Straight to the point (and let's hope it's the right spot), let's see how masturbation is done in mainstream cinema, as known as "the sex with someone one loves"...

"THE SHAPE OF WATER" (2017)

• Director:
  Guillermo del Toro
• Who does it?:
  Elisa Esposito (Sally Hawkins)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Already a fan of both Guillermo Del Toro and Sally Hawkins here; the former, a fantastic director & writer ("Pan's Labyrinth"), and the latter, a great actress who can handle anything on screen ("Made in Dagenham", "Maudie"), including making love to herself.

I don't care how many times or in which ways Mr. Del Toro repeats himself, I would watch any movie made by him without any hesitation, because almost all of his movies are an attempt to expound the elements of human condition (especially "Pan's Labyrinth" and "The Devil's Backbone"), the effects of authoritarianism & fascism and how they ruin the lives of those who exposed to their destructive power.

Del Toro clearly explains why he included Elisa's masturbation scene to the movie in the video below, and I absolutely agree with his point of view..:

"DEADPOOL" (2016)

• Director:
  Tim Miller
• Who does it?:
  Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

A UNICORN?

Not a fan of "superhero" movies myself. Unfortunately, most of them are not even movies, but "video-clips" long enough (of course, Christopher Nolan's Batman Trilogy is an exception), but who says a "video-clip long enough" cannot entertain (if it's your intention anyway)?

But, I mean come on, masturbating to a UNICORN?
Now, who else than DEADPOOL would ever attempt to do that.

No matter what, my favorite UNICORN is still the one we've seen in Ridley Scott's Blade Runner (1982) for sure.

"PLEASANTVILLE" (1998)

• Director:
  Gary Ross
• Who does it?:
  Betty Parker (Joan Allen)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

What a great movie Pleasantville is, and it seems masturbation can colorize the completely grayish world of its folks, and the pleasure can even set a tree on fire (setting trees on fire is definitely not a good practice for sure, but the scene has its purpose in the context of the movie) - If you haven't watched "Pleasantville" yet, never ever hesitate to do it, this is an extremely underrated (despite its score of "7.5" on IMDB) gem... BRILLIANT!

The story tells a lot about the never-ending "ROUTINE" we all experience to some degree, and how the folks of Pleasantville add color to their lives gradually once they get rid of their prejudices and "blindness" bit by bit, day after day. Betty Parker's own journey of adding color to her life begins when she discovers masturbation in the bathtub.

"BLACK SWAN" (2010)

• Director:
  Darren Aronofsky
• Who does it?:
  Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Regular practices (I remember my own days of drumming, I was practicing at least 6-7 hours each day), rivalry, the battle of EGOs, and disappointments... When all these meet with intolerable pressure and stress, then it means you're in serious trouble, like our protagonist, Nina (Portman)... The way of an artist is NEVER an easy one, yet success is never guaranteed. We all "see" the ones who've made it (if we know where to look), but there are tons of sad, depressive stories out there which also includes the victorious ones.

Being the Black Swan is hard, especially when a skillful rival arrives who is all Nina isn't: Psychologically stable, courageous and outgoing. Between all the dreams and visions, Nina needs some relief.

"SEED OF CHUCKY" (2004)

• Director:
  Don Mancini
• Who does it?:
  Chucky (himself)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Chucky? The "GOOD GUY" Doll? WHAT THE...

"Seed Of Chucky"... This may be the exact moment when you think you've seen the most absurd scenes in the world of movies but you find out you haven't yet. After DEADPOOL's UNICORN fantasy, now things are getting even more ABSURDER. If you're against "good guy" dolls masturbating, this movie shouldn't be on your list (though I think this movie should never be on your list for any reason).

Chucky, with his incredible acting performance in the movie, has won the Academy Award for the category "best leading actor in a masturbation scene". Joking, of course; but I wouldn't be surprised if Academy really did it, as far as I know, they don't have a strong cinematic taste.

I admit that I'm a fan of the first movie ("Child's Play", 1988, directed by Tom Holland), but still struggling to understand why we've had six more movies.

"SECRETARY" (2002)

• Director:
  Steven Shainberg
• Who does it?:
  Lee Halloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Lee Halloway, after having been rehabilitated due to her tendency for self-harm (and she's still psychologically unstable), struggles to adjust to life yet finds a job as a secretary for a lawyer despite lacking social skills, and ends up in a relationship with her boss involving sadomasochism.

The scene, in this case, is where Lee gets aroused by looking at the paper on which her boss marked her spelling mistakes with a red marker, and things get out of HAND quickly (or maybe just the opposite?).

"AMERICAN BEAUTY" (1999)

• Director:
  Sam Mendes
• Who does it?:
  Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Lester Burnham's quote epitomizes the story all.
This is how Mr. Burnham starts the day, and it's all downhill from there (the scene above is at the beginning of the film, but there is also another masturbation scene of him in this movie.)

This is sort of a "Pleasantville" yet definitely a more depressing one. Sam Mendes' masterpiece portrays today's human condition: Illusory satiation, different forms of modern slavery, fake lives, so-called "happiness" and dissatisfaction. I don't know the secret of happiness (or if one exists or not) but one thing's for sure... The worst path to happiness is trying to feed a monster whose hunger can never be sated: The Human Ego.

"American Beauty" (and what a great title this movie has; fits perfectly with the movie's context) is the story of Lester Burnham's revolt against the "system" that ruins lives.

"AMERICAN PIE" (1999)

• Director:
  Paul Weitz
• Who does it?:
  Jim Levenstein (Jason Biggs)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

The next object of desire: An APPLE PIE!

Well, I don't think this horrible scene needs any further explanation. Dumbfounding. Absurd. Irksome... Funny, but irksome. An idiot gets "aroused" by an apple pie, thinks (I'm not sure he has that ability though) having an "intercourse" with it would be a great idea and ends up getting caught by his dad. Until now we've seen UNICORNS and "GOOD GUY" DOLLS but this scene should be considered as the summit of Mt. Everest when it comes to ABSURDITY.

"THE EXORCIST" (1973)

• Director:
  William Friedkin
• Who does it?:
  Regan, possessed by a demon, Pazuzu (Linda Blair)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

I can't even imagine how the audience must have reacted to this scene in the year 1973. I would like to see their faces. And I'm not sure what kind of pedagogical practices (if any) they implemented for Linda Blair who was only 14 years old then.

Adapted from William Peter Blatty's book with the same name; William Friedkin's "The Exorcist" offers many unforgettable scenes (and of course, with the way of cinematic perfection as you would expect from a masterpiece), and you already know which one we're talking about here.

"THE SENTINEL" (1977)

• Director:
  Michael Winner
• Who does it?:
  Sandra (Beverly D'Angelo)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

The movie has its own drawbacks but we have a great cast here including Ava Gardner, José Ferrer, John Carradine, Burgess Meredith, Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken, Beverly D'Angelo, and Tom Berenger. Even Jeff Goldblum is here! But, unfortunately, there are times when even such a great cast is not able to save a movie.

But of course, at least for this post's purpose, we only care about Sandra's (Beverly D'Angelo) bizarre (and a bit funny) masturbation scene when their neighbour Alison (the protagonist, Cristina Raines) pays them a visit. What happened to cakes and drinks, was masturbation acknowledged as the new trend of hospitality back then?

"SHAME" (2011)

• Director:
  Steve McQueen
• Who does it?:
  Brandon (Michael Fassbender)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

We witness another "happy landing" moment when Brandon (Michael Fassbender) gets caught by his sister while doing "it".

I've been following both Steve McQueen's and Michael Fassbender's careers closely after their collaboration in "Hunger" (2008), there is no doubt about their talent as a director and actor. "Shame" has a lot to say about sex addiction and the way relationships "work" today while letting us to explore Brandon's daily life which includes masturbating several times a day, downloading tons of porn in work (which infects the company's computers with virus) and frequently having sex with prostitutes. When his sister moves in, his regular "life" takes a blow. Of course, as we always say, "the movie is in the eye of the beholder", but this is a deep movie that asks important questions.

"NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE" (2001)

• Director:
  Joel Gallen
• Who does it?:
  Janey Briggs (Chyler Leigh)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

What are these people looking at?
What is that pink flying "thing" anyway?

We have a surprise birthday party here, but, the problem with a surprise birthday party is that it's a SURPRISE!

You know the good old saying, "no family is ever what it seems from the outside". Well, let's hope so. If a movie starts with a scene like this, it definitely gives a clue about the rest, meaning you may watch it for fun (but not obliged to) and forget it as soon as you've finished watching it.

"ANTICHRIST" (2001)

• Director:
  Lars Von Trier
• Who does it?:
  "She" (Charlotte Gainsbourg)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

As controversial and subversive as cinema can be...

Love him or hate him, Lars Von Trier is a magnificent director and a great story-teller. He masterfully crafts his own universe, and the more you get used to his rules, the more you intrigued by his movies.

Of all the movies I've watched in my entire life, both Lars Vontrier's "Antichrist" and Gaspar Noe's "Irreversible" have been the hardest two to watch (though in my own terms, they are masterpieces) - I don't know if anything can prepare you for what is about to come. I should warn you, this is not a movie for everyone, its brutality is as realistic it can be, both psychologically and physically.

Anyhow back to topic (if it's a Lars Von Trier movie, it's always on-topic), "She" delivers a lesson on how to do it on screen. Charlotte Gainsbourg proves once again that she's one of the best actresses of our era.

"THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MARY" (1998)

• Director:
  Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly
• Who does it?:
  Ted (Ben Stiller)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

"IS THAT... HAIR GEL?"
One simply knows where they unload their... Whatever.

You may remember Farrelly Bros. from their "Dumb And Dumber" and "Me, Myself And Irene", so they know a few things about making viewers laugh.

This movie offers two absurd scenes (among many, but we're only interested in these two) where a 17-year-old teenager, Ted, gets his testicles stuck in his pants' zipper (this is never a good news), just before a date (the following events are even absurder including the involvement of fire department)...

Ten or so years later, Ted, masturbates and ejaculates just before his dream-girl knocks the door. Ted has a problem. He doesn't know "where the hell did IT go?"... Then Mary (Cameron Diaz) asks, "is that... hair gel?"

"ELLES" (2011)

• Director:
  Malgorzata Szumowska
• Who does it?:
  Anne (Juliette Binoche)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Juliette Binoche ("Three Colors: Blue", "The English Patient", "Chocolat") plays Anne in "ELLES" who works for French lifestyle magazine, Elle. While her life looks ideal on the surface, she is dealing with her own issues including her dull marriage which looks like a middle-high-class prison underneath the surface. Anne's latest assignment is writing an article on prostitution, thus she interviews two young female students involved in paid-sex which we witness as flashbacks. As she listens to their stories, she realizes that despite all the difficulties they're having they are incomparably "alive" than her (at first look you may think this kind of argument would lead us to a horrible place we don't want to go, but please don't let that misguide you).

The scene in "ELLES" takes place in the bathroom when she needs relief from her depressing routine. (Note: The word "ELLES" means "they" in French language in feminine form as in French nouns are either feminine or masculine)

"THE NEON DEMON" (2016)

• Director:
  Nicolas Winding Refn
• Who does it?:
  Ruby (Jena Malone)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

A Corpse?

There are a lot of lonely people on this planet but most of them would not aroused by a corpse, right? Ruby is not one of them. Working as a makeup artist in a morgue as her second job, she masturbates to climax on top of a dead body.

When a "new model on the block", Jesse, arrives in Los Angeles with all her natural beauty, "old kids on the block" become jealous of her, including Ruby (the "alive" one in the photo above), Sarah and Gigi. As the movie goes on, bit by bit, we realize that these three are EXTREMELY obsessed with "beauty", especially with Jesse's.

"DON JON" (2013)

• Director:
  Joseph Gordon-Levitt
• Who does it?:
  Jon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

An addict, and his laptop's start-up sound...

Jon is a man who can easily be aroused with his laptop's start-up sound (and the scene in question comes at the beginning of the movie), and despite having an active sex life he still prefers watching porn over having sex with "real" women. Jon's daily rituals are displayed as a series of monotonous soft-porn video-clips one after another which can be "boring" at times for some viewers; but maybe that's the point. This movie is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's directorial debut, and actually it's deeper than it seems at first glance, especially in the second half where Julianne Moore gets involved in the story. I wish she had a longer part in the film.

"MULHOLLAND DRIVE" (2001)

• Director:
  David Lynch
• Who does it?:
  Diane Selwyn (Naomi Watts)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

Do you remember the dream you had the night before?

When watching a movie it's always a good idea to do it alone or with someone who doesn't interrupt the focus, especially when it comes to a movie like "Mulholland Drive" which demands crystal clear concentration. What she did in Mulholland Drive may be Naomi Watts' best performance ever by far where she portrays two characters (I shouldn't talk about this further). The scene we have in this case is a sad one where even masturbation is not able to provide a relief.

"GRANDMA'S BOY" (2006)

• Director:
  Nicholaus Goossen
• Who does it?:
  Alex (Allen Covert)

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

When an adult has a conversation with a barbie doll...

Another absurd example where a 35-year-old male (Alex) masturbates in front of a bizarre barbie doll and ends up getting caught by his friend's mom. JUST LOCK THE DOOR YOU IDIOT (Of course, "the unlocked door" is not the only problem we have here)

Alex makes a living by testing video games and lives with Josh, a friend who squanders all of their money on prostitutes instead of paying the rent (and does it for six months; stupidity has no boundaries) so their landlord evicts them.

Alex spends a night with an old friend who still lives in his parents' house. Unable to sleep (on an air bed offered to him), he sees a barbie doll in his friend's room. You already know the rest. Absurd, isn't it?

I must admit that this is a funny and quite "watchable" movie though.

B O N U S
"THE MATRIX RELOADED" (2003)

Directors:
Lilly Wachowsky, Lana Wachowsky

Who is behind it?:
Merovingian, as known as Frenchman (Lambert Wilson), and, the magic of MATRIX

^{[Photo Source: The movie itself]}

"I have sent her a very special dessert"
- Merovingian, "The Matrix Reloaded"

I know, it's not masturbation; but this scene was too good to ignore because it has the magic of Matrix... After all, it seems Merovingian is having a lot of fun by sending a very special "dessert" to to this woman which brings her to climax, isn't he? This scene, accompanied by Merovingian's speech, tells a lot on the classic debate of "Determinism" and "Freewill".

The magic of cinema has no limits;
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