Apologies in advance: my "r" key is hit and miss today.

It's been a long summer, as some of you may know, I've spent the majority of it working 35 hours a week (and many, many unpaid hours of travelling).

So apologies for not being as active, but on the bright side of things, I've left work with some unbelievable stories.

There's a fucking ton of them as well, too many for just one post. I think that's what I'll be writing about for next couple of weeks.

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_{But today...}

The "Carer"

We were knocking a naughty little bit of council property.

For those of you who don't know what council property is, it's just housing built and owned by the local council, and then rented out to people on low incomes.

Why would you go fundraising in council if they're on low incomes? I hear you ask.

Because... they often have more disposable income than the middle class due to lower living costs. And the people there are just generally nicer. It's strange how the world works, right?

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Anyways, we were knocking some council in a lovely place called Dunston. We'd been knocking all day and the response had been pretty dry.

Until I knocked on this one door.

A large but still fairly attractive woman answers the door, well, attractive until I saw the state of her teeth; It looked like they'd been filed down to wee stumps, only just making it out the gum, and they were ever so slightly tinted red as well.

I put that to the back of my mind, hr smile was still quite nice. She was also very flirtatious in her body language, she pretty much had her leg around the doorframe and was gazing at me.

So I start pitching her and she says yes. As I'm filling her form out, she stops me and tells me that she's psychic.

Really? What can you tell about me?

Your mother misses you. Right?

Well, I guess I haven't seen much of heer in the last year.

I can also tell you're a student, and you're doing quite a long course. Yeah?

^{Shit, she's getting all this stuff right, am I that easy to read?}
Also correct!

And it's an academic subject, something in the STEM?

How the fuck did you-
And you're aged about 22 or 23 years old!

No, I'm 19!
Thought so...

It was getting a little weird how she knew every detail of my life, thank fuck she got something wrong.

So, I was just finishing off the form, getting ready to leave, when she invites me in. Of course I said yes! I wanted to know what she was planning.

We're sat down, she offers me a pint, I accept, obviously.

There were two little dogs in cages yapping at me while she explains how she got a lot of compensation recently so the pound a week wasn't a problem.

That's when I decided to ask what she did for a living.

By day, I'm a carer. But, by night, I'm a dominatrix.

Like a fucked up Hannah Montana then? During the day shes just the girl who wipes your grandad's arse, but at night she transforms into Dunston's favourite sadist!

She goes on to tell me about some of the things she's done, completely disregarding patient confidentiality. Apparently, one bloke wanted to be addressed in a tutu and locked in the understairs cupboard like harry potter while she whipped someone upstairs!

So, what would you do to a wee 19 year old who's never done anything like this before?

... nipple clamps?

Do you ever have sex with your clients?

Haven't done it in four years.

I think nipple clamps is too hardcore for me, got anything softer?

I could just tie you up and tease you?

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So I was on my way out when I noticed she was quite.. twitchy.

Are you on something?

Yeah, I've been sniffing coke for the last 2 days.

Damn haha, I'm not allowed to sign people up if they're high.
We exchanged numbers and I took off to tell my team what had just happened.

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So that's the story about how I met a coked-up dominatrix.

This is my first entry to the awesome #comedyopenmic competition, I nominate @cocaine and @sadist.