Alone Alone - When children become independent

If my son alone crosses the street or wants to make the playgrounds with breakneck climbing maneuvers, then he often falls, this sentence: "I can do it alone!" Quite often with the addition: "I'm already big!"

But this is the same three-year-old who just a few days ago cut a new pattern into our living-room curtains and only yesterday threw his flashlight into the aquarium. Supposedly, so that the fish can see better.

Of course, I am glad that my offspring is becoming increasingly independent. But this pride often mingles with concern. And sometimes a bit helplessness.

Should I let him do it alone, knowing that my son is still too young for it? Or rather prevent, because I just can not believe it? Maybe try and help him out to minimize the risks, but at the risk that he will be slowed down in his self-confidence and motivation?

It depends on the parents

I've heard and read a lot about it. And today I know that it is like almost always in life: there is no universal recipe. But with a little gut feeling and a willingness to take risks, there is a healthy middle ground.

Because nobody knows our children as well as we, the parents. Not the grandparents, not the best friends and certainly not various education counselors. Only we have the development of our children very clearly in mind. Day after day.

When a child can dress on their own, pour a glass of milk or go to the bathroom, they can never be tied to a fixed time. Only the level of development of our children is important. And not the age.

Therefore, it is important to consider whether a child is actually too small for this or that, just because others are or were at that age. The important thing is that our children trust themselves. On the other hand, we should never insist that the child at a certain age can or does have to trust one or the other - just because other children are already capable of doing so.

theory and practice

This would actually say everything, but our everyday life often looks very different.

A small example: One day my son insisted on putting on his own shoes. "I already be big" - that was his logical reasoning. Praiseworthy, no question. However, his attempts always lasted for half an eternity. And just in time, when time is pressing, that is more than a hindrance. So we did that for him, of course, under his vociferous protest, which often ended in tears. He was frustrated because his drive for independence had been severely damaged. At some point he gave up. He just sat down and waited for us to help him out again.

Even this small example shows how quickly children can be discouraged at this age and change from an active to a passive role.

The dressing works fast now, because we have practiced it. And in the afternoon. Without time pressure.

Permanently independent

Children want to be independent, that's in the nature of things. After all, they can process up to 300 new pieces of information per day. However, children are only really able to progress in their individual development if they are able and willing to solve most of the problems that they encounter. Children who are deprived of every decision can not become self-employed.

Our children know best when they are mature enough to learn to ride a bicycle, climb trees and much more. Of course, learning goals are important. But if they are only given by us, our offspring relies less and less on his curiosity. Children become (themselves) safer if they set themselves goals. And to learn to pursue and reach them.

Praise and trust

Of course, this also includes defeats, because our children are constantly testing their limits. The last thing they want to hear is reproaches. I have often caught myself, as I have made my son little reproaches. Not with intent, but completely automatically. For example, "If you had listened to me, you would not have fallen down while climbing." Such statements make children despondent. And sad. It would be better: "Not bad, that can happen. Let's try again. Then it will work. "

In addition to inexhaustible love, praise, recognition, and trust should be an integral part of our children's education. Because our offspring needs it like the air to breathe. Even if they do not do something the first, second or third time, children should always feel that mom and dad are behind them and proud. And a partial success can almost always make out. Or?

Of course, this often requires a certain parental serenity. But it is this serenity that gives our children to understand that we do not push ourselves to play the senior teacher, but are always available with advice and assistance when it needs help. And so it's easier for the child to accept the limits we sometimes have to set as parents.

The first step

Courtesy, honesty, assertiveness ... We have many important educational goals. But sometimes we forget that the independence of our children is an important part of it. This does not automatically adjust with a certain age, but is the result of a long learning process that begins at an early age and consists of many small stages. And the first step on this journey begins with the sentence for our children: "I can do it alone, because I'm already tall."