It's maybe with my apperance or with my demeanour that people think they can do anything to me and I wouldn't mind. I have a great smile and welcoming presence overall, and really have a positive outlook and presence.
I try hard to be this way, to be jolly, even. To be uplifting at times.
This personality of mine has been under scrutiny of one of the people that I am stuck with. That someone told me that I should not be very optimistic and all of that, instead, I shouldn't be as relaxed and feel the pressure of 'life'.
One of our mentors told me that I looked least the worried. I smiled and put a big warm fluffy chuckle. That's what I do, I chuckle. Another mentor made jokes about me and usually targets me for fun, because I assume they all think everything's okay with me.
My line manager has been rough with me the past few weeks. I assume he thought everything is okay, that I am relaxed, that it's okay for him to pressure me to accomplish the tasks that I can otherwise do later. "Hey, man. I really have a lot of things on my plate right now. Top that with another impending depression." I went out of the office and almost cried while walking home.
I'm on the brink of breaking down.
If they only knew what I am struggling with. The face that I have on is a mask. How long can I keep this mask on? I don't know. Should I be as transparent with my real emotions to my facade?
All I need is a hug, tell me everything will be all right.