it would have felt amazing to have someone sit in my hole with me until I was ready to come out. Stand watch for me while I tried to maneuver this slowly healing mind back out into the wild world. Let me get my own footing and just let me know "your not alone".  I was lucky to have two friends who were able to do that for me and I am forever grateful. Allowing my uncomfortable feelings didn't crush me. I know that  now. I was unsure back then. 

Today I am well on the way to healing. It's not linear. There are the preverbial ups and downs. And I know those people that tried to help wanted the best for me, but are on their own journey as well and doing what they know. My only hope is that by sharing my thoughts and my experience, someone feels less lonely, or a loved one might better understand the darkness before shinning a light into a loved ones eyes, and everyone heals. 

Peace,

Julie

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace" ~ Jimi Hendrix