The house is too quiet now

I've been away from my blog for awhile now. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions, ending in our saying good-byes to the one thing that could always bring us joy.

Our sweet baby, Moxie, has left us and we are beside ourselves with grief. She was the shining light of our lives and we are left feeling empty.

Over the past 10 days she has been home for 2 of them, and both times we had her for 12-24 hours but ended up back in hospital to put her on oxygen.

We did all we could. We had every test done, tried every combination of meds...she just could not get enough oxygen on her own.

We finally thought we had it right, this last time we brought her home.
She had a big bag of meds, for her anxiety, her ear infections, her corneal ulcer, the nausea, and appetite stimulants. All our bases were covered. We even got another portable A/C unit to make sure the heat wasn't causing any extra strain on her breathing.

Her eyes were the brightest we've seen them in over a week.

But to me, she still seemed to not really know who we were...the sedatives helped keep her calm, but she wasn't the same.
Once we were home, though, she wandered around a bit and finally gave us a tail wag. Ate all of her dinner and evening meds and we were over the moon. We had her back! Our old girl pulled through.

But just hours later, Hubby woke me up to help with her late night eye med application. And we were concerned with her restlessness. We decided to give her the sedative, though we really wanted to use them sparingly, as we didn't want her to live her life out all drugged up and non-responsive.
She slept for a bit, but by my wake up time at 3:30, she didn't want to eat. So she got her morning appetite stimulant and took a few bites of her food. She was back to acting restless, but she had some swelling in her leg from all the poking and prodding she endured, so we chalked it up to that.
Before I could even drive the 10 miles I go to work, Hubby called that she was gasping for air again and he was headed back to hospital.

Our poor sweet baby just couldn't regulate her breathing. We spend nearly 8 hours waiting to see the doctor as it is an emergency vet and things just keep happening. Ultimately we decided to leave her for the day, on oxygen again, while they tested the pain theory and tried to find a better combination of daily meds.

We went back around 4 that evening to speak with the vet, to see how she did. Again, it was hours before we could see her, but it was better than sitting at home waiting for her to call us. Around 6 pm, we were told that she wasn't really responding to the pain meds, in a way that led them to believe that pain was an issue.

The tough choice had to be made but she was suffering. She was not able to breath on her own for more than 12 hours at a time, without supplemental oxygen support. Over the course of 10 days, she was able to be home for about 2...each time ending in the heart-breaking scene of her gasping for air.

Up to the last minute, she was the most precious thing I will ever have in my life.

Today we are broken, but our baby is not suffering.