A 36 year old man's sincere confession: After 10 years of marriage, I am getting tired of being a "good wife and mother"

one
My wife is very virtuous
But I regret marrying her back then
Seeing a post late at night, my heart was filled with confusion.
A man who has been married for 10 years shares his psychological changes online.
Let's call him A for now.
When A was in his twenties, he met his current wife and the two of them were very in sync in all aspects.
Knowing that he is lazy, his wife voluntarily goes to his dormitory every week to help him wash clothes and tidy up the house;
From the first day we met, my wife wrote him love letters every day, and then bound them into a book for him on his birthday;
Everyone said he was fortunate enough to marry such a virtuous wife.
A is also very happy to have a good woman who is meticulous in every aspect of her life, raising children, and spending her entire life with her.
It is indeed a fate that has been cultivated over several generations.
But after the child was born, A gradually realized:
I can't stand the way my wife takes care of children.
I bought hairy crabs in autumn, but it's not that I can't afford it. She just doesn't move her chopsticks and says, "It's better to buy something delicious for the child;
Imported Kiwifruit fruit, 9 pieces each, meat dug for the child, she gnawed the thick skin;
Even the skincare products A gave her were reluctant to use, as she insisted on putting them on the verge of expiration before picking up a little at a time.
A said more than once:
Don't leave any good things for children, as they are reluctant to eat or wear, which can easily spoil their selfishness
Wife is unhappy:
I can't even bear to eat hairy crabs. What good things do I usually keep for you? Is there a mistake
A can only remain silent.
What the wife said, she couldn't pick out any mistakes.
The true climax of the story lies behind.
When couples live together, it's not just one thing that disagrees.
This is nothing, who doesn't argue.
But every time two people have a conflict, the wife will reveal what she has done.
You said you want to drink lamb soup, so I went to the market early in the morning to buy fresh lamb. Other people's wives either practice yoga at the beauty salon every day, and I wander around you every day without enjoying any blessings
Look at what your gentlemen are wearing, look at what I'm wearing. It's been a while since I bought a decent outfit
A is also very helpless. Although her family has good conditions and no one is forcing her, she always makes herself look like an "ascetic monk".
There are countless such incidents.
After seeing his wife's efforts, A will only feel irritable, like "chips" weighing down on him.
Too heavy to breathe.
Unconsciously, there was also a subtle and slow change in mindset.
Sometimes there was a hint of regret for getting married, but he immediately forced himself to stop the idea.
I don't know how to get along with my wife, it's very contradictory and painful
To be honest, after reading this man's self statement, my feelings are very deep.
We are all giving.
I have put in a lot of effort for my own family and marriage.
Anyone who looks at it will doubt:
Are you also like this poor wife, who works hard and never fails to do well.
Aren't they all grateful?
Alternatively, like A:
I don't know what's wrong, but it's just very oppressive.
two
Give desperately
Sometimes it's also a form of selfishness
When two people are together, someone must give more for this family.
In most cases, women, as the main force in family life, naturally become the givers.
There used to be a woman living downstairs.
Her husband works far from home and always starts taking out food with colleagues at noon.
I believe this is normal cooking for most office workers.
But women can't bear it.
How about eating takeout? It's all Gutter oil, not healthy.
So she wakes up every morning at 5 or 6 o'clock to prepare meals for her husband, and does not accept his request to "keep things simple". She insists on having two meat dishes and one vegetarian meal every day.
Can you imagine that scene? Every morning when I go out, my husband always carries a big bag and several lunch boxes.
Everyone envies him.
But men suffer unbearably.
Because from then on, whenever a man rebelled against a woman's will, she began to chatter incessantly:
I have put in so much effort for you, getting up at six o'clock every day to cook for you. Why can't you treat me like I did to you
As soon as the man listened, the fire came up:
Why doesn't anyone hurt you anymore? I've already said that if you don't want to do it, you can skip it
But in fact, the next day after the woman complained, she still got up early to do the bento:
Take it, you must treat me well. Which wife can do this
From any perspective, this woman's starting point is always good.
But as time passed, her efforts began to change a bit:
I feel that after putting in so much effort, I have the capital to demand from the other party, such as "you should take care of me", "you should owe me", and "you should be kind to me".
I heard a daughter-in-law roast about her mother-in-law.
Her mother-in-law came from her hometown to help them with their children, and she was originally quite grateful.
Not long after, I heard my mother-in-law complaining to others all day:
I can't bear to eat, I can't bear to wear, I leave everything good to them, and no one is grateful to me yet
She is also very aggrieved:
I didn't give her anything to eat. Every time I asked her to eat, she insisted on picking up some leftovers. She would take the worst fruit and clothes, and I bought her so many that I would rather press the bottom of the box than wear them.
We have tried to persuade her many times, but there is no way she won't listen. She looks like she saved us everything, why bother? It's not that she can't afford it
To put it bluntly, this is a typical 'self moving' dedication:
Essentially, it is actually a self centered act of self-interest.
Obviously, no one forces them to do anything, but they have to do so much, even without considering the actual needs of the other party.
Just to fulfill my imagined act of dedication and then switch to some 'power'.
For example, the right to speak in a marital relationship, or the control over a child's life.
For the recipient:
This kind of giving is not love, but a "forced exchange".
three
Accelerate efforts
In fact, it is also accelerating "extinction"
But I am not writing this article solely to criticize such efforts.
Because to be honest, such people also live the most tiring lives.
They cannot perceive the true needs of others and only follow their own logic to do things.
The household chores in life are endless and require constant physical exertion.
However, in the communication with the other party, such 'supply-demand imbalance' can cause great internal friction.
Over time, when various pressures and emotions suddenly surge in, it is easy to explode.
I watched a video from a netizen.
In front of a steaming pot, a mother was working hard to rub noodles with a tool.
picture
The scene was originally full of warmth, but netizens are worried:
Without any accidents, the whole family will be scolded again.
Originally, the mother in the video was cooking a Shanxi delicacy made from soybean flour: Sijian.
This type of pasta is quite troublesome to make. It not only requires mixing the noodles, but also using specialized tools to forcefully squeeze them into the pot.
Every time she does this, her mother gets angry because she's too tired, and the pots and pans and all the family members who eat have to take turns being scolded.
This is not the key yet, the key is:
Actually, they don't like to eat.
But my mother insists on doing it and even gets angry after finishing it.
picture
To be honest, psychologically, I really understand this mother.
Cooking a family meal is really tedious and tiring, and I work hard without anyone to help.
Moreover, if a mother doesn't work at home, there may really be no one to do it, and in the end, the mother can't bear to do it herself.
But in terms of actions, I don't want to sympathize with her at all.
In fact, you can try to communicate and "adjust" more, and live a relaxed and comfortable life. You must stubbornly increase your workload, and eventually suffer and not feel better.
Moreover, in their endless efforts, they gradually lose themselves and fall into the desperate situation of marriage.
A few years ago, I met a female reader.
After getting married, I wholeheartedly put in effort for my husband, unwilling to buy clothes, unwilling to undergo beauty treatments, and trying my best to spend money on my husband's children.
My husband also received this' signal '.
Take all her efforts for granted, never cook meals, never procrastinate on the ground, and enjoy while being picky.
Once, while she was busy, the child cried and called for her husband to help watch. However, after a few minutes, the child was still crying. She ran out to see her husband sitting on the sofa playing games.
She immediately became furious and said, "You have time to play games, why can't you go see the children
The husband immediately choked back and said, "Watching the children and doing household chores all day can't be done so easily. Why bother me
Later, she said to me with infinite sadness:
The more tired I am, the more I put in effort, the more uncomfortable I feel. I have had countless thoughts of divorce and want to settle everything, but in the end, I can only endure it
I don't know how long she will have to endure in a hopeless marriage, but I know that she is just a microcosm of countless women in life.
The more you give, the harder it is to be loved;
The more you give, the more vulnerable you are to harm.
four
A good marriage
It requires effort, but it also requires wisdom
Our traditional culture is accustomed to promoting a "virtuous wife", and in many real-life situations, women are also destined to need to pay more for their families.
Whether it's taking care of the elderly, children, or taking care of various household chores, including some invisible household chores.
It is understandable to exchange genuine treatment for genuine dedication.
But if it's just 'burying oneself in hard work', it becomes an 'excessive' effort and self motivation, which cannot actually produce a positive impact on oneself and others.
On the contrary, it will encourage the other party to rely on and underestimate you, forget to be grateful, and over time, you will also feel aggrieved and unfair, living a very tiring life.
A good marriage requires effort, but it also requires wisdom.
For a woman, maintaining a good mood and creating a warm and joyful atmosphere for her family is an important ability to maintain a healthy and long-lasting marriage.
Is it perfect to consider achieving 70 points for household chores? There is no need to waste too much time and energy pursuing the remaining 30 points.
Otherwise, even if you really enjoy keeping your home tidy and spotless, when you really do:
Would it be imbalanced to see my husband lying in bed with his phone and playing games?
If the child accidentally steps on the dirt you've been dragging away all afternoon, will it make you even more angry?
Finally, while mopping the floor, she cursed and scolded her husband and children.
Convert one's fatigue into negative emotions.
I am tired of myself and others are also tired, and everyone is uncomfortable.
For example, is it necessary to cook every meal for 2 hours, with four dishes and one soup?
After working hard to make a table of dishes, the child will take a few bites and say they are full. You will also feel exhausted and wasted.
Occasionally having a lazy meal and not wanting to cook is really nothing, ordering takeout may make the child eat more delicious.
Glass doesn't need to be wiped every day, and blankets don't need to be folded every day. You can eat and drink as you please.
Don't wake up at 6 o'clock to move yourself if you can spend 16 yuan to get things done.
Reduce workload, don't make yourself so tired, save time and energy, improve your business skills, and one day your family's status will be reversed.
Even if you are a full-time housewife, it's best to expand your interests and hobbies, leave some space for yourself, and learn to fulfill yourself.
Psychological expert Zhou Xiaopeng once said:
Giving is supposed to be a loving thing, and giving more is even more worthy of gratitude. But the premise is that this kind of giving should be both pure and self preserving
Emotions are never maintained through wishful effort and effort.
All the driving forces must originate from "love" itself.
Going to each other in both directions, willingly giving, and participating in every detail of life together, can truly nourish a relationship.