Mistakes
"I've made my share of mistakes. I know this as well as anybody else. All I can do is apologize. The question is, can you forgive me?"
She just stared blankly at me, no expression on her face. No hurt, no anger, no sorrow, and definitely no forgiving. But that didn't really mean anything. One of the things that attracted me to her in the first place was her subtlety. Maybe I was just missing it.
"I so wish I could go back in time and take back all the hurtful things I said. I wish I could go back and be the sensitive guy I so wanted to be."
Again no response.
"I want to go back so I could call you every day, write you letters of passion, and keep things how they could be, how they should be."
Her silence was beginning to break down my confidence. I started to scramble for what to say, and stutter it out when I tried to say it.
"D-don't you see? I… I love you. I have always loved you. I didn't know what love was, but I don't need to. I understand now that what I felt was love…"
"Thanks for the coffee," you say as you pick up your purse and walk away.
This is why I never tried to talk sooner. I was so terrified of your disdain and rejection that I couldn't apologize. I wanted so much for things to return to the way they were, but I couldn't bring myself to even try.
(Originally written 1999-05-27, never published. Clearly I was having relationship issues.)
Almost nineteen years ago ...
I think my reaction would be different, if I had been on the receiving end of that heartfelt apology.
We all say so often the words "I love this, I love that, I love you", and yet most of us don't really know it ... until it sneaks up on you, ensnares you ... and then hurts you, when it is lost.
I hope, that in the time that has passed, you have found (again) what you were missing these almost nineteen years ago ...
Three months later I met the woman who would become my wife, so even if I didn't find what that particular person had to offer, I think I found what I was looking for.