Dad on the brink of a nervous breakdown or when I first felt helpless with my child

Many fathers are respectful of being alone with their baby for the first time over a long period of time. But this time everything was different ...

Our daughter Lilly had always been uncomplicated for the first six months of her life. For a long time we wondered if this child could ever scream. We gave our little but also little reason to do so. When she whined that something did not suit her or she had a need, my wife and I immediately made her feel well. It helped us that she was very predictable and therefore easy to see through. We were always aware that we had above all a lot of luck and a well-balanced child and it was not our merit as a "super-parent" that we had so little problems.

Mom goes to the sauna - what's going to go wrong?

Nevertheless, our Lilly has not slept through yet - and the conversion to porridge was extremely sluggish. Therefore, I advised my wife, our changing milk bar, to take a break and go to the sauna one evening. She would have been away for five hours and could not be reached by phone. I used to feed the little one at night often with a bottle of pumped milk. Why should not this work this time? If I had known how wrong I was this time ...

When Mommy left the house in the early evening, Lilly soon fell asleep in the bassinet. Very nice, so I thought and used the time to a phone call with the grandparents. After almost half an hour, our baby woke up again. I smiled at her and hugged her. No problem so far. Then she began to whine. On a full diaper could not lie, I was sure. Then she probably wants the vial, I thought. Good as well. However, she sucked on the bottle of milk only with moderate interest. Was it the silicone sucker? Lilly's mood got worse.

From initial baby-whining becomes permanent screaming

Maybe she wants entertainment, I thought. I took her to her island and gave her her favorite toys. That did not help. The whining grew louder. I carried her around and weighed her in my arms. From the quenching was slowly screaming. I tried it again with the bottle, because feeding - albeit on the mother's breast - the little one has still calmed down. After two hesitant attempts, she spat out the nipple again. Here, some milk splashed over me and the sofa. That was missing. I picked up Lilly, put her in the stroller, shoved it around and sang her favorite songs. Lilly screamed now - and I began to wonder what else could help. I gave her the pacifier, which used to calm her down a lot. She spit it out immediately. Also, the movement of the stroller did not seem to have a calming effect. So I took out my screaming daughter again, weighed her with good persuasion and songs in her arms and stroked her. Maybe sharing swings in a hammock and a book would be distracting? In the past, she found that beautiful. Not today. Lilly screamed louder than before. Another try with the vial? A failure.

As a father helpless - what would I have given for a few mother breasts

I felt now helpless and useless. My wife would have put the little one to her breast and the whole theater would have ended, I was sure. And me as a father? What options did I have? The vial did not accept her and it calmed her that evening just as little as my hugs, my ditties, my good persuasion. Our daughter screamed. I felt like a failure. What would I have given for a few mother breasts at that moment? Women just do not know how lucky they are, I thought.

The screaming continued - which I tried. I was sure my daughter hates me. It was close to me - the helplessness, the volume right at my ear. I was about to run out of the room and the apartment screaming loudly, so great was my desperation.

My daughter hates me

Finally, I took the little girl with me on the balcony. On the cold night she became quiet, the darkness calmed her. I stayed outside with her for a while, warming her with my body and holding my hand on her head so she would not chill. She was lax. The screaming must have made her tired. I finally put her down in the stroller, which I pushed back and forth until she fell asleep. Finally I could eat - I was half-starved and quite shaky. For dinner I drank a glass of high percentage, which I never do. It was necessary that evening. I was beaten, humiliated and between me and my daughter it would never be the same again as before, I was sure. Lilly hated me.

After another hour, my wife came back well recovered from the sauna and I fell into her arms, close to tears. I told her everything and she gave me comfort. We let Lilly sleep in the pram.

A roller coaster ride of emotions

An hour later, the little girl woke up and I carried her to bed with her mother so she could get her milk. There was sadness in lifting my little darling and bringing it to Mama, who would now give her what I could not offer her. However, when I took Lilly off to her mother, it happened: the little girl smiled at me. All open. As if nothing had happened. Then I knew: everything will be fine. My daughter still loves me. I smiled back, stroking her head and tears in her eyes.