The Audubon Society is for the birds - Comedy Open Mic - Round #11 entry #1

I put up a bird feeder in my backyard so we can enjoy a bit of nature. On the days I work from home I now remain calm while conducting hours of stressful conference calls since I have a bird’s eye view of the feeder. There’s actually quite a bit to learn from bird-watching; way more than I have learned from the conference calls. If you don’t agree with me, don’t get your feathers ruffled, just stop reading.

Pictured here is a goldfinch, the state bird of New Jersey (and you thought it was the mosquito).

I seem to attract more visitors when I play some soft music. They especially like the Yardbirds, A Flock of Seagulls, the Eagles, the Black Crowes and of course the Byrds.

I've seen a lot of birds but so far I have not seen a Schmohawk, Big Bird, a bald eagle, or a partridge in my pear tree.

I learned that there’s lots of truth behind many of the common “bird” phrases. Some would argue that these aren’t phrases, but rather idioms, but I’m no dodo.

Birds of a feather do flock together – During the day, various species visit the feeder in groups. The sparrows come early; the woodpeckers come late in the day and the mourning doves visit (you guessed it) in the morning.

There is a defined pecking order – Bluejays are at the top and easily scare away all the other birds. The doves are on the bottom, in fact, they’re not allowed to visit the feeder hanging from the tree but instead just wait on the ground hoping that the other visitors will be sloppy and drop some seed.

Eat like a bird – I’ve experienced this to be a fairly true statement (said in a Mitch Hedberg cadence).
I’ve also observed a few exceptions, fallacies and inconsistencies such as:

The early bird gets the worm – It seems to be more about the weather than the time. The bird that arrives when it’s raining usually gets the worm no matter what time it is.

You don’t shit where you eat – Most of my feathered friends do in fact poop all over my deck just a few feet away from their hanging dining room. (Please excuse my fowl language)

A little birdie told me basically nothing recognizable, just a bunch of chirping.

Kill two birds with one stone – two birds. unfortunately, flew into our window and met their demise, however, there were no stones involved.

Pigeon-toed – Some visitors seem to have this trait, but I have yet to observe any so serious that they require white orthopedic shoes.

Polly want a cracker? – not so much, but sunflower seeds are quite popular.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush – not exactly sure what sexual message this is trying to convey but I think it has something to do with the Birds and the Bees.

Some may say my hobby is for the birds, but it’s very peaceful and interesting right here in my own backyard. Who needs to schlep to Toronto or St. Louis when you can watch the Cardinals face off against the Blue Jays right here in Jersey?

Sorry for the lateness of my post, I would have posted this earlier, but my editor (Mark Fidrych) had trouble reading my chicken-scratch. I got to go now; I think a Yellow-bellied Sapsucker just showed up for dinner.

I nominate @steembirds & @jamieosman to try their hand at comedyopenmic