I am in desperate need of a safe space, especially as of late. On one hand, I am lonely... yet on the other hand, I have the desire to connect, in honesty and with intentions set aside. I am so fucking tired of stepping ever so slightly out of place and falling on my face. Social media is a fucked up place, and it is only getting worse.

What Happened to Honest Intentions on the Internet?

I take some blame, even if it is a very small part. However, I will admit that I am one of the many that have an essentially dead account. First, my world changed... and then the world around me changed... and now I sit here and I don't even know where to start. I do know that I keep saying that I am going to, but then I don't. In fact, I came on here this morning and I saw that I had a saved post that I never actually pressed save to... I can't blame the world or my own poor decisions for where I am at. I can't rely on a lot of the people in my life to understand. I don't dare risk being 100% honest anywhere, for reasons I will kind of go over... I have this desperate urge to be seen and to be held accountable.

What About Honesty With Ourselves?

Sometimes, being held accountable to yourself is the hardest thing. There comes a point in life where there is no other choice though. Some people learn this very early, too early, that people cannot be trusted. Other people witness this, know this, and continue to have hope anyway. Then, there are the others that learn it far too late. They build their lives around others, their family, their workpeople, or friends. These people can be born into a structure or choose, instead, to create their own bond beyond the blood of the womb. In any and all cases, people provide a slippery foothold for trust. In one way or another, we all learn this at some point in time. I thought I understood a lot of this, how trust worked, what the point of goals was, and, well, had a decent idea of how the world worked.

Finding Truth Through Perceptions

I don't know what my problem is, but I always seem to have to learn things the hard way! It used to feel like a flaw, but now I almost take pride in it. My mother told me that when I was a kid, like all the time. Her brow would furrow and she'd look at me real stern like before spouting off, "Sometimes, I swear... you're the dumbest smart person I know. I mean, I am not trying to insult you, I am not... I just... I don't get you!"

She did though, and how much she did, I took for granted. Granted, my stubbornness and desire to be right, like all the time, did not win me any brownie points with her. It took her a while to figure out how to talk to me, then even longer on how to direct me and teach me. I will give her credit, she did that, to the absolute best of her ability. I have been really wanting to type out a few of these stories, but that is for another time.

Back to my... roundabout way of doing things... It would frustrate her to no end, and sometimes it would make her visibly mad. My lack of common sense seemed to do more than making her shake her head. That being said, she was a constant in my life, and she was one of those people for me. She was one of those people that had it's own special voice in my head, warning me at times, encouraging me at others. Whether it was over the phone or in person, I knew that I could trust her judgment. More importantly, I learned at an early age that lying to her was dumb. She wasn't a mind reader, and there were plenty of times that I totally got away with lying to my mother.... but the guilt. The older I got, the worse it got. By the time I was 20, it was just something that I worked on not doing anymore.

When you're a kid, you know how sometimes you can lie to people... sort of as second nature? Maybe you want to impress someone with a tall tale, or you aren't sure of how to respond... so you tell a person what they want to hear. In the case of my mom, I was scared of getting in trouble. Of course, if I ever was caught lying, I would be in more trouble... but people are little meat sacks, wrapped around a carnivorously hungry ego. Or, I was at least. It took me a long time to realize that lying was dumb.

RIP MAMA

I think about her every day. My mother, not being here, is this gaping hole. Doing all that I am right now, without her support, love, and guidance... it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I have days where I don't think I can keep going. Today, thankfully, is not one of those days. Today is a different kind of day.

Developing Thoughts on Truth and Trust

Today, if I could, I would get my adulting done and then make time for a long lunch and I would call my mom. It often made her sad to hear that I was depressed, so rather than lie to her, I would make a point to tell her the good things going on. I would tell her accomplishments that my kids had made, I would discuss loose plans for the future, I would make a point to tell her about my hobbies, and I would create this happy existence, and share it with her. Granted, when times were tough, I would tell her the truth. She was the first person I called when I found out my husband of 15 years had suddenly left the boys and me, instead choosing to move in with another woman. She was the last person I called when I met Brian, because I was so scared he was the one for me... but the timing was off. She was a force to be reckoned with and I never realized how draining it must have been, keeping me up all those years. I never realized how hard parenting was until I lost my mother. That is a dark alley, I don't need to go down right now...

Private Thoughts - Semi-Public Forum

It occurred to me yesterday, I am on a precipice. I really need to figure out functioning. I need to be writing. I need the shit, even if it is boring or dumb or whatever... I need it out in the open. Why doesn't it work, writing privately for me? I wonder if anyone else is like this too? Is there anyone out there that finds writing in a journal or private diary, almost silly? With no feedback, there is no real purpose for me, in writing. I am not seeing a story of my life... trust me... I am not that interesting. Rather, I am seeking to understand. I am feeling disconnected, and I don't know... here seems safe enough.