There's always that one relative

My old neighbor Mary used to thrill me with stories about her crazy, drunk, uncle. You know on the movie “Waiting” how they played that game where all the guys would trick one another into looking at their penises? Well, that was him, except he was the only one playing, and instead of a restaurant, it was birthday parties and family gatherings. He would also get arrested on a comically regular basis for riding his bicycle through town naked while swigging tequila and singing Mariachi songs. These stories took place in an impoverished Mexican village in the 70’s, so people just laughed off his antics and quit inviting him to Quinceañeras. Despite the fact that this dude was almost certainly a sexual predator, it was a pretty funny story.

If Mary had been from Beverly Hills I never would have heard this story. Poor people love to tell you about their fucked up relatives because it makes them look good. Rich people are ashamed of their fucked up relatives because it makes them look bad. Here are a few rich people who would probably prefer you not hear about their fucked up relatives.

Bill Clinton's half brother

President George Bush’s brother Jeb is famous for being a useless, corrupt sack of shit, overshadowing Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger. Roger had several minor roles in film and television such as "Bio-Dome", "Fred Clause", "The Nanny", and "Sabrina The Teenage Witch". Roger also had a band that managed to get a record deal with Atlantic Records, which I'm sure had nothing to do with his half-brother being president. His band had the distinct honor of performing in Pyongyang, North Korea in 1999, which I'm sure had nothing to do with the shady international antics of the Clinton Foundation.

Before Bill left office he was nice enough to grant a pardon to Roger for his 1985 cocaine trafficking conviction. Roger also racked up several DUI’s and was given the codename “Headache” by the secret service during Bill's tenure as POTUS. There was also that one time when Roger requested a presidential pardon for Rosario Gambino of the famous Gambino crime family. Then the justice department was like, “Hey, what’s up with this check you cashed for $50,000 from a company owned by Rosario Gambino?” Roger reportedly pointed out a window and yelled, “What’s that!” then knocked over a glass of water and ran out of the room before they could ask about the over 300k worth of travelers checks he had from other criminals.

Al Gore's son

I couldn’t find any reports on whether or not Roger Clinton and Al Gore’s son, AL III, hung out together, but I’m just going to say they did because this is the internet, where the rules are made up and the facts don’t matter. It is a matter of public record that Al the third got arrested for driving high as fuck with no headlights on back in 2003, then again in 2007 for going 100mph down a San Diego freeway at 2:15 am. Officers searched his car after determining it smelled like a Snoop Dog concert and found weed, Xanax, Valium, Vicodin, and Adderall. He did manage to keep his family legacy intact by committing his crimes while driving a Prius.

Nichelle Nichols's brother

Nichelle Nichols played Lieutenant Uhura on the original Star Trek. Cool Story about Nichelle. While shooting an episode she only had one line and William Shatner argued that her line was pointless and had it cut. Nichelle said, “Fuck these crackers. I’m outa here.” That night she met Martin Luther King Jr. who told her she was an inspiration because she showed people of color had a place in the future. So she had tell Gene Rodenberry that MLK said she needed her job back. Shatner made it up to her during the filming of the first interracial kiss in television history with her. Producers suggested they shoot two versions of the scene, one with a kiss, and one with a hug. In every take of the hug scene Shatner made stupid faces at the camera so they couldn’t use any of them.

Anyone here remember when the Hale-Bopp comet was hanging out in the sky in 1995? That was fucking cool. Nichelle’s brother Thomas thought it was cool too. He was one of the 39 people in the infamous Heaven’s Gate cult who ate phenobarbital laced applesauce, put on some fly ass black Nike’s, wrapped a plastic bag around their head and committed suicide in hopes to catch a ride to heaven on a spaceship hiding behind the comet. Fun Fact, most of the male members of the cult had previously traveled to Mexico to have their selves castrated so they would be free from impure thoughts. Thomas had reached out to Nichelle hoping her endorsement as “person on fictional Sci-Fi TV show” would lend legitimacy to the weird alien cult he was trapped in. She was like, “Nah I”ll pass. Have you tried John Travolta? He was in Battlefield Earth?” Thomas was all, “Yeah, we did. He’s already got his own alien cult.”

Nike discontinued the line of shoes worn by the cult members. If you see a pair at a thrift shop snatch them motherfuckers up. They are going for thousands of dollars on eBay.

Just in case you want to be REALLY creeped the fuck out, here are all the cult members recording surprisingly happy goodbye videos before they killed themselves. Thomas is around the hour and ten-minute mark, next to the guy who looks like a bulimic Dr. Moreu Cat in the Hat.

Laurence Fishburne's daughter

There’s a sad day in every father’s life when his little princess starts to rebel. It’s even worse when he has to accept the fact that she out there fucking. Matrix star Laurence Fishburne’s daughter Montana did both at the same time by starring in a porn flick at the ripe, nubile, tender age of 18. Reports say Laurence tried to spend a million bucks to buy every copy so the video would never see the light of day. It didn’t work since the videos already shipped. Which is just as well since selling a million dollars-worth of videos don’t tend to discourage porn producers from making more copies.

Afterward, Fishburne hired a private investigator to follow his daughter to make sure she hadn’t lost her damn mind. The investigator must have sucked at his job because Montana realized she was being tailed. She made sure the dick was watching while she pretended to slurp down a bottle of bleach, you know, as a goof.

Montana’s reasoning for doing the video was, “Kim Kardashian did one and it worked out good for her.” It didn’t work out for Montana, because her family isn’t a coven of narcissistic sociopaths with absolutely no concept of shame or dignity. In 2017 Montana was arrested after crashing her Toyota Corolla into a Range Rover in Fort Lauderdale.

“Cops discovered an open bottle of wine on the floor of her car and the police report states that she made “incoherent statements” and urinated on the side of the road. Montana blew a .177 and .181 on the breathalyzer, more than double the legal limit.”

Yes, you read that right. She was driving a Toyota Corolla.

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A per contest rules, I nominate @thewisesloth and @gingersiscocook to compete

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9