Dark abyss

Dark abyss

I need my mind to be in a good place.
I need that moment in life when I can just think, just be happy. Is it ever going to come? Is that feeling of complete Nirvana ever going to over take my entire existence, and run its sweet poison through my veins. Will I ever wake up and want to feel earth's beautiful fresh air fill my lungs, hear the sound of the birds, and see the light of the warm sun?
This feeling that controls me holds my mind captive. I cannot control it. I cannot grasp the concept of life that needs to be lived.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired of trying to let my heart feel something. I'm numb, completely and utterly numb. I walk as if I'm not here. I see things as if I am blind. I hear every word you tell me, but I do not listen. I walk among you as if I do not even exist.
You tell me to smile, but I can't.
You tell me to say words, but I can't speak.
You tell me to stop this, but you don't understand, I can't stop this storm that rages on and on in my head.
I never asked for this you know?
I never asked to be a prisoner of this black hole.
I never asked to be alive, but not live.
I never asked to breathe, but feel suffocation all around me.
I want you to know me.
I want you know the secerets in my mind.
I want you to know that each time I wake up, I cry, because I wish I never had woken up at all.
You want me to live, but how can I live when every particle of my body wants to die?