Image source: Flickr

The is just a fancy name for the open markets popular in Nigeria. As opposed to the shopping malls and supermarket, this market is unregulated. Of course, there's some semblance of sanity in the ways the stalls and wares ready arranged; but don't be fooled, everyone in the market is mad

A Market For Mad Men And Women

The moment you enter one of those markets, for instance, the Mile 12 International Market in Lagos, you're advised to stop thinking like a normal person. This is because strange things have been known to happen in these markets. Grown up men have lost their balls and half the sizes of their Johnsons from a single touch. Housewives have handed over thousands of naira from a simple command whispered into their ears.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a market where immediately one touches you, you have to move two steps quickly whisper "blood of Jesus" seven times, check your balls and Johnson (boobs if you're a lady; balls, Johnson and boobs if you're a trans). After that, you immediately feel the part of your bag or pocket or nbody that contains your funds. You don't bring them out to court, that would be disastrous. You simply feel them. If you're a true Nigerian, by merely feeling them, you know if you're funds are complete or not. Don't ask me this how it's done, I don't know.

Remember the market is a place for mad men and women. If someone suddenly bumps into you, you neither want to look back or demand an apology. Your first move should be to invoke whatever God you serve. (if you’re an atheist like me, hell, move on) Next step is to check your body parts and then your money - in that order. When you are confident that everything is intact you can then decide if you want to go active or passive with your madness.

Passive Madness

Here, you simply murmur to yourself how mad everyone is in the market and move on. Of course, under your breath, you can regal yourself with tales of what you would do if you weren’t in a good mood. Forget that you are probably fuming at the time. Others would walk pass and notice you speak to yourself under your breath but they would understand. If you were doing that on the street, they might probably shake their heads in pity or wonder that is wrong with you. But you are in the market. Others are probably more concerned with controlling or expressing their madness than focus on your actions.

Active Madness

Here, you decide your madness is stronger than the other person’s madness. Say for instance, someone steps on your feet. After carrying all the required checks, you turn to him or her and say something like: “Na stone you mash o” (meaning: you just step on a stone). Actually, a sane statement would be: “You stepped on me”; however, remember you are in an insane environment. In turn, the person would have to decide if to express passive or active madness. If the person chooses to go active, the reply might be: “So? How that one take concern me? When you no go day watch there you day go” (meaning: So? Hows that my business? Watch your step next time.” On and on it will go until they start insulting themselves, their families, the government and then, the falling price of bitcon.

The Sacred Art Of Bargaining ( A Sneak)

I promised that this was going to be a short piece so I’ll stop here. In my next piece, ill talk about the sacred art of bargaining in the Nigerian market. Let me just say that a trip to the decentralized Nigerian foodstuff market is the ultimate test of your bargaining skills. For mere mortals, be prepared to be exploited by the sellers. For the well grounded Nigerians, you stand a fighting chance. For the Veterans like my mum, the sellers run the risk of being exploited.

In my next piece, I intend to share the sacred art of bargaining mastered and effectively weaponised by my mum.

Till then, stay sane (unless you have to visit any of the decentralised Nigerian markets

I nominate @akintunde and @jo5h to express their active madness