My Past Does Not Have To Define My Future

in death •  5 months ago

For that to be true, I have my work cut out for me.

I'm sure folk have wondered why I haven't been blogging lately.

Have I been experiencing burnout?
Did the lower value of crypto affect my mood?
Have I been frustrated with rewards distribution?
Have I had some issues with the apparent priorities of Steemit Inc?

YES

All of that slowed me down, but that's not really why I stopped posting on Steem. There are a number of factors that have influenced me. The biggest factor is me.

I've always considered myself to be introspective and self-aware. I suppose, I was just fooling myself for far too long and was self-aware about the wrong things. I wasn't introspective enough, and didn't practice enough self discipline, or compassion for others. Its hard to trace back each failing, but was more of a systemic failure that allowed the worst in me to grow while the best in me was neglected.

@yusaymon - "The Buffoon"

My Life Caught Up With Me.

I've been given the opportunity to see myself more deeply and critically than I had previously taken the effort to. I have always been highly self-critical and feel true pain when I've fallen short of my own standards, and cause pain in the lives of those around me. Then again, over a decade of drug and alcohol abuse have surely affected my judgment. That's not an excuse. It's the truth.

I've lived a selfish life. I've been a megalomaniacal egomaniac, self-centered, judgmental, self-righteous. I never learned how to connect with people since I was young, and I felt discarded by society. My response, instead of looking into ways I could relate to the world around me better, was to reject it and its values to the greatest extent possible. I lived off of the gross excess of American culture. I lived off of the kindness of others, who were working hard to live within society the best way they could figure out.

Leading into the holidays I took a long a deep look inside of myself, I didn't like what I saw, and I tried to kill myself. I'm glad I was unsuccessful. Not because I have this burning ache to live. I don't really think I deserve to live.

Successfully ending my own life would have been a final selfish act to cap it all off.

My family is amazing. My parents are two of the most kind, respectable, accomplished, loving people that I know. I can't blame any of my failings on them. My sister and her family are also great. They all love me, and always have.

What I can do, is stop being so selfish, and give the people who love me some care and attention.

I quit drinking after my failed suicide attempt. This has made me much less productive. Strange to say, but true.

Alcohol was an easy way to manage my emotions, ignore my inner voice, and regulate my sleep cycles.

In my ideal fantasy world I started drinking when I woke up, and wouldn't get drunk until it was time to go to sleep, and wouldn't affect my life in a negative way.

Of course that didn't work.

Quitting drinking also let me hear that inner voice a lot louder. The short version of all of that is to say that a big reason I stopped producing content on steemit all of the time is because I feel like shit about myself. I got into a position where I feel like people here were looking up to me. I'm not an admirable person. I'm smart in certain ways, I got lucky when I started to get some attention, and had enough time to write more and get a lot more attention. But this is a social network, and I suck at the social side. I'm not very good about commenting on other peoples content. Why should I keep producing and hoping that the community will reward me if I don't really engage the way I've encouraged people to in so many guides.

Ok, so I feel like a terrible person, and undeserving and blah blah blah. I could probably rant on forever about all of the ways I don't like myself, and how I suck at life.

@yusaymon - "The Buffoon"

Looking ahead

Since I decided that ending my own life isn't an option I currently have two main functions.

  1. Re-wire years of unhealthy mental conditioning and become a decent human being who cares about more than himself, beginning with my family, who has always offered me love and support.

  2. Learn how to earn a living.

Due to volatile market conditions, I decided that going all in on steem probably wasn't the best idea for me in trying to earn a living. Over the past couple months I've been exploring other opportunities to earn online.

I've done a bit of click working, I'm working to sell my research services, and I'm doing a bit of freelance writing.

Its humbling, and an eye-opening experience to start from scratch at learning how to learn a living. I ate out of trash cans, lived off of the generosity of others, and participated in some communal settings for 10 years. Where I'm at right now its hard to see the beauty in that experience, because I'm all too aware of the shitty person I was becoming over time. Beyond that, my most recent work experience was 8 months of writing on steemit full time.

Steem has been a great investment of my time. I got a bunch of practice in writing research articles. I learned a bunch about what's happening in the online world these days, and up close exposure to these exciting developments in cryptocurrency, and I have a nice little chunk of SP in my account, and a few other small positions in the crypto marketplace, and opened me up to a few gigs.

Who knows, in a couple years I could be a multi-thousandaire, have gotten a handle on myself, and have my own place? :)

My goals are a lot simpler than they were when I was consuming those couple thousand hits of LSD, plus all the MDMA, and whatever I found laying on the ground.

I've fallen in love with learning and developing my mind. It feels satisfying to get paid to help people with writing \ research \ and editing. With some practice, experience, and a portfolio, I'll be earning 5 bucks an hour in no time :) which is my short\medium term goal.

After I get comfortable with the freelance stuff, I expect I'll be writing here on steem again. I do actually have a couple articles floating around in my head that I'd like to publish here sooner than later.... we'll see how long it takes for them to materialize. In the meantime, I'm still around.. keeping a quiet eye on things and scrolling through my feed, as able.

Thanks for reading, and Steem On.

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I consider you to be my friend and someone whom I respect because we share a lot of similarities. Sometimes when i read something like this that you wrote, i feel like i am reading my own diary. I think you will make it through this hard part of your life, and maybe begin to see the people who like and respect you. Your friends are waiting patiently.
I have some of these same things like pushing people away.......
I think you're a very talented writer, and you can make this superpower of yours even bigger.....there are few writers who are as good as you

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Its interesting how connections form here. I could have never guessed we have so much in common when I first started reading your blog. <3 Thank you, Stella.

@inquiringtimes, thanks for sharing the reality of what's going on for you. I've only known you for a short time here but have really connected with your content and you know how that is - your content has made me feel akin to you. In any case, I'm so sorry it's been a rough time and addiction is such a beast to get out from under. @inquiringtimes

Hang in there man, life is hard but substance abuse makes it far harder, as you know. I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time, but it's really good to hear you are looking up instead of down.

Keep moving.

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I'll keep truckin' that's all I can do.

I am crying asshole! ♥

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My god man, glad you are still with us. I quit drinking 4 years ago, it had been a downward spiral for some time. It's helped me get back into my productive mental journeys. Also, I think a lot of people that enjoy online communication aren't really "social" in reality, because conservation can be so annoying and pointless at times, whereas you can always pick and choose and control your focus online. Anways, keep working on yourself and i'll keep working on myself, it's a life-long process. Peace

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meanwhile, you're a total social butterfly on steemit. I see your comments everywhere :) doin it right!

Thanks for the kind words. I'm around, exploring some ideas in my head about what I'd like to write. I've been doing tooons of research on bitcoin and the cryptosphere historically, academically, thematically through the years, and actually understand some of how mining works now! :) I might write about that sometime since I already have a bunch of prep done.

I was also thinking about neuroplasticity... that would be a good topic for me to reserach and write about :)

as far as the other stuff.... well, I spend a majority of my time deep in work and research, which is a healthy way to re-train my brain, I think. Socially... uh... I've been in a "curl up into a ball" faze throughout the winter... now that the weather is nice, I'm starting to stretch and realize I can't just be a hermit forever... as much as that sounds appealing at times.

Peace

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very cool,, yes and I don't even comment near as much as I used to. (-: gl with all the projects, should be an exciting year !!

Dan, it’s a precious act been aware and elaborate the past, doing it in this way is also a social act that maybe can help others thinking as well about their inner lives. From the moment I had the fortune to meeting you I felt comfortably speaking with you and understanding a different approach to the community. Also your attraction to learning is vibrant and contagious. Thanks for sharing and being present! Ciao!

Hi @inquiringtimes, thanks for sharing the reality of what's going on for you. I've only known you for a short time here but have really connected with your content and you know how that is - your content has made me feel akin to you. In any case, I'm so sorry it's been a rough time and addiction is such a beast to get out from under. Good for you for having the courage to take steps and embrace the kind support around you!

You'll have many rooting for you here on this platform- me included- and I wish you well in your emergence. I'd also like to offer the idea of using your friends here, and this forum to help support your process of growth rather than leaving it behind. Post as you can and as it's useful for you. It may not be a full living, but it helps and the potential for relationships and true connection does exist here. I now have several steemians in the flesh in my life and I like them just as much walking around as I did digitally. In some ways the kinds of connections we have here cuts through crap that stops us face to face, so we can connect more heart to heart rather than mask to mask. Anyway, just a thought. Be well and I look forward to more news from you.

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Thank you. Yes, I still try to maintain some of the connections. Truth be told, I throw myself so strongly into everything that I do, that I simply don't have the time to throw myself into freelance, and keeping up a blog here. I will still be posting as available... in the future I may even re-emerge as a regular if I get more efficient at writing, or I've developed some other resources better.

Steem isn't going away. I feel good about the progress I made here so far, and I've still got plenty of sp so I'm not going to run out of bandwidth when I'm ready to hit the blog again.

Your past doesn't have to define your future @inquiringtimes. That is so true. And, your past may not be as bad as you think it was. It's all a question of perspective. When you feel shit it will look worse. When you feel better it won't look as bad.

I truly believe that you did the best you could with what you knew/thought at the time and will continue to do so.

Try and live one day at a time. Try and draw comfort from having a family that loves you without that having to mean that you need to do something different.

They obviously see something lovable in you and, while you may not be able to see that yourself, just trusting their judgement can bring it's own comfort.

I wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do now. 💙

My son tried to end his life more than once and is now in rehab...again. You know that there are people who love you and care for you and would do anything in their power to make you better. But you also know that you are the only one who can do that.

I've been wondering where you have been and right now, I wish you'd been away for any other reason but this. As my friend said to me today, "life sucks, surrounded by moments of pure joy". I can't begin to understand what you are going through, but I can understand what those around you are going through, and I hope and wish for peace and healing for all of you.

Once you heal, you can forgive yourself and move forward. I'm sending love and hugs and positive vibes for that to happen, but I guess we both know it's a hell of a mountain you need to climb now. xo

Hey @inquiringtimes, addiction of work is better than any other addiction of substance. You have to take some time off from work as well, whenever, there is a mind-block or you are physically tired. It's remarkable that you get decided to get back up and make things right for yourself. I think that is not selfish at all. :-) Make yourself happy and win the world. Cheers :-) And Steem on.

P.S. - Scanning your own feed and upvoting great content is more than enough. :-D Hope to see more such great articles from your side!

I've lived a selfish life. I've been a megalomaniacal egomaniac, self-centered, judgmental, self-righteous. I never learned how to connect with people since I was young, and I felt discarded by society.

You and i know that this is not true. You are really awesome. You showed some love when i was just starting and helped me a lot exploring and understanding the ethics of this community.

You are awesome. I feel your pain and that affects me to some extend. I mean i felt a little bit sad after going through this article and i would really hope you could get over all this in no time.

Stay blessed.
Stay awesome

I'm glad you're back @inquiringtimes, I really enjoy reading your research.

About what you wrote, the truth is that you are very hard on yourself, but I see that you are clear on what you were and what you want to become, the truth is that Steemit is the best way to start socializing and becoming that sociable person that you were not or what scared you to be.

Anyway, here we are your followers to support you and keep reading you and personally if you need me, you know how to find me ;)

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Thanks, dear. <3

Great to hear from you, you have had quite a time if it lately. I wish you well in your new work and I hope it all comes together.

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Thanks, friend.

@inquiringtimes, I've read a book about motivation, for me the new experience becomes a lesson in the future, all we set today, the spirit of friends

I feel like you're a very brave person to write this:

It is a humble and revealing experience to start from scratch to learn to learn to live. I ate out of the garbage cans, lived on the generosity of others and participated in some community settings for 10 years. Where I am now is difficult to see the beauty in that experience, because I am very aware of the shitty person I was becoming over time.

Not all of us have the will to stop and look at life in retrospect, by doing so, I think they take a big step for their emotional development, allowing them to see what you were, they can objectively define what you don't want to be or very probably what you want to be, then read this:

I fell in love with learning and developing my mind. It feels satisfying to have them paid to help people write research and edit. With some practice, experience and a portfolio, I will earn 5 dollars an hour in a short time :) which is my short/medium term goal.

It makes me think that you are a being of light that has a lot to do and that by taking charge of his life, will fill his spirit with the energy to renew his being, I hope to continue reading more about you, I congratulate you and respect, happy night.

Steem on! We all had been through rough times and the best part of it is that you have learned much about yourself. You become self-aware. You are a good person and a good writer as well. I hope to hear a lot of you from now on.

Your future will be good.

Amazing!

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Great work i like this post

i hope every thing works out chin up i'm sure it will... i'm glad you are still with us today.

hello ... I am waiting for your latest post, I want to see your new work ... because I am inspired by you @inquiringtime ...

regret is not something we have to revive, but regret that we should make it as an experience ..

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thank you. you'll just have to wait a bit longer. I came up with a great idea for a blog today, but it's a deep research project... Also I have a few orders to take care of between here and there.

Great work..i like the post..keep up it

This is something the reality of life is very touching, I have experienced the hardest thing like you but thanks to the best friend who realize that this action is not right. Finally I can get through this life challenge. And now I realize that running the wheel of a better life with mutual respect and respect for others. And your story is very touching my heart. I think you write a very interesting story to be motivated to rise from failure. Success is always friends .. Have a nice day.

long time no posting @inquiringtimes
how are you?

What a wonderful piece youhave here!

very well blog, know something new thanks you...

Well, I don't know you personally, but as a fellow human I am glad you are still among us. Looking forward to your new articles.

Hoping you are well.