I relate a lot to your story here - What I've realized is that I've been the source of my own bother....my own inner turbulence....and that I've always wanted someone or something to soothe this sorrow and sadness within myself - not realizing I've been the creator of my very own heartache...and that there is no greater soother than ourselves.

It starts and ends with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding myself as the very source of my sorrow and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a real bother to everyone in my reality as a result of not understanding and realizing myself as the very source of my own bother and discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself and kind of like crying within myself in trying to make sense of what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create coping methods to try to block out and numb this deep core experience of myself as sadness and sorrow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing my power...my stand....my inner strength is within and as my self-vulnerability...and my patience with myself to be non-judgemental in seeing sensitive parts of myself....the good the bad and the ugly.

I realize when and as I react to what I see that is not pretty - I stop by taking a deep breath and holding it for a moment and really blowing it out after. Depending on the severity of the initial reaction...I repeat this exercise a few times. I create clarity for myself by writing out the experiences of myself and forgiving them....this helps me with understanding...observing...introspecting...without getting lost in a whirlwind spiral of downward feeling emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing and understand what the world is showing me as my environment and relationship with others...that this silence is in fact my core truth...what I've been hiding from.....I've been so resistant to be still and know that I am here....it's like I've always been crying out for attention to soothe my emotional wounds....not realizing there's no greater care taker for me than me.

I realize my capacity to have great relationships and share a real enjoyment and camaraderie with others has been strained because I haven't been giving this to myself 100%....I realize there's always been compromise within the relationship with myself....in fact I haven't ever really wanted to develop the relationship with myself...I've mostly been trying to cope with the deep uncomfortable shit inside myself that no one wants to help me with....it's funny because nobody ever really knows anybody elses shit but ourselves.

Let confidence be your best friend as you navigate your internal waters and great and expand upon your relationship with yourself...and so to others.

best Regards.

I laid out a sort of structure here with the writing and the self-forgiveness as like an example in a way of how you could structure yourself in writing by going into self-forgiveness.

The hardest thing to do in life is giving ourselves permission to forgive ourselves because we realize and understand that we are indeed worth it.