Vegans, Vegetarians, Pescatarians, and Other Strange and Terrible Creatures :: Comedy Open Mic Round #8

Disclaimer:

This post is in no way meant to offend any race, creed, religion, political view, height (or lack thereof), weight (or excessiveness thereof), gender, or social status. It is, however, intended to offend anyone that becomes offended by anything I write here.

Unless I know you. Or if you might flag me. In which case, this is entirely a joke. Written by someone that hacked my account.

The bastards!

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Now that we have our righteous indignation out of the way...

allow me to tell you about a recent gathering of folks I had at my house. Over the course of several days, I was able to partake in many meals with said folks. No names shall be named so as to protect the innocent (although there were a few decidedly non-innocent individuals numbered amongst my temporary companions).

At my house, however, I was the host. As such, I was able to observe the true nature of how modern humanity defines itself.

In eons past, men and women might gather and segregate based on class (or lack of class). Or, they may find themselves seeking out members of similar intelligence. Or job. Or those with a bigger wang. Or smaller wang. Or of the same gender. Or a different gender. Or some undefinable gender that hadn’t been named at that point.

However, if you gather enough people together in one place, you see how the chips truly fall. The lines in the sand are evident. The religion is chosen. The philosophy is written on their sleeve. It falls out of their mouth with every breath. Oh gods, why won't they shut up?

All else can be considered flexible, but people dig in their heels based on their choice of diet.

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That's right. Allow me to offer my definitions of where I think the lines are drawn, based on my observations of this large group of people in my house and my struggles to keep them all fed with only the things they were willing to put in their mouths. Here’s what I figured out:

Vegan:

They can’t eat anything except salad. I think they don’t like leather either, which means they can’t wear belts or play football. That may also be because they are so weak and flimsy, and football would destroy them like a hungry fat man at a buffet.

Vegetarian:

They can play football, graze on grass, and eat dairy products. They don’t like killing animals, but will eat unborn animal babies in the form of eggs. But that’s it.

Pescatarian:

I guess these folks won’t eat meat unless they can’t see it. It’s hard to see fish since they're usually underwater, so fish are ok. Very tiny cows might be ok too, since they’d be hard to see, too.

Paleo:

These people like to pretend they’re cavemen (and women). So, anything that you can’t hunt or gather is bad. They think dairy is bad too, since cows are too easy to hunt. Starchy stuff like potatoes are fine, since potatoes have a hard time escaping the hunters and can be easily gathered. But only sweet potatoes. White potatoes are bad because Paleo folks are racist. Also, processed stuff is bad. Sugar is bad. Grain is bad, mostly because caveman sucked at baking bread. Maybe they don’t have enough opposable thumbs? Yeah, it feels like Paleo people are Catholics too. Anything that might be fun is bad. However! Nuts are ok, even though it seems like a form of cannibalism...

Low-Carb:

Almost as unfun as Paleo. However, the Low-Carb folks do get to eat dairy, but unless they cheat (and thus, end up in some kind of food hell), they will never enjoy the pleasure of hot pizza, cold beer, or pumpkin pie. They can probably make a lettuce wrap. Lettuce wrapped in lettuce. Should be fine. Probably.

Omnivore:

If it fits in your mouth, you’re good to go.

This is what I have learned. I hope this proves educational for you as well.

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Thank you to @anikekirsten and @diebitch for the nomination to write something funny. I tried.

Now I pass on the infectious torch of comedy to two others: @allforthegood and @aksounder. Go forth and conquer!

_{Title art by @negativer using Canva and Pixabay image. All other images credit Pixabay.}

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