DEAR LITTLESCRIBE: EX Girlfriend wants my trash. Wife is Jealous. What to do?
Post your question in the comment section below. Dating advice? Unruly neighbor? Difficult co-worker? Give me your best shot. I will respond to one of you in a new post the next day.
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DEAR LITTLESCRIBE:
As you probably know, I'm married. Including our dating years, my wife and I have been together for over 15 years. Prior to her, I dated a girl for about 2.5 years - which was in my younger days (late teens, early 20s). We broke up, tried to stay friends, but we were going two different directions in our lives (mine was spiraling down, she was trending upward). We wanted to remain friends and tried to stay in touch with each other.
After I started dating my current wife, and after my previous girlfriend and I had fallen out of touch for a couple of years, we started talking again. This was not good in my new girlfriend's eyes. She was pissed - as in, willing to break up angry. So, I explained to the ex-GF that we wouldn't be able to talk or make plans, etc. At the time, I was working about 70 hours/week, so there wasn't much time for hanging out with other people anyway.
Fast-forward a few years and my GF and I were planning our wedding. I received a message from the ex-GF asking how I was doing. My soon-to-be wife saw the message and saw that I cordially responded to the question. She was angry again. She didn't speak to me for three full days. (I was working a holiday weekend of 14-hour shifts, so, in fairness, there really weren't many opportunities to talk.) I was actually worried that this would affect our wedding plans. But, we moved past it - even though I felt that the whole situation was absurd.
Well, I had not spoken to this ex-GF since around that time when I told her that it's just too sensitive for some reason, and that it would probably be best if we just didn't contact each other. Neither of us wanted that because we really do get along great and I still consider her a good friend, despite the lack of recent contact. Then, yesterday, I received a message from her...
She said that she had a bad dream about me and just wanted to see if I was alright. I thought about it for a couple of hours and decided to send her a brief message telling her that I appreciate her concern, that I was fine, and that my situation was essentially unchanged since the last time we had talked. She said that she understands and that she respects my choices and that she was not interested in disrupting what I have.
But then she said that it wasn't just one dream, but that she has lately been having dreams, plural, and she said that she had thought about me. She ended the message by stating that there were no devious plans on her end and that she would understand if she didn't hear back from me.
Then she sent another message with her new phone number.
Then she sent another message about her family and that she didn't have any kids of her own.
Then she sent another message saying that it would be great to get together for lunch or dinner sometime and that she didn't know why I was being restricted by my wife.
Then she sent another message saying that she thinks about me a lot and questioned whether or not we should have stayed together.
Then she sent another message saying that it would be great to hear my voice again.
WHAT DO I DO? I know it seems like she might be interested in getting back together, but I honestly don't believe she wants that. I don't want that either. I'm happy where I am, but I do value her friendship, despite the many years without contact. She really is a good person and a good friend, which is what brought us together in the first place. Then there's the issue with my wife. How can I get her to understand that she doesn't have to worry about me? I've never given her a reason to not trust me, but it seems as though she thinks something might happen if we were to remain friends. It's such a touchy subject that I have completely given up mentioning it and have forgone a friendship that I valued. What's your sage advice, @littlescribe?
DEAR NAÏVE:
EX GF wants your trash. Bad.
Your wife’s jealousy may be warranted. She probably sees something you don't.
Of course your wife knows you don’t plan on cheating on her. Of course she knows you love her. That’s not what she’s upset about. She’s upset that you may have fond feelings for someone that is not her, and this makes her feel a little insecure and perhaps inadequate. And justifiably so.
Most couples--married or not--have at least one former relationship they will always treasure. And this is a GOOD thing. If all our past relationships were rotten, that would be unhealthy and unattractive.
But the problem is, THIS particular former interest is someone you were VERY close to for a long time, who you deeply loved in lots of exciting ways. She is probably attractive (judging by the level of jealousy from your wife). She is also making herself available to you, and to top it off, she wants YOU. And probably always has. And your wife knows this.
Is it OK to keep in touch with former love interests? Sure! But there are rules. And this one is breaking them right and left. She has me nervous. You are correct to tread lightly. But you need to tread lightly for the right reasons--not JUST because your wife demands it.
Here’s the thing. People who are feeling good about themselves and where they are in life are not apt to disrupt what other people have. I am sure your EX is a great person. But she’s pushing it. Chances are, some kind of upset has cropped up in her life, she’s feeling vulnerable and lonely, and she’s going to a place that resembles comfort for her: YOU.
She has probably also noticed you have become more the person she wanted when you were together, and she’d love to cash in on that. And her feelings are totally natural. And nobody blames her for having them. But it will need to be reined in.
Texting is pretty intimate. I’d suggest not doing it at all. Even though you are friends. Even though she is a good person. Even though you have a lot of good memories together. Even though you mean no harm. It’s going to drive a wedge pretty quick if it hasn’t already. Frankly, I would recommend this even if your wife was not jealous.
EX GF’s have a huge potential for turning into “something” whether the current trajectory depicts it or not, and despite even the happiest of relationships. And with electronic communication and social media as it is today, developing (or re-developing) feelings for someone is surprisingly easy to do. Most people who end up cheating are really loving husbands and wives who get stuck in the thick of things, are blind-sided, and didn’t see it coming until it was too late. The calculated, deliberate, deceitful cheat is actually not as common.
Again, NOT saying you would ever be that dumb. But your wife needs reassurance. She doesn’t think you’re going to cheat on her. She just doesn’t want you having wandering feelings, and those are almost inevitable with former lovers.
Take flattery in the fact that someone really special misses you and is attracted to you. That’s always a bonus. And there is nothing wrong with missing her too sometimes.
BUT I WOULD RECOMMEND THE FOLLOWING:
1) Give EX GF the boot. Christmas cards with family pictures are great. Make sure you and your wife are kissing in them and doing things that make you appear happy and impenetrable. People who care about you will be happy to see this. GF included.
2) Give your wife reassurance: There are a couple of things she wants from you that will help her feel a reassurance of your love and devotion. You probably know what they are. If you don’t know, then find out, and do them. And not just once, but on a fairly regular basis if possible.
3) Be sure not to buy into phrases like “wife is restricting” and “limiting” and “jealous for some inexplicable reason.” Unless of course by "restrictive" your EX GF means your wife is "loyal," "faithful," "devoted," and "true," in which case, she would be correct, and that would be the definition of marriage.
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Husband's shouldn't be texting ex girlfriends behind the wife's back. I agree with your advice @littlescribe, but so I can follow along, where was the original question?
Oops! Fixing that right now. :0)
Great advice, @littlescribe . Whoever this guy is, he's a real buffoon. Somebody needs to set him and his ex-girlfriend straight.
DAMN STRAIGHT! ;)
To be fair to this buffoon - he didn't actually text the ex-gf. She had just sent him her number. It seems as though he was contacted through FB Messenger, perhaps? So should he just not respond? Or even bring it up to his wife, who might just literally kill him?
Yes. It is clear he did not text her except in brief response, and only after much consideration of his life that would soon hang in the balance.
My HUSBAND'S ADVICE IS THIS: "Just cut her off dude. Don't respond." As far as letting his wife know, I'd say it's 6 one way, half a dozen the other. If he lets her know, it'll cause her anxiety and anger, even though he's innocent of any wrongdoing.
If he doesn't let his wife know, and she finds out later, she may hoist him into the guillotine.
I'd probably tell my husband. He says he'd save me the grief and not say anything unless things escalated somehow from the other party. Then he'd need to fill me in. But I kind of think the situation is already at that point. I think he should tell his wife, but give her a really good preface, and lots of reassurance, and most importantly, tell her, "Honey, you were right." That will do wonders. And she'll not flip out. Guaranteed.
But if for some reason she still does, the husband does have us as witnesses that he's making an effort to do the right thing and preserve her feelings.
p.s. I noticed you resteemed me. You're a peach.
READERS, LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY BURNING QUESTIONS! I'LL RESPOND TO THEM IN MY NEXT POST!
Great one !
Perfect suggestion @ littlescribe !