Your story was hard to follow. In fact, it felt like you were jumping around without giving enough details to keep the reader's attention.
As a fellow writer, I know writing is an art and not a science. So keep trying and keep on making mistakes. It will help you in the long run.
(Also, if you need help look up my works to get a better idea. Us writers need to help each other out. https://steemit.com/adsactly/@skullcollector47/death-takes-on-american-corruption )