Comedy Open Mic Round 11 - DON'T PEEK (comedy sketch)
A woman plans to surprise her fiance for his birthday, but he surprises everyone else instead.
| Character name | Description |
|---|---|
| Jeff Boyle | A man celebrating his 30th birthday |
| Joanne Spinelli | Jeff's fiance |
| John | Jeff's brother |
| Mr. Boyle | Jeff's Father |
| Mrs. Boyle | Jeff's Mother |
| Mr. Spinelli | Joanne's father |
| Mrs. Spinelli | Joanne's mother |
| Amy | Joanne's Sister |
LIGHTING: Wash.
All characters stand downstage in the following order, from stage right to left: John, Jeff's Father, Jeff's Mother, Mr. Spinelli, Mrs. Spinelli, Joanne's Sister. All wear party hats. The atmosphere is light and festive, but silent. One swivel chair is positioned upstage center.
Joanne enters through the door stage right, leading Jeff who is blindfolded. She looks at their family and holds her finger up to her mouth, motioning for them to keep quiet.
(Laughing) Where are we going?
(Giggling) I'm taking you to your birthday present.
Joanne leads him upstage center to the swivel chair. The other characters smile as Joanne leads Jeff across the stage.
But I can't see anything!
That's the idea. It's a surprise!
What on earth are you up to?
It's a secret. But I promise (kisses him on the left cheek) You won't be (kisses him on the right cheek) disappointed (kisses him on the lips)
I think I'm gonna like it.
I guarantee it.
You didn't go to too much trouble, did you?
Oh, no trouble at all. Besides, how often does my fiance turn thirty? (Both laugh. She sits him in the chair.) Now you sit right there while I go slip into something more comfortable. And remember. Whatever you do, don't peek.
Joanne motions to the others that she has to get something and for them to remain quiet. She exits stage right. Jeff sits there for a few seconds when his cell phone rings. Jeff answers the phone.
Hello? (Pause) HO-LY SHIT! Get the hell outta here! Big Dawg? How ya doin', Bro? Christ, what's it been, seven or eight years? Yeah, right, not since the graduation party at Jimmy's. Wow, that brings back memories. (Laughs)
So did you remember my birthday? Oh, you've heard. Yeah, I'm engaged. Well, thank you. (Pause) Last month. Her name's Joanne. Check this out: she's got me blindfolded and waiting for my birthday surprise. I can't wait. She is a total hellcat in the sack.
John and Amy can barely contain their laughter but remain silent. Jeff's father shakes his head. Jeff's Mother and the Spinelli's are offended.
(Pause) How'd I propose? I got down on one knee and everything--the whole nine yards. (Pause) Had to do it sometime right? Hey, just be happy I'm not gay like my brother John.
John's smile vanishes from his face.
I'm serious. He took me out for a drink last month and told me he likes dudes. (Pause) No, he's waiting for the right time to tell my folks.
Jeff's Mother and Father stare at John with their mouths open.
(Pause)Well of course I'll miss being single, that's a silly question. But like my Old Man always says, you can always cheat.
The smile vanishes from Jeff's Father's face. Jeff's Mother shoots the Father a glance.
That's what he said. (Pause) I know he cheats because the dumb bastard told me! Yeah, like I wouldn't care. Man, I was pissed off, but then I remembered he has to live with my mom. She is such a pain in the ass, he deserves a little piece on the side.
The Mother directs her fury away from Jeff's Father and toward Jeff, still remaining silent. For the remainder of the monologue, the Spinelli's sit there looking more angry.
But as messed up as my family is, they look like they got their shit together compared to Joanne's. Her father's so dumb, he thought Alaska was an island cuz he'd always see it next to Hawaii on maps. (Pause) Yeah, dumb as a stump! And her mom? What a looker. That woman has to sneak up on water to get a drink. But her sister is really nice. Yeah, hot. I found out she strips at Club Hide the Salam. She swore me to secrecy.
Joanne enters stage right bearing a handful of balloons. She runs over to Jeff, turns his chair around to face the others, and lifts the blindfold off of his eyes.
(Jumping up and down) Surprise! Surprise!
(Turning back toward the audience) I'm gonna have to call you back, Big Dawg.
Lights down.
Thank you, @comedyopenmic.
I nominate @tenhanger and @harpooninvestor to participate in this contest.
and the balloons burst
Now that's a great ending. A little difficult to stage, but a great ending.
Question: The rules say each person can have two entries, but only one will be considered for a prize. Does @comedyopenmic pick the better of the two, or should the author specify which one should be considered for a prize?
@comedyopenmic picks the better of the two.
Thanks.
Salami?
Very funny.
In "Annie Hall," Alvy asks his second wife to play "hide the salam." I pinched it from there.
Hide the leg of lamb also works. That's what Brady Bunch's Alice used to say to Sam the Meatman.