Reflective Mode @35

Pixabay.

Thirty-five is smiling at me. Eyeing my maturing soul seductively as three and a half decades resounds in my aging ears. I am old. Or rather I feel old. That may be somehow attributed to some tiny fraction of my soul that keeps asking how I am still alive after all I have been through in those thirty-five years.

It's heavy to even think about it. Overwhelming. Sometimes tears blind my eyes and the pain cripples my every joint. Sometimes it's memories of forgotten scars. Other times it's the snippets of most memorable moments blended with my loud infectious laughter.

Thirty-five is demanding things from me. Things I deemed impossible targets in the recent past. Targets formerly spread across some distant horizon but somehow determination had them close enough for me to aim. It's magnifying dreams and goals for the once doubting Thomas to be a believer in self.

Life changes. People do too. Somehow I did. That I can entertain a positive thought for more than an hour. This is after thirty years of wading in toxic negativity and bitterness. Of being simply sad about so much I can't still share. About bitterly questioning my existence. I can tell you for free... Self-love is something to behold.

Thirty-five is draining the fucks I got left to give. Pestering me to live my life as much as I can. Scolding me secretly for giving a damn about what most people might think of me. Demanding that I give only what I can afford to... Or as the unapologetic Lisa Nichols puts it... to love from my saucer not cup.

This is me refusing to be blackmailed to care and worry about those who can't afford to do the same for me. It's me freeing myself of parasitic relationships that leave one feeling drained of their own energy to operate. It's me being a little selfish with my time and who I spend it with.

Thirty-five is calling me home. A land of sealed lips as age teaches me it's better to play mute at times. Where I am finding out that if a conversation is dismantling my spirit in any way then it doesn't have to continue. That I can say NO to anything I feel will do more harm.

♡♡♡

Thank you for coming.

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