Which one is more painful? My Heart or My Asshole?

"I doesn't feel right."

That's what I told myself right after I failed to show up in the hospital for having diarrhea. The doctor called up and harassed me over the phone as though I am the beligerent one who left lil sis in the hospital with a sick dad.

He is in critical condition and we've been on the lookout for this to happen sooner or later. Honestly, I did not expect it to be now. I thought he would just bounce back like he normally would.

But, just as life a precious spring that no one knows if it flows forever; so is fate in giving out the cruelest means of bitter endings. God is such a sadistic bastard.

I was not lying. I have diarrhea for 2 or 3 days now. While it's gone better, I certainly wouldn't want to walk in inside the hospital 24 minutes away from a comfort room.

My sickness is painful. I don't think I will make it if I move from this place to SPMC (considering it is an hour ride + traffic.) My stomach is a mess every few minutes - not to mention painful. And, my toilet trips have been erratic. You don't know when you'll need one. I've shit on myself in the past trying to control diarrhea with muscle control. I really don't wan't to do that again. Bad Idea. Don't try it when you're away from home. But, even so, I felt like I have become soulless being unable to.

That's my dad. I will give up anything because he is my dad. He is the most important dude in the world. That's him. And, he needs me.

Yet, I am here painfully sitting my ass off. My family needs me. My dad needs me. My sister needs me. Yet, I am here in the dark - sick and alone.

Boy am I wretched. I sincerely hope I am not. But, if I am, I guess I have deserved my lot living some foul wretched meaningless life.