My Office Was Burglarized... While I Was Still In It...

Big deadline Monday, so I had to work late Sunday. Unlocked the office door, sat at my desk, put my headphones on, and got down to it. A few hours went by and then something happened…

A young man with a crooked cap and baggy pants walked around the corner to where my desk was. I’d never seen him before in my life. He was as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

It took me half a second to realize he was robbing the place. And another half second to realize I was going to be robbed too, or maybe even worse.

I’m usually a thoughtful sort of person, I like to consider all options, evaluate the facts, and then make the best decision possible, or maybe think about it some more.

But now instinct took over. And my instinct said this: I don’t want to die.

I threw my headphones off, lurched up off my chair, grabbed whatever I could find, which happened to be an old skateboard next to my desk, and issued a warning, “Can I help you?”

Well, I think I scared the crap out of this guy, but he was one smooth operator. He held one palm up to calm me, and reached with his other hand to pick up a trash can. I was ready to start swinging, but he pulled out the plastic bag and backed up like he was taking out the trash.

Dammit. It was just the janitor kid and I almost killed him.

I sat back down and let the adrenaline ooze out slowly. I honestly felt a little bit guilty. Now that I could be a bit more thoughtful, I realized that I had jumped to a rather quick conclusion and I felt like I owed him an apology.

I could hear him talking to someone else around the corner, and I thought a bit more. Our janitors come on Thursdays, and that kid isn’t one of them. I got up again and walked around the corner. The front door clicked close.

Laptops missing, cables hanging off of desks, my instincts were right. We’d been robbed.

I peered out the front door into the parking lot. Glowing taillights turned onto the street and disappeared. I considered getting in my car to follow, but then what?

I locked the front door. It had never occurred to me to lock it before. It had never occurred to me that there was any reason to lock it. My office was in the sleepy suburb of Mountain View, Google’s hometown, nerd central.

Danger was long gone now, and there was no emergency to contend with, but I guessed I should call the police, so I did.

While I waited, I wondered how many different endings this story could have had. What if I had cowered in fear? What if we’d gotten into a fight? What if the burglar had a gun? What if I did?

The situation could easily have ended very differently. Most ways worse.

About fifteen minutes later, the police arrived and I told him the same story. He gave me a report to fill out and a lecture not to try to defend myself, not to be confrontational, and to call the police instead.

I just nodded.

No doubt his advice was well intended. Most likely a docile attitude has been proven to have a lower chance of a bad individual outcomes. I don’t doubt it.

But wouldn’t allowing criminal behavior to go unchallenged just encourage more bad behavior? That is, “more” bad outcomes for “more” people.

If criminals only encounter a world of passive victims, ready to be robbed, abused, raped, or murdered, isn’t that just lining up sheep to be sheared?

Isn’t saying “please don’t hurt me, take whatever you want” just rewarding bad behavior and in effect saying “go hurt someone else too.”

Could anything be more selfish, irresponsible, or antisocial?

They say that bad things only happen when good people do nothing. But how can someone be good, if they allow something bad to happen - and also encourage it be done to others as well?

That’s not good.

I wish I could say I was thinking about all that when the burglar arrived, but I wasn’t. I wish I could say that I care so much about society that I stood up to make the world a better place, but I didn’t. I’m no hero. I just reacted.

But I think I did the right thing, and I’d do it again.

If we want to reduce the number of criminal assholes in the world, then isn’t it ultimately up to us to say, “Hell no! Not here, not now.”

I think it is.

Unless the police are equipped with time machines, how else?

And what of the burglar? He was probably just a stupid kid who got some stupid ideas from some stupid movies. I hope I scared him enough to consider another line of work. I hope he told all his friends that there are some crazy motherfuckers out there who don’t take shit from anyone, and crime isn't fun.

And I hope you’ll never meet him or another like him. I did my best, but one can only be so scary with an old skateboard…