When Anger is a good thing...
I spent a lot of years trying to calm down to learn to control my anger. It didn’t work. I had a crazy temper when I was young and it lasted well into my twenties. I scared my ex girlfriend quite a bit when I punched a hole in the wall (and really messed up my hand). I would do all kinds of stupid stuff, usually damaging my own property, though I never (physically) hurt anyone (besides myself).
Over time, I realized that anger is a function of the ego. It is how the ego reacts when it feels a lack of control. If something fails to go our way, the ego lashes out. In some cases, this is an internal process of lashing out against the self, a kind of self torture. For some it’s both.
I managed to get rid of my anger issues through learning to detach from my ego. I learned to look at things from outside of my perspective and see the neutrality and the beauty of all that I would usually call good and bad. As I learned to do this, the anger began to dissipate.
Today, my roommate, who I found online and who barely speaks to me, despite my earlier efforts to be friends, once again used up all the hot water. He does it every day. This is very hard to do, you need to shower for literally an hour in order to use up all that hot water. I have no idea what he and his girlfriend are doing in there....I can guess, but even that....it doesn’t require an hour worth of hot water. This thing is a pain in the ass, too. It takes an hour and half to heat up again.
The first 2 or 3 times I let it go. The next few times I mulled over it, thinking about how to approach him. If you haven’t noticed, I really dislike conflict, even small conflict. A part of it has to do with how insane my temper was before, I’m afraid to let that monster take hold of me like it used to. He might say sorry, he might back off, or he might step up the disrespect another notch because some people are messed up like that. They take any small suggestion or request as an attack and decide to counterattack, sometimes overtly and sometimes passive aggressively. I really cannot be bothered with this.
With other issues, like cleaning the kitchen and being too loud (I’m really not a neat freak or sensitive to sound, this guy is just totally unaware or uninterested in how he affects others) he and his girlfriend just kind of “yeah, yeah, yeah” you like a student might with a teacher they don’t want to deal with. Then they continue to do as they please. I’ll let the other stuff slide, but I am not dealing with this shower thing anymore.
So today he was in the kitchen, right next to the shower when I noticed there was no hot water left. I said with fire in my voice but a calm composure “Do you realize it takes a fucking hour and a half for the water to heat up again? What the fuck are you doing in there for so long?”
He stared at me clueless because he’s socially inept, and I walked away. Will he listen? I don’t know.
I sure felt a lot better though.
Anger can prod us along to make a move when we are feeling a bit to timid or scared to do so on our own. It’s really just pent up movement that wants to get out. If we can channel it into productive actions and decisions , it serves a very important purpose. It can force others to acknowledge us, to stop taking advantage of us, and to respect us when they have failed to do so. It can sometimes get us out of ugly situations. It’s a last resort response to avoid a blockage of emotion.
Ideally, we won’t have to get angry though. If we always listen to our inner voice, we can find a way out much easier, but sometimes that anger can give us the kick we need when we are being too hesitant or resistant.
If I were you, I would get up in every morning for 'bout a week, just before he wakes up, and take a veeerrryyyy loooooong shower :) If you get bored in there, take a book, read a little in your hot sauna :) If he don't say anything, his girlfriend definitely will :-D I know it's sneaky, but it's a good idea to play his game, so he can understand the message.
We all shower at night...it helps me sleep better.
I’ve thought about playing it his way.
His girlfriend did it again today, so I’m gonna try.
Yep.. :) Words can't always work as they're supposed to, even when said the right way. Let me know if this doesn't work, I have a few more tricks up my sleeve that can be effective. I've been living with some pretty messy, cold-bloded roomies and flatmates, and learned how to "treat" them back, without shouting or getting angry at them (tried that too, didn't work - as you said).
In situations like that showing how you truly feel is the best way in order for the other person to understand you.
I have read stories about horrible roommates that sound crazy, but I have not much experience in that subject.
Let us know is this guy keeps messing and if he does that, just end it. It will be healthier.
Yeah, it’s almost always best to be open about how you feel. The problem is that so many people lack empathy so sometimes your honesty is taken as an attack...I experienced that too much in my youth sonow I have this defense mechanism of trying to avoid these situations at all costs. We will see.
Thanks for sharing #deepshit haha. You are on the right track with ego and our predisposition to act on it.
I too have seen my reactionary self get the better of me. I think with all things, with practice and self-discipline, they get better with time. Practicing mindfulness has helped me a lot. Just being aware of your own environment(s) and emotion(s) can have powerful effects.
Our emotions manifest into thoughts, and our thoughts manifest into actions. How we act is derived from the ego. I try to not suppress or bottle my anger up, instead I am just aware of it. Simply being aware helps.
Anyway, best of luck and I hope your roommate figures it out..
Yes, there’s so much truth in your answer. It’s not about removing emotions, but about being aware of them anencephaly letting them flow in and out without getting stuck in our expectations of how we should behave or how things should be.
I agree that it is important to express anger rather than let it fester. It's great that you spoke calmly.
When conflict occurs, I make a point to take some time to "sit" on it and contemplate how I want to respond to the situation. If I need to respond immediately, I do my best to use the 5-second rule - count backwards from 5 to 1 to reset the thinking.
In any case, I do my best to not use trigger words like "f*cking" as I want them to respond to the situation rather than the words I use.
Nonviolent communication has some really awesome processes for dealing with conflict. Radical Forgiveness can also be helpful in extreme situations.
I understand everything you say and have nothing to disagree with...all I can say is, radical forgiveness is a concept that can be easily misinterpreted...as I let someone walk all over me trying to practice what I thought was radical forgiveness at the time... it’s more about how you feel inside, drawing boundaries is important when choosing to radically forgive someone.
Lovely story. Thanks for sharing! I have never had anger issues myself but I totally feel you. I'm usually extremely kind to people and tend to avoid conflicts myself, but sometimes people need to become aware of the consequences of their actions, otherwise they will never learn and keep acting the way they do.
I think you did the right thing and hope it has the planned effect. Keep us updated, my friend!
I started as angry as theycget and kind of castrated that part of me,making myself kind of easily pushed around in order to cut off that angry side of me. Now I just see anger and movement/ desire that has been pent up and not allowed to express itself **by the expresser, not by any outside circumstance. So if you don’t get angry easily, it probably just means the juices are flowing and you haven’t had to avoid conflict to the point though where it causes some kind of inner turmoil. Just keep doing what you are doing!
Being placid is a quality but not always a virtue.
The less of 2017 to take into 2018 is to be firm about what it is I am about but also Ben flexible to the situation. I usually sway back and forth between the two, I am just now learning balance.
Wow yeah better to let it out my friend 🤬
Maybe another solution will come from this, surely you can find a better roommate?
It’s not a huge deal, really. I take it as a challenge to learn how to express myself better. I just thought it was interesting cause I found myself really thankful for that anger as it caused me to do something i had wanted to do but felt afraid of, speaking out.
That’s great my friend! So no need for big changes then
I like using anger to do other things. The last two coupley pieces I made were actually done in...well...annoyance XD
If you two are going to be roomies then he is going to have to be considerate of other people whether he likes or not! Hopefully he's not one of those people who is constantly losing relationships/friends and ending up getting kicked out of sharehouses/being abandoned in sharehouses "for no reason" :) Hope something gets affected positively from that interaction XD
It’s always “for no reason” with some people. But yet itnalwys happens to them. I think he’ll be ok, I think he was likely just hit and yelled at by his parents or something like that so he’s kind of in his own world.... it should be fine.