Woman deceived, why is it so bad? Claude Halmos, psychologist, answers: part 2 end:
Claude Halmos: Yes, it is necessarily, always, because to be a deceived woman is to be left, even if it is for an hour. In sleeping with another, the one we love leaves the relationship, the love and the desire he had for us, to give it to another. He deserts without warning the place of intimacy to two. If this leads to despair or depression, it is because it refers to the solidity of narcissism that has been built since childhood, that is to say to the image that we have has of oneself. The bases probably go back to the way we were wanted very deeply by our parents, and especially by our mother.
Then there is what we have represented for our parents: a child who feels that he is a source of joy and that his parents would be infinitely unhappy if he was not there, or more there, knows that he has value and he counts. On the other hand, is one considered to be an intelligent person, interesting, having a word that counts or not? All of this depends on the image one has of one's adult self. Now, to be deceived comes precisely to strike in all this, because the unconscious does not know the time, and it is the child in us who suffers.
MC: What childhood injuries can be reactivated?
CH: The feeling of abandonment when a little brother has arrived - "Mom does not love me anymore, she loves the other" -, the preference for another of the siblings or the feeling of being an individual to whom he missing something: "My father loved only boys ..." If the child feels that he is not loved, because at some point in his life, the mother can not, because her story prevents her from having the sons of motherhood sufficiently connected to be totally there with him - because she is lost, overwhelmed by her problems or depressed - the child interprets: "I am not lovable." And he will desperately search for everything he can do to be, for example, the ideal little girl, according to the supposed ideal of the mother. The abandoned woman replays the pain with the couple: "Here too, I tried to be the woman he loved,
MC: Is that why even a night with no tomorrow can cause pain?
CH: The relationship to sexuality is different between men and women, we do not speak the same language. For men, sexuality does not necessarily imply feelings and does not question those they have for their wife. But for a woman, an adventure or an affair of her companion opens an identical wound: "He was attracted by another, something at home beckoned to him, while I, I did not sign anymore or more enough." This may refer to the indifference of the mother or father, for example. And then, we also realize that we are not everything for him, that he escapes us, while we are former children who want to be everything for the other.
MC: But then, how do you explain that some say they do not suffer?
CH: These women probably say it to persuade themselves. In reality, they want to protect themselves because recognizing that they suffer would be infinitely more painful. Indeed, some people are anesthetized because they lived in childhood suffering such that if they had felt, they would probably died or have gone into madness. There are also women who disconnect sexuality from any affect (although it is mostly male). They do not feel deceived, since for them there is no real connection to the other. This is the case of those who practice swingers, for example, and who can find a source of excitement. But at that moment, we can no longer speak of deception, we are in another register. They live an organization different from the relationship to the other and from sexuality. But for most women, loving involves the exclusivity of both feeling, desire and sexuality.
MC: What is being played in comparison with the rival?
CH: The man serves as a yardstick to measure femininity, seduction, the ability to arouse love, etc. The rival is thus the one who has, imaginarily, all that one does not have, according to the history of each one. For example: "In spite of all my efforts, my mother did not like me because she always found that I was too much this or not enough that ... Now, since this other woman manages to be loved, it is good because she has everything I do not have, and I'm not much. "
MC: How can we forgive and rebuild?
CH: It depends on how one has been deceived. There are men who deceive "correctly", so to speak, they continue to love, respect and desire their wives despite everything. Even if they want another, they do not put it in any place, replaceable by anyone. And then, there are those who deceive with perversion: the woman is an object that one consumes, and no matter what she thinks. On the occasion of a deception, one can thus realize that one was nothing but an object rather interchangeable for the other, and that ruins the narcissism.