Online dating. What men really mean in their dating profiles:

I wrote these whilst using online dating some years ago. I noticed a bit of a trend. Here are my translations of key words used by men in their dating profiles. Enjoy!

Tactile: Octopus, will try to grope on the first date

Affectionate: Goes for the snog before she’s finished her first drink

Intelligent: Believes himself too good for anyone on this site

Passionate, sensual: Wants sex now – probably wrote his ad with a persistent boner

Self-employed: On the dole – sells his Christmas presents on eBay

Painter & decorator: On the dole – painted his mum’s living room last year

Gardener: On the dole – sometimes mows his mum’s lawn

Care work: On the dole – claims carer’s allowance for ‘disabled’ relative

Millionaire: Liar

New age: Doesn’t buy deodorant and owns at least one Buddha ornament

Free spirit: Drug addict and/or mentally ill

Fun-loving: Wants sex with lots of different people

Prefers older women: Gigolo – wants a sugar-mummy and/or sex without emotional commitment

Open-minded: Wants to try everything he’s enjoyed watching in hardcore porn

Feminist: Hasn't had sex in years and believes this will fly him under the radar

Friends first: Impotent and/or knows this is his only chance of an opener

Emotionally stable: On medication

Take things slowly: Has already had his bank account drained by a scammer

Physical: Lacks conversation skills, needs to fill the awkward silence with a bungee jump

Solvent, GSOH: Remembers lonely hearts ads from newspapers *verify age

Separated: Wife won’t have sex anymore

Volunteers with children and/or loves single mums: Not babysitter material... just sayin'

Uncomplicated: Set in his ways – wants her to accept (and not complain about) his faults

Life and soul of the party: Obnoxious drunk/drugger, probably has an ASBO

Outgoing, extrovert: Loud and embarrassing in public, thinks he’s funny when he’s drunk

Shy: Has Asperger’s

Gentleman, old-fashioned: Control freak – will probably end up trying a Filipino mail-order bride site because women here don’t know their place

Young at heart/ Young-looking: Believes he should bag someone 20+ years younger than himself

Claims the site set his age 10+ years younger: Has now failed to bag a much younger woman and needs to try something more realistic

First date: suggests a walk in a deserted location (beach, forest, moors…): Likes to rape

Been hurt in the past: Wants a pity shag

Normal: Boring and uncreative

Height 5’10”: Real height 5’5”

Calls her babe, honey, darling, sweetie, etc.: Messaging multiple women and can’t be bothered remembering their names. Strongly indicates his desire to connect only via the genitals.

Looking for soulmate: All the above has failed

Just a bit of fun. Can you think of any more? :)