The most common questions I don't get asked are about punning.

• People are always never telling me I wish I could pun, but I don't know how to get started.

Every day, dozens of people don't ask me, "How can I be better at punning?"

It seems impossible, right?

But

I can teach you how to pun in just 12 easy steps.

Then we'll have a contest, and whoever puns the best will win a 100% upvote from me (currently worth approx. $0.02).

And the best part is: you don't have to upvote or resteem or follow or do anything except make a pun! Seems easy, right?

IT IS.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, how does one pun? Simple. Think of something you want to pun about. Ask your wife, husband, or dog to give you a random word. If you don't have one of those, get a cat. If you're allergic to cats, go outside and ask a tree. If you live in a treeless desert, like Antarctica, then ask one of your fellow scientists at the research station.

My dog said, "Whine whine whine whine whine." this might have been because of the premature fireworks (IT'S IN A WEEK, NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS! #getoffmylawn), but we'll assume he was sincerely offering that as a suggestion.

Step one complete!

Step TWO

Think of all the tangential related things that there are to your subject. (Yes, we'll circle back to the homophone "wine", but please be patient.)
Whine:

1. Kids
2. Crying
3. Needy
4. Annoying
5. Dogs

You'll think of more.

Step THREE

Think of all the exact or near-homophones that relate to your new words.

1. Kids
   1a. Goats
   1b. Joking or "kidding"
   1c. Keds
2. ...etc

Step FOUR

Connect the dots with an old joke format (advanced: make up a new one)

1. Why were the baby goats always drunk? Because kids are always WINE-ing.

Step FIVE

This is the most important step. Say "BADA - BING, you been punned!"

Step SIX

Explain to the audience why the joke is funny and they're dumb for not laughing.

1. No, see, because baby goats are called "kids", but baby humans whine a lot, but "wine" is also an alcohol, and while "wine-ing" isn't technically a word, we can imply its meaning with context. "Wine-ing" in this context means "drinking wine". So the kids would be drunk, see?

It is best if the explanation lasts longer than the time it takes for them to stop booing.

Step SEVEN

No, that's it. You're done. You punned. You could do another one if you want.

Step EIGHT

Stop it. I told you, there are no more steps. Just because I promised 12 steps, doesn't mean we need to actually use 12 steps.

Step NINE

I guess we're doing this. Just skip whatever follows this until you get to the bottom and you can see the contest rules.

Step TEN

Yes, we get it. Ha Ha.

Step Eleven

Almost there.

Step Eleven and a Half

NO. NO. That is cheating. One hundred percent cheating. I'm

...

Is that it? You're leaving me short of 12? Ok. Fine.

And now for the cont-

Step Twelve

We're done.

Contest Rules

Your Suggestion is...

Basketball

Using any setup, including this example setup, "Hey Waiter, there's a basketball in my soup", deliver any punny punchline, but not this one, "Yeah, well, last time you paid your tab, your check BOUNCED."

The most upvoted pun will received the aforementioned prize. Several others will also.

PRIZES