Tales From The Toilet - Disaster in Debenhams (Comedy Open Mic - Round 23)

I've visited lots of toilets in my 46 years on this planet. Thankfully, they're almost everywhere (except when you really need one). Most of the time, a visit to the little boys room is an uneventful experience; but sometimes, the toilet experience can be one to remember. This series is a recollection of some of those memorable moments.

Disaster in Debenhams.

'I'll have a lasagne' I said to Ryan as I quickly stuffed a fiver in his hand. I was at the point of no return. Touching cloth so to speak. The turtle was wide awake and it was hungry. I left Ryan queuing up for our lunch and dashed into the toilets as quickly as my little legs would carry me.

I'd never visited a department store toilet before and can assure you that after this experience in 1990, I've never visited one again.

Fortunately for me, the bathroom was well signposted and it was connected to the cafe. Inside the gents was a row of 3 urinals and one cubicle. Once inside the cubicle I desperately slammed the door shut and closed the little, tight fitting snap lock. I had to wiggle the tiny protruding piece of metal up and down as I pushed the bolt into its little hole. Just as I got the bolt pushed into the hole, the tiny piece of protruding metal broke off in my hand leaving me locked inside the cubicle. I had no time to worry about this as I had a much more important duty to fulfill.

I lifted the lid with one hand as I dropped my trousers with the other. Immediately I was hit by the evidence of the previous visitor. The dirty bugger hadn't bothered to flush the bloody toilet but I had no time. It would have to be a game of battleships. The stench in there was awful and if anything I'd probably made matters worse.

The scene was so bad that by the time I finished, I'd completely forgotten about the broken latch on the door. Holding my breath was getting difficult as I raised myself from this filthy throne and it was a relief to be able to close the lid on this monstrosity and pull the flush handle. Imagine my despair then when the toilet didn't flush.

A few things went through my mind at that point. First of all, the broken flush explained why the scene in there resembled something from Apocalypse Now and secondly I did not want to accept responsibility for it. I turned quickly so as to get the hell out of there and as far away from this disaster zone as possible before anyone could connect me with it and at this point I was reminded of the broken latch.

My heart sank and I had to start breathing again as I fumbled away at the latch. I used my fingernail to push the bolt using the tiny little piece of weld that remained where the latch had broken off. It was useless. The bolt was so tightly fitted in there I had no chance of getting it out with my fingers. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a coin and a key. Once again the bolt would not budge. I would have to find another way out of this increasingly noxious hell hole.

I looked at the foot of the door to see if I could crawl under. Next to a puddle of piss I could see that the door was flush to the floor. I then looked up to see if there was a way over the door. The door was flush to the ceiling. The door also opened inwards and sat against a solid frame so there was no way I could force open the door from the inside. This was not my day.

Looking up again I noticed a suspended ceiling with large square polystyrene tiles. I knew there would be a space above the ceiling which would house all of the light fittings and wiring. I wondered if I would be able to slip through it and drop down over the other side of the door so I climbed onto the toilet and stood up on the cistern. My head was now only a few inches from the ceiling so I was able to lift up one of the ceiling tiles and peer into the roof space. The space was about a foot deep and contained lots of wires as I expected. It would be enough for me to slide through if I could remove a ceiling tile from the other side and hoist myself over somehow.

I was feeling a bit frantic at this point as I reached over the wall to remove the nearest ceiling tile. I managed to lift it up and slide it out of the way before I tested the wall by hanging from it with my hands. The wall held my weight alright so I began to haul myself up and into the ceiling space. As I jumped up into the space I could hear things cracking all around me but nothing broke. My belt became tangled in some wiring as I pushed myself over the wall and I heard a few more unpleasant sounds but once again nothing broke. With my head now upside down over the other side and with one hand holding onto the top of the wall, I reached back to my belt with my other hand and began to unclip myself from the wiring in the ceiling.

As I looked up to the ceiling I felt something slap my hand as I held on to the top of the wall and at the same time I heard a booming voice shout out 'WHAT THE FUCKING HELL'S GOING ON HERE?'

Had I not just paid a visit I think I may have shit myself. Still unclipping myself and still upside down, I managed to speak into the wall 'I'm stuck, my belt's stuck in the ceiling and the lock on the door's broken.' I still couldn't see the angry foul mouthed man who had so charmingly interrupted my proceedings but I could hear him quite clearly as he yelled 'WELL GET THE FUCK BACK OVER THAT WALL. YOU'RE GONNA PULL THE WHOLE DAMN CEILING DOWN.'  I wasted no time in beating a hasty retreat which thankfully unclipped me from the wiring in the ceiling and as I pulled myself back over the wall I looked down to see a large, angry looking man in a suit. He was holding a clipboard and I guessed he had used that clipboard to rattle the back of my hand.

As I dropped myself back down onto the toilet the man said 'What have you done to the lock? Have you broken that as well?' I explained the events of the previous few minutes through the toilet door and the large man who I assumed must work in the store asked me to sit on top of the toilet away from the door. He explained that he was going to break the lock on the door by simply throwing his considerable weight at it and busting the door open. On the one hand it was good news that I was to be saved from this place but on the other hand I would be linked to all and everything contained therein.

As I sat on top of the cistern the man asked me if I was well away from the door. I confirmed that I was and then came an enormous crash. I watched as the whole door and the frame bowed in the centre but remained intact. The noise was deafening. Everyone on all three floors of the Debenhams department store must have heard it. 'OK I'm gonna have another go' I heard through the door. 'Are you well away from the door?' he added. 'Yeah I'm on top of the toilet' I replied sheepishly. Then came another mighty crash as the heavy man threw his weight at the door again. Once again the door and the frame bowed but just as before, the door remained intact. 'OK I've nearly got it' I heard him say. He was now getting out of breath and sounded much less angry than he did a few minutes ago. Again he checked if I was well away from the door and again he threw his weight at the door. This time it worked. I watched from the toilet top as the door flew open and the suited man came in behind and collided with the wall before bouncing off and falling to the floor. The door bounced back off its hinges and slapped him on the head as he lay there covered in piss.

I sat open mouthed on top of the toilet as he looked up from the floor and said 'It stinks in here. Is this you?' I was beyond embarrassed. I have never heard a word that sufficiently describes how I felt at that awful moment in time. 'No mate. I haven't even been yet,' I lied, 'I just locked the door and it broke off in my hand. I think the toilet's broke as well,' I added for good measure.

As the man was covered in piss I didn't bother to help him up. Instead I just got off the toilet and got the hell out of there before he could find a way of making me pay for the damage. He may have been bigger than me but I was sure he wouldn't be as fast as me. I jumped off the bog, thanked him and left him there on the floor. The scene as I entered the cafe was like the scene in the 'Slaughtered Lamb' pub in the movie 'An American Werewolf In London.' Everyone was staring at me as though I was an alien. I glanced along the smirking faces and saw Ryan tucking into his lasagne. He was looking over at me holding his hand in the air to get my attention. I looked across to him and mouthed the words 'I'm off' before turning and heading down the stairs to the ground level and the exit door.

Never again did I enter that department store. Thankfully it doesn't exist any more and this has helped me to recover from this hideous experience that has scarred me for life.

These days I won't bother to lock myself into a public toilet if I have any doubt about the lock. I'd rather stick my foot on the back of the door than go through such an arduous process ever again.

I do hope you've enjoyed this first tale from the toilet.

Please keep an eye out for more.

As this is a @comedyopenmic entry I would like to nominate @erichi and @poro to have a bash.

Thanks for reading.

STEEMONKEY🐒

Images: Pixabay

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